Sunday, September 13, 2009

Six months

Well, it's been six months now since I started this blog. I was thinking I'd have some resolution to my infertility problems within six months. Unfortunately I underestimated the amount of time needed to sort things out.

We did get kicked out of the Attain program the other day. I wasn't surprised. It was all matter-of-fact when they called. The person I spoke with said they were discontinuing us because we didn't have a transfer.

Barring a miracle, it would seem that any child of mine is not going to be genetically linked to me. I've had almost two weeks to think about this, so I'm not all to pieces about it, but I am very sad. I always dreamed of having a little girl and naming her after me, my mom, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother. We all have the same first name and a different middle name. I go by my middle name and my mom goes by the first name. I guess I could name a little girl who's not genetically mine after four generations, but that seems like a stretch somehow.

Our options now are IVF with donor eggs and adoption. Both are extremely likely to result in a baby. I'm leaning toward adoption but my husband wants to take it slowly. I can understand that he doesn't want to give up the genetic link to his child. I am just tired, though. I've been feeling depressed and a little bit hopeless at moments. I am sick of doctors' appointments. I want to start running again. I don't know what to do. But I don't have to decide today, so that is the good thing. I just have to sit with this information and see if a course of action becomes apparent over the next several weeks.