Symptoms?

6dp5dt -- 3 days to go until beta!

There's been a lot of "activity" in my body today. I've felt slightly crampy, with some lower back pain, and I had some feelings I don't think I've ever felt before. My breasts are also a bit tingly. All of this been happening off and on for several days but I wasn't so sure that some of it wasn't just effects of the estrogen patches and progesterone or wishful thinking for symptoms. There's no doubt that I'm not imagining this stuff now. But it still could be the meds.

I am not going to POAS (pee on a stick) because I just don't want to have to process the results. I won't believe it either way and if it's negative, that could really mess with my head. I am doing pretty well and just don't need to go there.

Amazingly, I've somehow convinced myself that the beta is just one more hoop to jump through, like the egg retrieval, the fertilization report, the wait for embryos to develop and grow to become blasts, the comprehensive genetic testing of embryos, the thaw of the two they transferred.... So many things have to happen "just so" that getting past this first beta is sort of just another hoop to jump through. If it is positive, I still have to jump through the second beta hoop, the ultrasound-looking-for-a-heartbeat hoop, and who knows how many more hoops before I end up with a live infant or two.

How have I ended up thinking like this? I think my experience a year ago was so traumatic, I just don't want to let myself go there again. I am the only person I've ever known to cry her eyes out before leaving the RE's office  (while standing in line to check out, in full view of everyone in the waiting room, waiting for their own good or bad news). But yes, that was me last May when the doc finally said there was no hope for a viable pregnancy to develop. I just couldn't hold it in until the parking lot. It had only been about 12 days since the first beta and six days since they started using the phrase "not genetically viable" but my hope was so fierce, I was determined to see those HCG levels rise. Tears streaming down my face, I apologized to the check-out girl saying, "Sorry. I know this is bad for business." Our train wreck cycle followed that -- 3 eggs, 0 fertilized. Then we were kicked out of the Attain financing program. After that, I crashed emotionally and did not begin to believe that perhaps I could conceive a child with my eggs until some time after our one day workup at CCRM.

Our experience with CCRM has been so enchanting. And it really isn't CCRM as much as it is their results. I mean, they retrieved 17 eggs and created 5 normal embryos in their lab. Hope was reborn. But there are limits to where I will let myself go. On Saturday, if I get a BFP, believe me, I will shout it to the mountaintops of this blog. But then I'll start thinking about Monday's beta. It sort of seems like the hoop-jumping could be never-ending, possibly sending me to crazytown pretty quickly. So instead, I'm trying to enjoy each day of this experience . After all, being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) may be the only "pregnant" I ever am. I want to enjoy it as much as I can.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I feel healthy and at peace at the moment. Time will tell!

One last note: I am getting pretty good at telling people who know my infertility story -- and even know about Denver and in some cases, the transfer last week -- that we're just not telling. For example, here's what I said to a good friend who emailed me tonight with an "any news?" question: "We had a frozen embryo transfer (2) last week, so we hope to have some good news this summer! Once we get the initial result, we plan to hold back on sharing it until we’re feeling more confident that it’s really going to happen this time." People have been very respectful.

The HPT

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the thought that possibly, just possibly, I had conceived naturally made me feel like the Earth was going to tilt off its axis and screw up the seasons, the tides, the length of a day, and whatever else depends on it. (Did you know that the earthquake in Chile caused the Earth to shift on its axis and actually shortened the length of a day by 1.26 millionths of a second?)

So thank goodness for all of us. All is right with the world. I am not preggers. Not yet.

I had never tried a digital HPT (and I'm not so much into HPTs anyway) but one came free with a package of OPKs, so I used it this morning. It was rather insulting, blinking at me like that: "Not Pregnant." "Not Pregnant." "Not Pregnant." I breathed a sigh of relief, tossed it in the garbage, and went about my day.

Relief? Well, yes, pretty much. I mean what if it had been positive? I would have been scared to death that the one embryo that finally decided to stick was genetically abnormal -- unlike the fabulous five embryos waiting for me in Denver that passed their genetic tests with flying colors. My Plan is to have a transfer on April 22. Any veering off The Plan is just not acceptable at this point. 

I found out that I have until Monday for AF to arrive. If she doesn't arrive by Monday, then The Plan will have to change. Please AF, come and see me!

Results!

I don't have time to say much right now, but I simply cannot wait to share the results, which I received this afternoon.

Out of our six frozen embryos, FIVE are normal. I can hardly believe it. I was hoping for at least two.

FIVE!!!!!

I am so ecstatically happy. Projected FET date is April 22.

So glad I got this info before the weekend.

Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement, prayers, and support!

Now I'm going out to dinner to celebrate with my husband.... More later!