A Strange New Place

Thanks again to everyone for your comments and support!

I don't have time to post this, but I feel the need to get some thoughts out. Now that I've had two strong betas, I'm officially pregnant. I've never been THIS pregnant before, which is sad since I'm only 4 weeks and 4 days along. I feel like I should be further along, given my symptoms -- lots of weird feelings in my midsection and extreme tiredness.

Don't get me wrong -- I am HAPPY -- but I am realizing something: I don't know how to be pregnant. I know how to be infertile. And this is sad but true, but in some ways, I'm more comfortable being an infertile underdog than a pregnant CCRM "graduate."

Right now, since it's too early to tell people, I'm spending a little bit too much time thinking about how to NOT tell people, especially my boss. I have a meeting with her on Friday morning and I'm hoping she's not going to be asking about where things stand. She knows about the FET and knows it was on 4/22. I've thought and thought about a way to say, "We're not ready to say yet" without ticking her off. If she gets testy about things, then I'll be ticked off. We've been having that effect on each other quite a bit in recent weeks, so chances are good. I just hope she doesn't ask, because I have no doubt that she expects to know as soon as I know something, which in itself infuriates me (and is pretty much illegal).

Anyone have suggestions for handling a nosy boss who already knows too much?

Gotta run. I have a VERY long day tomorrow -- it's my organization's "signature" event and I'll be working a 12+ hour day, much of it on my feet.

I need this

It's been a rainy three-day weekend so I've allowed myself some time to check out other blogs about infertility. I had no idea there were so many! Everyone seems so interconnected. What a great community. I think I need this. Here's why:

I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm going through and are wonderfully supportive, but I don't talk to them every day or even every week.

I have some friends at work who know about our nearly three-year quest to become parents, but I have regretted confiding in at least one of them. I have cut that person out of the loop of information about all of this because she kept asking me repeatedly for the latest news. It became a problem for me because I am her supervisor. I know she means well, but I just don't want infertility to interfere with work. I have a demanding job and it's actually a great distraction from the stress of infertility (when I get to decide what and when I want to share). I really appreciate those colleagues who know what's going on but they NEVER bring it up first.

Another community that's important to me is my church, but it is honestly the most difficult part of my world when it comes to infertility. Most people there do not know what we're going through. It often doesn't make sense to me to be part of a caring community of people and to deliberately choose to not express the depth of the stress, the jealousy, the hopefulness, the hopelessness, the determination, the confusion, the doubt, the excitement and anticipation, the fear of another disappointment.... I know it's best to not share all of that -- or any of that -- because the church is probably full of quite a few well-meaning but nosy people like my coworker above. But I feel like such a fake.

Today at church I had to plaster a big smile on my face as I heard the latest new mother tell someone, "I counted and I think there have been 7 babies born in our church during the past few years" as people oohed and cooed over her beautiful new baby, which I had never laid eyes on until that moment. The most difficult part is that last May, we were pregnant together. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Our babies were going to be friends. But now, she has this beautiful baby and my little embryos didn't make it. (I don't believe she had any idea how her words stabbed into my heart. She is either sleep-deprived and oblivious or perhaps just slightly insensitive. I must choose to believe this if I'm going to function as a relatively healthy member of our church community.)

There are days when I wonder why I'm putting myself through this again. Today is one of them. I could've easily moved on and chosen adoption. IVF is so much work.

This is why I need this blog. If anyone is reading, please comment so I'll know. If no one comments, I'm going to have to work on figuring out how to make this an interactive experience for me. I want to engage with others in this community.