I need this

It's been a rainy three-day weekend so I've allowed myself some time to check out other blogs about infertility. I had no idea there were so many! Everyone seems so interconnected. What a great community. I think I need this. Here's why:

I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm going through and are wonderfully supportive, but I don't talk to them every day or even every week.

I have some friends at work who know about our nearly three-year quest to become parents, but I have regretted confiding in at least one of them. I have cut that person out of the loop of information about all of this because she kept asking me repeatedly for the latest news. It became a problem for me because I am her supervisor. I know she means well, but I just don't want infertility to interfere with work. I have a demanding job and it's actually a great distraction from the stress of infertility (when I get to decide what and when I want to share). I really appreciate those colleagues who know what's going on but they NEVER bring it up first.

Another community that's important to me is my church, but it is honestly the most difficult part of my world when it comes to infertility. Most people there do not know what we're going through. It often doesn't make sense to me to be part of a caring community of people and to deliberately choose to not express the depth of the stress, the jealousy, the hopefulness, the hopelessness, the determination, the confusion, the doubt, the excitement and anticipation, the fear of another disappointment.... I know it's best to not share all of that -- or any of that -- because the church is probably full of quite a few well-meaning but nosy people like my coworker above. But I feel like such a fake.

Today at church I had to plaster a big smile on my face as I heard the latest new mother tell someone, "I counted and I think there have been 7 babies born in our church during the past few years" as people oohed and cooed over her beautiful new baby, which I had never laid eyes on until that moment. The most difficult part is that last May, we were pregnant together. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Our babies were going to be friends. But now, she has this beautiful baby and my little embryos didn't make it. (I don't believe she had any idea how her words stabbed into my heart. She is either sleep-deprived and oblivious or perhaps just slightly insensitive. I must choose to believe this if I'm going to function as a relatively healthy member of our church community.)

There are days when I wonder why I'm putting myself through this again. Today is one of them. I could've easily moved on and chosen adoption. IVF is so much work.

This is why I need this blog. If anyone is reading, please comment so I'll know. If no one comments, I'm going to have to work on figuring out how to make this an interactive experience for me. I want to engage with others in this community.

Moving on after miscarriage

It's been a rough time for me lately. I did end up having a miscarriage, but no D and C. I sort of wish I had a D and C because I've been bleeding off and on for like 5 or 6 weeks. Every time I think it's done, I get surprised again.

My doctor is monitoring my HCG -- they have to make sure it goes back to zero. A week and a half ago it was 32. It is CREEPING down! I go back in three days for another check. Hopefully it will have hit zero by then.

I have had a wide range of emotions during this time. I had been so proud of my "even" approach to all of this. Well, that is out the window. I've felt sorry for myself, I've felt depressed, I've felt jealous of a friend and her husband who told us she was 10 weeks pregnant at the same moment we said, "Yes, it looks like the IVF worked." (She is still pregnant, and looking so. Grrr.) I've felt confused about whether this is all worth it, I've wondered if I really want to have a child, I've thought and thought and thought about how OLD my husband and I are. Maybe we should just choose to be childless and get on with our lives. I read something about making that choice -- to be childless -- on the Resolve web site.

At one point, not sure how to pray about all of this, I thought that this would be my prayer:

God, I'm going to do IVF. If it doesn't work, you are going to have to practically drop a baby into our house. This is what I'm doing. Anything else has to come from you.

I went to a seminar about relationships during infertility treatment and met some great women who are all struggling with the same thing. Turns out, most of them know each other through Resolve support groups in the area. I was encouraged by meeting all of them more than the content of the session.

The day of our last HCG check, a week and a half ago, we met with our doc for a consult. She is going to change the protocol for our next attempt. It's more aggressive. We have to wait for my period to start naturally. Who knows when that will be, since I'm still lightly bleeding from the m/c.

Last week, my god daughter, who is 10, came to stay with us for five nights. She was a volunteer with the children's summer camp at the organization where I work. I've known her since the day she was born. I was her first babysitter. I love this kid. She's the closest thing I've got to a child. Having her here helped me remember why we are doing this. I think we'd be great parents. We have a lot of love to give. Our lives would be enriched deeply by having a child in the mix. So we will see.

I am skipping church this morning because they are having a baby dedication AND it's Father's Day. My dad died four and a half years ago. I just didn't think church would be a good choice for me today. My husband is there but I didn't want to do it. I've been thinking a lot about my dad the past few days. He was a great dad. He spent lots of time with me and I know he loved me a lot. I am proud of the characteristics I inherited from him. It makes me feel connected to him when I sense that something within me was also in him. I miss him a lot. I love you, Dad! Happy Father's Day.