The Telling

When we decided to tell our news freely after 13 weeks, I didn't realize the first trimester actually goes until 14 weeks, but we stayed with the plan because our ultrasound during week 12 went well.

Unexpectedly, telling has been a bag of mixed emotions and thoughts. I had imagined it as pure joy. I realize now that I had imagined it as if I had conceived naturally in a normal amount of time -- as if this were a normal pregnancy announcement. Isn't that funny?

Some peoples' reactions made me laugh -- the woman at work who burst out laughing and was so excited for me, and then told me that she had suspected as much a month or more ago when I looked particularly green. Some people cried, including the woman at church who got pregnant when we did last year but went on to have a baby instead of a miscarriage, like we did. I decided that was her relief from the guilt.

When someone -- a guy, no less -- blurted out, "It worked!" in front of people who knew nothing of our IF treatments, I wanted to smack him. I gently told him later that we aren't telling everyone about our IVF because someday we need to tell the kids how they came into the world and it might be best if everyone they know doesn't already know this. I think he got the message.

However, in some situations, I have found that along with saying "we are expecting" comes a a great urge to explain how we came to this point. For three years, I've largely held in all the difficulty we've had conceiving, so now at moments, I have found myself wanting to explain how hard it has been or wanting to educate people about infertility and help them understand that it is all around and you just never know who's dealing with it, so be sensitive, people!). With some people I want to explain what an amazing feat this is -- this is no ordinary pregnancy, people, a WIZARD made my babies in a magical lab... I want them to marvel with me at what medical science can do. And I want to explain the enchanted feeling I had after discovering new hope with CCRM . . . I want to explain why I've been moody or distant or socially awkward for three years -- that there's a root cause to all of it.

But largely, I cannot explain all of that. People just aren't that interested, are they? They are quite interested in the fact that I'm pregnant with twins, but they want to think and talk about due dates and baby names. They don't really want the back story. I'm sure through trial and error I'll figure out what feels right about what to tell and what not to tell -- and to whom.

Some people have asked, "Do twins run in your family?" and when I want to, it has been so great to honestly answer, "They do, actually. My mom's mom and my dad's dad were both twins." I LOVE that because if I don't want to tell them the truth of how I ended up with twins, that's all I have to say. I am not a good liar and I don't like to lie, so having twins in my family history is really helpful. And this is snarky, but it feels good to say that to nosy people who have no business in my business.

One woman from church said, "Oh, so many people have been praying for this for so long." That one has had me thinking: have they been praying for this because they think we'd make good parents and we've been married for almost 4 years and we're both getting up there in age and well, it's just about time? Or did someone secretly spill the fact that we were struggling with infertility and have been doing treatments for years? Or maybe they just assumed such. I don't think I want to know the answer. If a bunch of people at church knew the real deal, I'm so glad I didn't know it. I probably would have skipped church a lot more often.

(Theological tangent, not intended to invite comments by readers who tell me I'm wrong about this or that God's timing is perfect. This is just what I'm thinking: I can't help wondering if sooo many people had been praying for this, why did it take so long? Why did it almost not happen? Kind of reinforces my thought that we are pregnant not because this is what God intended -- "you wanted this so bad, so God made it happen," as one of my friends said -- no, we are pregnant because we persevered through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs and we paid Dr. Babycraft $25,000. Not that God had ill intentions for our pregnancy or that God wasn't part of the equation. I wholeheartedly believe that my faith has helped me along the way. Maybe God helped us find the patience to persevere and the belief that no matter what, we would find some peace through this journey, regardless of the outcome. And who knows, maybe that's what people prayed for:  not for a pregnancy itself, but for patience and peace. God is not Santa Claus, after all. But let me be clear:  I do believe God is in this thing and I need God to be; I'm just not sure God could have made this happen without a lot of help humans.)

Sorry about that. I bet I've never mentioned that I'm a seminary dropout. I took an elective called "Suffering and Evil" at one time that really helped me think through some of the above. Of course it was not thought through within the context of infertiilty; it was throught through within the context of my dad's brain injury and subsequent nine years of living hell betwen 1996 and 2005.

As we told people after church last Sunday, I had a bit of odd anxiety that was unexpected. I think it may have been the fact that I don't really like being the center of attention or the subject of discussion. Or it may have been that being "out there" and having people think I'm a normal pregnant woman is so weird. I do feel very pregnant -- have seen three ultrasounds to prove it and have physically been wiped out for much of the past two months -- but in some ways, it just feels better to keep the pregnancy news to myself and my close circle of friends who've known for a while. Now I move into this phase of being under a microscope and being subject to all kinds of unsolicited advice. The woman who said sooo many people have prayed for this also said, "Expect to be monitored closely by 150 people." That's nice on one hand, but yikes! What a change.

What a jumbled mixture of contradicting thoughts, huh?

The one place I haven't told yet is Facebook. I rarely update my status because I don't think people care what I'm doing. I generally reserve status updates for something big. Well this is big, but I've read so many other bloggers' posts where FB announcements of pregnancies really sting. I don't know who's out there dealing with infertility in my FB world, but I don't want to cause them pain. I thought about just totally coming out and saying, "After three years of struggling with infertility, I am expecting twins." But I don't want everyone who's my friend on FB to know I'm infertile. I've also thought about an email to a smaller group of FB friends. I will probably go that route.

Okay, this post was ready to go until I reread it and decided to add in that theological rant. Sorry again about that, and sorry for the length of this post. I've got more on my mind after listing to a Super Mom explain why cloth diapers and water births are best . . . But will save all of that for later.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Back on track

Well, I forgot to post an update that AF did finally arrive -- and in time to keep things on schedule. I started BCPs the other day and today I start Lupron, too. I've never done a frozen transfer so this is all new to me.

I haven't had a lot to write about, which is why I haven't, but I feel like posting a few random things. Here goes . . .

We are moving forward on our backyard project and I'm getting really excited. The contractor we've chosen has caught on that we want to move quickly. In a private conversation, I explained the birthday celebration idea (DH is turning 50 Memorial Day weekend) and the contractor all but guaranteed me they could get it done in time. He also is reasonable about our budget and wants to do everything he can to get as much done as possible for that amount. I like that. In contrast, one of the guys we didn't pick -- from a company with a slick web site and small but very nice showroom -- wanted us to pay more than $3,000 to go through a master planning phase, after which we would determine how much we could do within our budget and how long it would take. As much as I know those people would do excellent work, there's no way I was going there. They were selling a Mercedes and I need a Volkswagen.

We are taking a bold step in this project just for our frozen embryos -- we are regrading a grassy area of the backyard for a play area. Sound completely insane? Don't worry, we aren't installing a swing set... And the regrading sort of needs to be done anyway to control water that flows down and wreaks havoc on the rest of the yard (that's what got us into this mess to begin with). Plus, it's just more practical to do it now as part of the big project. The area isn't visible from many windows in our home, so if the embryos never grow into running, playing children, it's not like I'll have to look at the flat grassy area every day and imagine them there. I hope. I guarantee you, if that happens, I will repurpose that space so it doesn't haunt me for the rest of my days.

*******

There are now three couples in our small church who are expecting. One couple is our really good friends and I'm quite excited for them. (I posted about our conversation with them several weeks ago when they shared the news with us and he tried to get me to yell and curse at him.) The other two couples I don't know well, but I'm happy for them, too. Getting it in my head that the alternative to being happy for someone who is pregnant is wishing they were infertile made it a lot easier for me to be happy for women I know who are pregnant. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them and discuss every little detail of their pregnancies, but I don't find it upsetting to sit two rows behind them in church.

Speaking of church and pregnancies, we have the best pastor. When he found out about our good friends who are pregnant, he called DH to give him a heads up because he didn't want us to hear from someone else. DH assured him that we were some of the first ones to know after their families and that we've travelled the IF road with them for a few years now. I thought it was so kind that he made that call, though. He's looking out for us.

********

Work is going better. Feeling a little less like drudgery. Stressful days in relation to my colleague who's been diagnosed with breast cancer. We had a scare this week because after what was expected to be a simple procedure, they thought they'd discovered that it had spread and she would need chemo immediately. But with the pathology report that came in a few days later, they said chemo isn't necessarily needed just yet.

*****

Today's the first day in like 14 days when I didn't have to jump up first thing in the morning and go fulfill some kind of work-related or volunteer-related commitment. It's so wonderful! It's going to be a good day. There's nothing I absolutely have to do. This afternoon we are going to a six-year-old birthday party for my godson -- can't wait to see him, his sister and his mom and dad! Gotta run now to the pharmacy and pick up my Lupron.

I need this

It's been a rainy three-day weekend so I've allowed myself some time to check out other blogs about infertility. I had no idea there were so many! Everyone seems so interconnected. What a great community. I think I need this. Here's why:

I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm going through and are wonderfully supportive, but I don't talk to them every day or even every week.

I have some friends at work who know about our nearly three-year quest to become parents, but I have regretted confiding in at least one of them. I have cut that person out of the loop of information about all of this because she kept asking me repeatedly for the latest news. It became a problem for me because I am her supervisor. I know she means well, but I just don't want infertility to interfere with work. I have a demanding job and it's actually a great distraction from the stress of infertility (when I get to decide what and when I want to share). I really appreciate those colleagues who know what's going on but they NEVER bring it up first.

Another community that's important to me is my church, but it is honestly the most difficult part of my world when it comes to infertility. Most people there do not know what we're going through. It often doesn't make sense to me to be part of a caring community of people and to deliberately choose to not express the depth of the stress, the jealousy, the hopefulness, the hopelessness, the determination, the confusion, the doubt, the excitement and anticipation, the fear of another disappointment.... I know it's best to not share all of that -- or any of that -- because the church is probably full of quite a few well-meaning but nosy people like my coworker above. But I feel like such a fake.

Today at church I had to plaster a big smile on my face as I heard the latest new mother tell someone, "I counted and I think there have been 7 babies born in our church during the past few years" as people oohed and cooed over her beautiful new baby, which I had never laid eyes on until that moment. The most difficult part is that last May, we were pregnant together. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Our babies were going to be friends. But now, she has this beautiful baby and my little embryos didn't make it. (I don't believe she had any idea how her words stabbed into my heart. She is either sleep-deprived and oblivious or perhaps just slightly insensitive. I must choose to believe this if I'm going to function as a relatively healthy member of our church community.)

There are days when I wonder why I'm putting myself through this again. Today is one of them. I could've easily moved on and chosen adoption. IVF is so much work.

This is why I need this blog. If anyone is reading, please comment so I'll know. If no one comments, I'm going to have to work on figuring out how to make this an interactive experience for me. I want to engage with others in this community.