I'd like to thank the Academy . . .

AmyG at When you gotta glow gave me an award earlier this week -- a first for me! Thank you, AmyG. You have been such an encouragement to me. I am still pretty new at what I will call "interactive blogging," and you've helped me get out there and connect with people.

Blogging has helped me deal with circumstances in better ways. For example, the other night, DH and I went to dinner and a basketball game with some friends. I love these friends, especially the wife, and seeing them is always a treat because we don't seem them very often. We always laugh a lot with this couple. During the past year and a half, the four of us have bonded over IF issues and they have both been very in tune with our IVF attempts. So over dinner, after asking all kinds of questions about our time in Denver -- and our declaration that if they want to try another IVF cycle, they should consider going out there -- here's what happened:

Him: We've got something to tell you.

Me: You're pregnant.

Him: Yes.

Me: Congratulations!

Him: Oh come on!  F*ck you! I know that's what you want to say.

Me: No, it's not. I'm happy for you guys!

Him (laughing): Go ahead. Curse at me. Do it!!

Me: No. That's really not how I feel. I've been working on this. I've actually been blogging and wrote something about being happy for people the other day. I really, really am happy for you.

And I was being genuine. Without this blog and the community of bloggers I've met here, I might not have been able to respond that way. We talked and talked about their pregnancy and our hopes for success and I even made a great discovery:  if I get pregnant, I can borrow her maternity clothes!  : )

Back to the award. It comes with rules:

1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award

2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs

So 7 things about me:
1. I have a black cat named Lucky. She is Lucky because I adopted her from a shelter.
2. There's a legend in my family that my grandfather eight generations back was an Indian chief who disowned his son because he married a white woman (my grandparents seven generations back). My mom's family is obsessed wih trying to substantiate this story.
3. DH and I have been married for two years, four months, and five days. We are so, so happy together.
4. In my 20s, I briefly went to nursing school and also completed about 35 hours toward a Masters of Divinity degree. Just couldn't figure out what to do with my life!
5. Until 2006, I had not travelled outside the U.S. beyond a brief excursion across the border to Mexico and a trip to Montreal and Quebec. Since 2006, I have been to England, Scotland, Costa Rica, Finland, Estonia, Sweden, France, Ireland, and Italy.
6. I can bake an awesome chocolate chess pie using my maternal grandmother's recipe. When I had to give up all caffeine (including chocolate) last November, I learned to bake a pecan pie using my paternal grandmother's recipe. It is awesome, too, if I may say so myself!
7. I love to read, especially during the summer months. One of my all-time favorite books is The Brothers K by David James Duncan.

Seven bloggers to nominate:
I am going to fail here. I am still so new to the blogosphere, I haven't even been follwing seven blogs. But here are a few, in addition to AmyG's When you gotta glow:

1. Pie at Slice of Pie, who is about a week or two ahead of me in all of this and one of my new friends in the blogosphere
2. Arminta at Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity who just finished her first trimester and has the most adorable two-inch-long baby
3. Lynn at Wistful Girl, the only other Georgian I've encountered on here
4. Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish, who provided early encouragement for me to get engaged in the blogosphere, with her list of CCRM bloggers and her great CCRM stories

I've also been reading Mel's Stirrup Queens, but nominating her for this award would be like saying that perhaps Katharine Hepburn or Meryl Streep should be nominated for an Oscar. I'm sure she's already been awarded every award there is. I love reading her blog.

So that's about it. I'm really grateful for this community of courageous, hopeful and kind women.

I need this

It's been a rainy three-day weekend so I've allowed myself some time to check out other blogs about infertility. I had no idea there were so many! Everyone seems so interconnected. What a great community. I think I need this. Here's why:

I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm going through and are wonderfully supportive, but I don't talk to them every day or even every week.

I have some friends at work who know about our nearly three-year quest to become parents, but I have regretted confiding in at least one of them. I have cut that person out of the loop of information about all of this because she kept asking me repeatedly for the latest news. It became a problem for me because I am her supervisor. I know she means well, but I just don't want infertility to interfere with work. I have a demanding job and it's actually a great distraction from the stress of infertility (when I get to decide what and when I want to share). I really appreciate those colleagues who know what's going on but they NEVER bring it up first.

Another community that's important to me is my church, but it is honestly the most difficult part of my world when it comes to infertility. Most people there do not know what we're going through. It often doesn't make sense to me to be part of a caring community of people and to deliberately choose to not express the depth of the stress, the jealousy, the hopefulness, the hopelessness, the determination, the confusion, the doubt, the excitement and anticipation, the fear of another disappointment.... I know it's best to not share all of that -- or any of that -- because the church is probably full of quite a few well-meaning but nosy people like my coworker above. But I feel like such a fake.

Today at church I had to plaster a big smile on my face as I heard the latest new mother tell someone, "I counted and I think there have been 7 babies born in our church during the past few years" as people oohed and cooed over her beautiful new baby, which I had never laid eyes on until that moment. The most difficult part is that last May, we were pregnant together. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Our babies were going to be friends. But now, she has this beautiful baby and my little embryos didn't make it. (I don't believe she had any idea how her words stabbed into my heart. She is either sleep-deprived and oblivious or perhaps just slightly insensitive. I must choose to believe this if I'm going to function as a relatively healthy member of our church community.)

There are days when I wonder why I'm putting myself through this again. Today is one of them. I could've easily moved on and chosen adoption. IVF is so much work.

This is why I need this blog. If anyone is reading, please comment so I'll know. If no one comments, I'm going to have to work on figuring out how to make this an interactive experience for me. I want to engage with others in this community.