Still Pregnant

I am sooo tired -- meant to post earlier but got sidetracked with DH's birthday party invitation -- but I couldn't let the day pass without a quick update.

To recap -- Saturday's beta was 387. Today's was 1,108!
I'm still pregnant and very relieved.

My nurse asked, "How many did we transfer?" (two)
She also asked, "So you're okay with multiples?" (yes)

Of course it's still too early to tell. We'll have our first ultrasound on May 20, so I would think we'd know then.

Thanks to everyone who's reading for your wonderful support and happy comments. I just keep reading the comments over and over because almost no one in my real life knows and it's fun to be happy and excited with you. I appreciate you all -- my followers, my lurkers, and anyone who's prayed or sent baby dust, sticky vibes, or positive energy my way.

A Call from Summer on May Day

So the call came in at 10:26 a.m. (so early!) and I was in the middle of a session on international adoption at the Resolve Family Building Conference in Atlanta. I had been thinking "oh I hope don't really need this information" not five minutes before I looked down and saw my phone light up and begin to vibrate. It was CCRM. I jumped up, steppped over a few people and bolted out of the room, leaving my purse and other belongings behind.

The caller, whose name I didn't catch because I was so surprised they were calling so early and because I was flustered from rushing out of the room to catch her call, said, "Well, we got your lab results back." And I thought it was going to be bad news - just for half a second. Then she said, "And everything looks great. Your HCG was 387!"

At that I pretty much started rambling things like, "Oh my gosh! Are you serious? I can't believe you called so early! Do you know where I am? I was just in a session about international adoption...."  She asked me what time I went to the doctor because she was surprised to get the results so early, too. My appointment was at 8 a.m., which is 6 a.m. in Denver. Good for my Atlanta clinic for sending results over so promptly!

She confirmed that I'm doing daily PIO shots and 3 endometrins per day and then said for me to keep that up. I didn't even think to ask what my progesterone level was. I did ask about the HCG of 387 and confirmed that even though that's kind of high, it's too early to make singleton or twin projections. The nurse said she's seen numbers like that result in both.

Before we hung up, I asked, "What was your name again? I want to remember this." It was Summer. I thanked Summer for such great news.

Yahoo!!

Now on to the next hoop: Monday's beta -- HCG needs to double!

Symptoms?

6dp5dt -- 3 days to go until beta!

There's been a lot of "activity" in my body today. I've felt slightly crampy, with some lower back pain, and I had some feelings I don't think I've ever felt before. My breasts are also a bit tingly. All of this been happening off and on for several days but I wasn't so sure that some of it wasn't just effects of the estrogen patches and progesterone or wishful thinking for symptoms. There's no doubt that I'm not imagining this stuff now. But it still could be the meds.

I am not going to POAS (pee on a stick) because I just don't want to have to process the results. I won't believe it either way and if it's negative, that could really mess with my head. I am doing pretty well and just don't need to go there.

Amazingly, I've somehow convinced myself that the beta is just one more hoop to jump through, like the egg retrieval, the fertilization report, the wait for embryos to develop and grow to become blasts, the comprehensive genetic testing of embryos, the thaw of the two they transferred.... So many things have to happen "just so" that getting past this first beta is sort of just another hoop to jump through. If it is positive, I still have to jump through the second beta hoop, the ultrasound-looking-for-a-heartbeat hoop, and who knows how many more hoops before I end up with a live infant or two.

How have I ended up thinking like this? I think my experience a year ago was so traumatic, I just don't want to let myself go there again. I am the only person I've ever known to cry her eyes out before leaving the RE's office  (while standing in line to check out, in full view of everyone in the waiting room, waiting for their own good or bad news). But yes, that was me last May when the doc finally said there was no hope for a viable pregnancy to develop. I just couldn't hold it in until the parking lot. It had only been about 12 days since the first beta and six days since they started using the phrase "not genetically viable" but my hope was so fierce, I was determined to see those HCG levels rise. Tears streaming down my face, I apologized to the check-out girl saying, "Sorry. I know this is bad for business." Our train wreck cycle followed that -- 3 eggs, 0 fertilized. Then we were kicked out of the Attain financing program. After that, I crashed emotionally and did not begin to believe that perhaps I could conceive a child with my eggs until some time after our one day workup at CCRM.

Our experience with CCRM has been so enchanting. And it really isn't CCRM as much as it is their results. I mean, they retrieved 17 eggs and created 5 normal embryos in their lab. Hope was reborn. But there are limits to where I will let myself go. On Saturday, if I get a BFP, believe me, I will shout it to the mountaintops of this blog. But then I'll start thinking about Monday's beta. It sort of seems like the hoop-jumping could be never-ending, possibly sending me to crazytown pretty quickly. So instead, I'm trying to enjoy each day of this experience . After all, being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) may be the only "pregnant" I ever am. I want to enjoy it as much as I can.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I feel healthy and at peace at the moment. Time will tell!

One last note: I am getting pretty good at telling people who know my infertility story -- and even know about Denver and in some cases, the transfer last week -- that we're just not telling. For example, here's what I said to a good friend who emailed me tonight with an "any news?" question: "We had a frozen embryo transfer (2) last week, so we hope to have some good news this summer! Once we get the initial result, we plan to hold back on sharing it until we’re feeling more confident that it’s really going to happen this time." People have been very respectful.

Moving on after miscarriage

It's been a rough time for me lately. I did end up having a miscarriage, but no D and C. I sort of wish I had a D and C because I've been bleeding off and on for like 5 or 6 weeks. Every time I think it's done, I get surprised again.

My doctor is monitoring my HCG -- they have to make sure it goes back to zero. A week and a half ago it was 32. It is CREEPING down! I go back in three days for another check. Hopefully it will have hit zero by then.

I have had a wide range of emotions during this time. I had been so proud of my "even" approach to all of this. Well, that is out the window. I've felt sorry for myself, I've felt depressed, I've felt jealous of a friend and her husband who told us she was 10 weeks pregnant at the same moment we said, "Yes, it looks like the IVF worked." (She is still pregnant, and looking so. Grrr.) I've felt confused about whether this is all worth it, I've wondered if I really want to have a child, I've thought and thought and thought about how OLD my husband and I are. Maybe we should just choose to be childless and get on with our lives. I read something about making that choice -- to be childless -- on the Resolve web site.

At one point, not sure how to pray about all of this, I thought that this would be my prayer:

God, I'm going to do IVF. If it doesn't work, you are going to have to practically drop a baby into our house. This is what I'm doing. Anything else has to come from you.

I went to a seminar about relationships during infertility treatment and met some great women who are all struggling with the same thing. Turns out, most of them know each other through Resolve support groups in the area. I was encouraged by meeting all of them more than the content of the session.

The day of our last HCG check, a week and a half ago, we met with our doc for a consult. She is going to change the protocol for our next attempt. It's more aggressive. We have to wait for my period to start naturally. Who knows when that will be, since I'm still lightly bleeding from the m/c.

Last week, my god daughter, who is 10, came to stay with us for five nights. She was a volunteer with the children's summer camp at the organization where I work. I've known her since the day she was born. I was her first babysitter. I love this kid. She's the closest thing I've got to a child. Having her here helped me remember why we are doing this. I think we'd be great parents. We have a lot of love to give. Our lives would be enriched deeply by having a child in the mix. So we will see.

I am skipping church this morning because they are having a baby dedication AND it's Father's Day. My dad died four and a half years ago. I just didn't think church would be a good choice for me today. My husband is there but I didn't want to do it. I've been thinking a lot about my dad the past few days. He was a great dad. He spent lots of time with me and I know he loved me a lot. I am proud of the characteristics I inherited from him. It makes me feel connected to him when I sense that something within me was also in him. I miss him a lot. I love you, Dad! Happy Father's Day.

Rather Belated and Dramatic Update

I had planned to update my blog once a week or so, but I've definitely failed since the embryo transfer. Much has happened.

Three days after the transfer, I had severe pain when I woke up in the morning. I couldn't stand it so I called my doctor and they said to come into the office. I spent 1-2 hours there with a doctor who is a man of few words but a very kind person. After he pressed on my abdomen so much that I threw up on the floor (totally embarrassing -- they just weren't prepared for that, I guess), he did an ultrasound and consulted with my doctor, who was also in the office that day but tied up with other patients. They decided to send me to the ER, about a half mile away. Once there they gave me morphine and I had some relief from the pain. They thought that my ovary was twisting and cutting off the blood supply but when they sent me to radiology for ultrasounds to assess what was going on, everything was normal. (Other than the fact that my left ovary was the size of a grapefruit and normal is the size of an oyster.) They still admitted me. I was there for two nights because the pain reoccurred briefly the next day. I saw four doctors from my practice during that time, and it seemed everyone had a different theory about what might have happened. In addition to ovarian torsion, ovarian hyperstimulation and ruptured follicles were two other possibilities. All told, I missed four days of work because of this. (Not a good thing.) I kept my boss informed and on the day I missed an important meeting, I gave her permission to say that I had had an adverse reaction to some medication, which is a vague way to explain what truly happened. If I'd never taken the stimulation shots and meds, it never would've happened.

So I went back to work the next Monday, 9 days post transfer. My doctor wanted to see me for a follow up that Wednesday, so they scheduled the pregnancy test that day, too (one day earlier than it had previously been scheduled). I could not believe it, but it was POSITIVE!!!

However, there is a 35% chance of miscarriage for someone who's 38 years old. Based on the HCG level on 4/29, my doctor (who called me with the good news personally) said it's not likely to be twins, even though we transferred two embryos. I was only cautiously optimistic because of that 35% statistic and because the embryos were't the highest-quality embryos to begin with. I was also a little bit freaked out.

They want the HCG levels to double every 48 hours so they retested on 5/1 and it had more than doubled. Yahoo! That was last Friday. Over the weekend I began to really think about the reality of this. We told a few close friends and our moms.

They retested the HCG on Tuesday, so it should have doubled twice between Friday and Tuesday. Unfortunately, it had not, and the nurse who called to tell me this used the word "abnormal." She scheduled me to come back 48 hours later for another test, after which the PA called me and spoke in a "very concerned" voice. She said the embryo may not have the genetic capacity to survive. She also said they wanted me to come back today for another HCG and other labs that will help prep me for an injection that will dissolve the pregnancy without having to do a D and C. She also mentioned the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. I asked if we can do an ultrasound to confirm there's nothing there before doing the injection and she said it is too early. I got a little testy at this moment and said, "Well I'm not taking that injection if I don't know for sure." We scheduled blood work for this morning along with a consult with one of the docs. My wonderful doc is on vacation this week!!

The doc we saw was great, though, and he answered all of my questions and my husband's questions. He scared me regarding the ectopic pregnancy possibility -- it's the leading cause of pregnancy-related death! He assured me we would do an ultrasound before we did the injection, so I was pleased that I didn't have to argue with him about that. SO this afternoon when we got the HCG report, it is increasing more now. After 24 hours, it has increased by half, which means it's on track to double by tomorrow! That's good news to me, but the PA is still very cautious and concerned. Meanwhile, around lunchtime today I had some really bad abdominal pains, my chest had a dull pain, my arms felt weird, my heart rate increased, and I just felt funny. Awful. My boss and my assistant ended up driving me home. That was embarrassing. But I just wasn't sure what was happening and I was pretty scared about hemorraging after the doctor's appointment this morning.

So now I'm going in the morning for yet another HCG and an ultrasound. I don't know if the u/s is for the pains or just because the HCG is doing better. I'm not sure. My husband and I actually heard different things this morning regarding a possible rise in HCG. I thought the doc said if the HCG rises today (and not astronomically) it's more likely to be an ectopic pregnancy. If it fell, it's more likely to be a regular old miscarriage. The doc said the incidence rate of an ectopic pregnancy after IVF is like 1%. I guess I may be very special. He also said he has seen numbers like this result in a healthy baby, but not often.

Emotionally, I kind of hit the wall Tuesday afternoon when the nurse used the word "abnormal." That was the first time I heard bad news and I pretty much fell apart. I left my office and went outside to sit in the fresh air for a bit and I called my best friend, who's had six miscarriages. I just wanted to leave work and go home and cry but she helped me decide to save the drama with my boss for another day (who knew it would be today?!). I am feeling kind of numb now. Before the levels increased nicely today, I'd pretty much resigned myself to the reality that Eenie isn't going to make it. That was an easier place to be, emotionally, than on the roller coaster of hope and reality. Several people are praying for us and at least one person has great confidence that Eenie will survive. This has sparked some interesting theological discussions between me and my husband. (We're both somewhat skeptical about such prayerful confidence -- I am especially that way.) His coworker's son, who is 11, prayed that the cells would grow so fast, it would be the fastest growing baby in the world. This was yesterday. Maybe Eenie's getting ready to take off, thanks to this little boy's prayer! Stranger things have happened.

That's enough for now. I'll try to do better about updating more frequently. Hope this is helping someone out there, if anyone is reading.