You Won't Believe This

I'm not sure I have mentioned this before, but I learned a while back that my star staff member (let's call her Stacy) was also trying to conceive. She has known about my situation for a while. She knew about the brief pregnancy a year ago and she knows about our going to CCRM and everything. A couple of months ago I briefly became obsessed with the fear that we would get pregnant at the same time and have overlapping maternity leaves. If I wrote about this at all, it was during that time.

Well, my fear has come true.

She told me yesterday during her annual performance evaluation. I was prepared for the news because I had pretty much figured it out. I think she was pretty scared to tell me because she was not sure that I was successful with the transfer. I congratulated her and asked when she is due. January 13. I said, "Are you kidding me?" She said, "When are you due?" (So she assumed the best, which is nice.)

She had her first ultrasound the day before and learned she was further along than she expected. She said she started counting the weeks (because she knew the date of the transfer) and went, "Oh crap!"

It was a lot of fun to discuss symptoms and such but then we got down to the serious business of how to tell the big boss, who is liable to freak out.

My boss (the big boss) and I had a great conversation about my plans over lunch on Monday (and I was going to post about it but have still been feeling miserably nauseous, especially at night, which is when I normally post). She asked if I was coming back to work and I told her I don't know yet. I was able to openly discuss my feelings, saying that my biggest concern is doing something I'll regret, either way. I learned that she had been thinking of ways to keep me on in a part-time capacity in which I could work from home (if I don't want to keep my current job). She said I'd been very loyal and she believed in rewarding that. She also had been thinking of whether or not Stacy (from above) could take on most of my job (the parts I wouldn't be doing part-time). We discussed this and also discussed the possibility that Stacy wants to have a baby, too. I was pretty encouraged by this discussion. My boss is so good when it comes to giving people opportunities to advance.

So. Fast forward from Monday to Thursday. Things are a bit more complicated now! The boss didn't freak out, but she is trying to figure out what to do now. She asked what I think we should do and I told her I need to think about it.
I think the most important question for me is what I personally want to do. But I am very concerned about what happens if I leave. I have worked so, so hard to build my team and have increasing success every year. We are now completing our best year ever. I want everything to continue growing even if I'm not the one to make it happen.

Gotta run. I took a vacation day today to get ready for the in-laws and the big birthday party for DH on Sunday. Yay!

A Strange New Place

Thanks again to everyone for your comments and support!

I don't have time to post this, but I feel the need to get some thoughts out. Now that I've had two strong betas, I'm officially pregnant. I've never been THIS pregnant before, which is sad since I'm only 4 weeks and 4 days along. I feel like I should be further along, given my symptoms -- lots of weird feelings in my midsection and extreme tiredness.

Don't get me wrong -- I am HAPPY -- but I am realizing something: I don't know how to be pregnant. I know how to be infertile. And this is sad but true, but in some ways, I'm more comfortable being an infertile underdog than a pregnant CCRM "graduate."

Right now, since it's too early to tell people, I'm spending a little bit too much time thinking about how to NOT tell people, especially my boss. I have a meeting with her on Friday morning and I'm hoping she's not going to be asking about where things stand. She knows about the FET and knows it was on 4/22. I've thought and thought about a way to say, "We're not ready to say yet" without ticking her off. If she gets testy about things, then I'll be ticked off. We've been having that effect on each other quite a bit in recent weeks, so chances are good. I just hope she doesn't ask, because I have no doubt that she expects to know as soon as I know something, which in itself infuriates me (and is pretty much illegal).

Anyone have suggestions for handling a nosy boss who already knows too much?

Gotta run. I have a VERY long day tomorrow -- it's my organization's "signature" event and I'll be working a 12+ hour day, much of it on my feet.

Back on track

Well, I forgot to post an update that AF did finally arrive -- and in time to keep things on schedule. I started BCPs the other day and today I start Lupron, too. I've never done a frozen transfer so this is all new to me.

I haven't had a lot to write about, which is why I haven't, but I feel like posting a few random things. Here goes . . .

We are moving forward on our backyard project and I'm getting really excited. The contractor we've chosen has caught on that we want to move quickly. In a private conversation, I explained the birthday celebration idea (DH is turning 50 Memorial Day weekend) and the contractor all but guaranteed me they could get it done in time. He also is reasonable about our budget and wants to do everything he can to get as much done as possible for that amount. I like that. In contrast, one of the guys we didn't pick -- from a company with a slick web site and small but very nice showroom -- wanted us to pay more than $3,000 to go through a master planning phase, after which we would determine how much we could do within our budget and how long it would take. As much as I know those people would do excellent work, there's no way I was going there. They were selling a Mercedes and I need a Volkswagen.

We are taking a bold step in this project just for our frozen embryos -- we are regrading a grassy area of the backyard for a play area. Sound completely insane? Don't worry, we aren't installing a swing set... And the regrading sort of needs to be done anyway to control water that flows down and wreaks havoc on the rest of the yard (that's what got us into this mess to begin with). Plus, it's just more practical to do it now as part of the big project. The area isn't visible from many windows in our home, so if the embryos never grow into running, playing children, it's not like I'll have to look at the flat grassy area every day and imagine them there. I hope. I guarantee you, if that happens, I will repurpose that space so it doesn't haunt me for the rest of my days.

*******

There are now three couples in our small church who are expecting. One couple is our really good friends and I'm quite excited for them. (I posted about our conversation with them several weeks ago when they shared the news with us and he tried to get me to yell and curse at him.) The other two couples I don't know well, but I'm happy for them, too. Getting it in my head that the alternative to being happy for someone who is pregnant is wishing they were infertile made it a lot easier for me to be happy for women I know who are pregnant. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them and discuss every little detail of their pregnancies, but I don't find it upsetting to sit two rows behind them in church.

Speaking of church and pregnancies, we have the best pastor. When he found out about our good friends who are pregnant, he called DH to give him a heads up because he didn't want us to hear from someone else. DH assured him that we were some of the first ones to know after their families and that we've travelled the IF road with them for a few years now. I thought it was so kind that he made that call, though. He's looking out for us.

********

Work is going better. Feeling a little less like drudgery. Stressful days in relation to my colleague who's been diagnosed with breast cancer. We had a scare this week because after what was expected to be a simple procedure, they thought they'd discovered that it had spread and she would need chemo immediately. But with the pathology report that came in a few days later, they said chemo isn't necessarily needed just yet.

*****

Today's the first day in like 14 days when I didn't have to jump up first thing in the morning and go fulfill some kind of work-related or volunteer-related commitment. It's so wonderful! It's going to be a good day. There's nothing I absolutely have to do. This afternoon we are going to a six-year-old birthday party for my godson -- can't wait to see him, his sister and his mom and dad! Gotta run now to the pharmacy and pick up my Lupron.

Still Waiting

The past week was one of the most difficult weeks I've had in a while. On the one hand, it was a good distraction from the wait, but on the other hand, it was exhausting. It was all work drama. I have an irrational fear that someone from work (or someone in my city of more than 5 million people) will figure out who I am, so I won't give details. Suffice it to say that the week included lots of closed-door meetings, a controversial announcement about a reorganization, and a cancer diagnosis for a dear friend at work. Scary.

This weekend, I decided to mostly do just what I wanted to do, which involved not one but two long naps, three Oscar-nominated movies, and lots of Olympic-watching.

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow (Monday) but I'm sure everything will be okay eventually.

I am thinking that we might hear something about our embryos this week. I still feel afraid about the results. Having never had a frozen transfer, this "intermission" between the retrieval and transfer is a strange new experience. I don't like it. I feel like I'm just suspended between hope and the fear of reality. And I've lost my motivation to follow the regimen given by the acupuncturist in Denver: at least 64 oz. of water daily, 30 minutes of walking daily (walking, not running), absolutely no caffeine of any kind, and electro-acupuncture. I think if I get good news, that will get me back into the swing of things. And if we get bad news, I plan to get seriously caffeinated and run like the wind. It's good to have a plan B. However, deep down I don't think I'll need it. Time will tell.

Fingers crossed!

Yesterday's post

Well, I reread what I wrote yesterday. What a whiner I sounded like! I was right about going to church. It made me feel better, as did getting in front of my Outlook calendar at work today, synching it with my Blackberry, and feeling more in control of all that's going on.

I got my hair cut and colored tonight and that always makes me feel good, too. I just remembered something the IVF counselor said. She talked about incorporating extra "quality of life" activities during the stressful days of IVF. Getting my hair done falls into that category.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

I love roller coasters!

Let the ride begin. Yesterday I was so calm and matter of fact about everything. Today, not so much. Yet it has more to do with the rest of my life combined with the fact that I'm about to start IVF than IVF alone. There's a lot going on right now at work and at home and in a couple of my volunteer commitments.

What stresses me out is time away from work. I think I have a work ethic that is well, a bit insane. I have been in my current job for more than six years and have a good relationship with my boss. I have a staff of six people who work with me ,so my being away from the office can impact them if they need me for something. My boss knows what I'm dealing with and is wonderfully understanding about my being out of the office for doctors appointments. A couple of my team members know what's going on, but the others do not, and I'd like to keep it that way. So I say all of that in preparation for my admission that there's really no reason to stress about time away from the office. It's irrational.

So here I am, looking at my calendar trying to figure out when my cycle will start (March 19 or 20 is my estimate) and what all has to happen before I leave town for a conference on March 26: start taking birth control pills for about 12 days, have an intrauterine cavity test and a "trial transfer," as well as a teaching session with the nurse. I also think I have to make sure meds are ordered so I can start injections the day after I get back into town. Or I may have to start them the last day I'm out of town, which would mean they'd have to be delivered before I leave on the 26th. I told the nurse and the doctor about this trip and both agreed that it would not get in the way of starting IVF at this time. I hope they are right about that because I'll be frustrated to have to wait another month.

On top of that, my kitchen is being remodeled and for the next eight days I have no sink, gas cooktop, or countertops. This project started in December but we had some delays and now I'm eager to get this project finished, which means more time away from the office; in other words, more stress. We went today to lay the template of the countertops over the granite slab that we picked. It's going to be FABULOUS! But not until next Thursday when I have to work from home again, possibly all day long, for the installation. And next Friday they are coming to tile the backsplash, reconnect the sink and cooktop, etc. And all of this should fall on Day One and Two!

Okay, I'm going to stop whining. Everything will be okay. I'm going to a Lenten service at church in a little while and that should restore my perspective and give me peace.