I'm back and still puny

I haven't had any time on anyone's blogs for the past 10 days or so... My mom came to stay with me while DH was out of town. He got home last night and she left this morning. I am so, so grateful that my mom did this for me. She is a retired nurse so she knows how to anticipate a person's needs when they are feeling puny, which I still am.

I can't say that we did much other than go to work each day, but these days that is an accomplishment for me! (Mom volunteers at the nonprofit where I work, so she came with me to work.) My brother and SIL came to visit on Friday (I took the day off) and stayed until Sunday morning. My SIL's birthday is tomorrow so we had a small party Saturday night. They cooked, thankfully, because I'm not so much into cooking even when I like food. And late Saturday night, I had a pregnancy first -- not exciting at all, but notable. I had a few bites of some fish and immediately said, "I can't do this." It was all I could do to swallow the second bite. For the next several hours, my stomach felt unsettled. And later, yep, it came back up. It was kind of a relief, in an odd way. I've felt so nauseous at times, I've said to my body, "I dare you to throw up!" Well, I did. And it was nice to feel better afterwards. It was just a single incident, so it was no doubt completely related to that fish. Ick.

Unfortunately, that experience put me back a few steps in my slight progress toward developing an appetite again. Yesterday I was extra-cautious about what I ate, didn't eat enough, didn't have enough energy, etc., etc. Today, I actually called in sick at work. I didn't sleep well at all and knew it was going to be a bad day if I tried to go to work. So I cut myself some slack and stayed home.

Today I am 10w2d, so I'm hoping I'm in the home stretch of this. I went to the Atlanta clinic for my weekly E2 and P4 blood draw. When CCRM called with results, they surprised me. I go back Friday (not the usual Monday) for one more check of both and if all is well, I'm done! I am already down to one Vivelle patch and I did my last PIO shot last Friday. I take that last patch off tomorrow and then I'm done (provided that the numbers look good on Friday)! This is like graduating from the infertility academy!

What a week!

This week has been my least active week on this blog (and other peoples' blogs) since January. We've pretty much had company at our house for a week now, and my mom just arrived last night for the next 10 days. DH has gone with kids from church on a spiritual pilgrimage in the UK. He left last night and when I dropped him off at the train station to go to the airport, I burst into tears. Surprised myself! Before he left I asked him to get some more life insurance because if, God Forbid, anything happened, the existing policy would pretty much leave me in a bind now that we are expecting twins. I was grateful that he heard my plea and made it happen before he left town.

So, a quick recap of the last week. His family arrived last Saturday to celebrate DH's birthday. The big party was Sunday, and even though it rained and I had to move everything inside (it was supposed to be a backyard party), it all worked out great. It did stop raining enough for the four kids who were here to swim in the pool and for people to ooh and ahh about our new backyard. DH had a really great time and felt very loved, which was my mission with the whole thing. Success!

We told his family our news as soon as they arrived on Saturday and there were many hugs, some tears, and lots of questions I wasn't expecting. But it was fine. We ended up explaining everything to them all (IVF, Denver, frozen embryos still there, etc.). They only stayed until Monday at about 6 p.m. I was sad to see them go but was sooo exhausted on Monday, I needed a night to recuperate.

Tuesday, the camp for kids at my work started and my goddaughter was a volunteer. She has done this for three years now and always stays with us. I drive her in to camp when I go to work every day. This has become a special tradition and great concentrated time for us to spend together. More than any other child in the world, she has been my inspiration to become a mother and during the past two years, was a reminder of why we were persevering through the IF treatments. She is 11 now. This year, I think she was probably wondering what in the world had happened to me because I was sooo tired. Last year, we went on long walks in the evening around the neighborhood and swam in the pool every night. This year, I would come home and collapse on the couch at the end of the day. We finally told her Thursday night and she understood. It was so sweet to see her reaction. She got this big smile on her face and said, "That's awesome!" and then she said, "I think I might cry!" I said, "Now you know why I'm no fun anymore -- I haven't been feeling well." I think she was relieved to figure that one out. It was a special moment. She is going to be the perfect babysitting age. Too bad they don't live around the corner from us like they did when she was a baby.

Thursday, I had my first OB appointment. I really liked the new doctor (Ayres with Georgia OB/GYN, if any Atlanta readers are wondering). He came highly recommended by two good friends. I can say more about that later, but for now, I'll say the ultrasound looked good. The heartbeats were like 167 and 182 and he showed us tiny arms and legs. They look like limbless snowmen to me, but I could sort of see what he was showing us. They were measuring 8w5d, right on target.

I will probably be largely absent from the blogosphere this week, too, unless I can steal some time away from my mom in the evenings. She will probably hover a bit, but the way I've been feeling, I probably won't mind too much.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

A Big Sigh of Relief (or two or three)

The first sigh of relief is for my Atlanta RE, who hugged me 4 times and was soooo excited for us. She said she'd been thinking about me.  She could not have been nicer. (See yesterday's post for the back story on this.) I'm so glad I went out of my way to see her today for the ultrasound. She probably would have been disappointed if I had scheduled with one of her colleagues. And the outcome of the u/s was the perfect ending to this chapter of my story with the Atlanta clinic.

The second and third sighs of relief are for our TWINS!!!!

As soon as the image appeared on the screen, my doc sort of squealed and jumped and said, "We have two!"

I was just in awe looking at that monitor with those two gestational sacs and those tiny little fluttering heartbeats.

She took lots of pictures and printed them out. I'll have to see if I can scan them or photograph them another day.

Here are the details:

Embryo A
crown rump length (CRL) is .77 cm (7.7 mm) with a heartrate of 138 bpm
6w5d (based on size)
Projected due date based on size: 1/8/11 (my mom's 69th birthday!)

Embryo B
CRL is .71 cm (7.1 mm) with a heartrate of 137 bpm
6w4d
Projected due date: 1/9/11

I believe that full term for twins is 37 weeks, so those due dates are late. The u/s machine simply calculates things based on the individual size of each embryo.

I have mostly been in shock about this. I do feel like I now have an explanation for all the nausea. This evening I was going to take a short nap but my mind couldn't stop thinking about twins. DH was in the next room and every now and then, I'd say something like, "It just got a whole lot more expensive to fly home" or "Our childcare costs just doubled!" I started thinking about getting two babies in and out of car seats in my Volvo S60 and taking them ANYWHERE at all. Wow. If we do indeed end up with twins, I've got a lot to learn. I've got a lot to learn no matter what!

I am excited but kind of overwhelmed. I haven't cried at all. DH did get teary after the u/s. My mom cried on the phone. Actually the only time I got a bit misty was when I was walking toward the building from the parking lot thinking about all the times I've walked that path. I thought about coming and going before and after so many failures and wondered if I'd exit the building today with another failure under my belt. I thought about what good care my doc has given me, about the time she sent me to the ER across the street when I had unbearable pain a week after my first transfer. I thought about the times I'd been wheeled to the curb in a wheelchair post retrieval. It was odd knowing that any success I would claim today was not because of the work of this clinic. But I do give them a good bit of the credit. Without my Atlanta doc, her nurse, and the rest of the team, I would have never made it to this point. They weren't able to get me across the finish line but they've cheered me on along the way and my doc has coached me through this in many ways. It really has been a much more personal experience than CCRM. But that makes sense when I've only been to CCRM a few times in comparison. And I can't imagine Dr. Babycraft hugging me. Not in a million years.

You may think I'm crazy going on and on about the Atlanta clinic like this but I think it's something I have to do to put everything that's happened behind me.

More later!

Back on track

Well, I forgot to post an update that AF did finally arrive -- and in time to keep things on schedule. I started BCPs the other day and today I start Lupron, too. I've never done a frozen transfer so this is all new to me.

I haven't had a lot to write about, which is why I haven't, but I feel like posting a few random things. Here goes . . .

We are moving forward on our backyard project and I'm getting really excited. The contractor we've chosen has caught on that we want to move quickly. In a private conversation, I explained the birthday celebration idea (DH is turning 50 Memorial Day weekend) and the contractor all but guaranteed me they could get it done in time. He also is reasonable about our budget and wants to do everything he can to get as much done as possible for that amount. I like that. In contrast, one of the guys we didn't pick -- from a company with a slick web site and small but very nice showroom -- wanted us to pay more than $3,000 to go through a master planning phase, after which we would determine how much we could do within our budget and how long it would take. As much as I know those people would do excellent work, there's no way I was going there. They were selling a Mercedes and I need a Volkswagen.

We are taking a bold step in this project just for our frozen embryos -- we are regrading a grassy area of the backyard for a play area. Sound completely insane? Don't worry, we aren't installing a swing set... And the regrading sort of needs to be done anyway to control water that flows down and wreaks havoc on the rest of the yard (that's what got us into this mess to begin with). Plus, it's just more practical to do it now as part of the big project. The area isn't visible from many windows in our home, so if the embryos never grow into running, playing children, it's not like I'll have to look at the flat grassy area every day and imagine them there. I hope. I guarantee you, if that happens, I will repurpose that space so it doesn't haunt me for the rest of my days.

*******

There are now three couples in our small church who are expecting. One couple is our really good friends and I'm quite excited for them. (I posted about our conversation with them several weeks ago when they shared the news with us and he tried to get me to yell and curse at him.) The other two couples I don't know well, but I'm happy for them, too. Getting it in my head that the alternative to being happy for someone who is pregnant is wishing they were infertile made it a lot easier for me to be happy for women I know who are pregnant. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them and discuss every little detail of their pregnancies, but I don't find it upsetting to sit two rows behind them in church.

Speaking of church and pregnancies, we have the best pastor. When he found out about our good friends who are pregnant, he called DH to give him a heads up because he didn't want us to hear from someone else. DH assured him that we were some of the first ones to know after their families and that we've travelled the IF road with them for a few years now. I thought it was so kind that he made that call, though. He's looking out for us.

********

Work is going better. Feeling a little less like drudgery. Stressful days in relation to my colleague who's been diagnosed with breast cancer. We had a scare this week because after what was expected to be a simple procedure, they thought they'd discovered that it had spread and she would need chemo immediately. But with the pathology report that came in a few days later, they said chemo isn't necessarily needed just yet.

*****

Today's the first day in like 14 days when I didn't have to jump up first thing in the morning and go fulfill some kind of work-related or volunteer-related commitment. It's so wonderful! It's going to be a good day. There's nothing I absolutely have to do. This afternoon we are going to a six-year-old birthday party for my godson -- can't wait to see him, his sister and his mom and dad! Gotta run now to the pharmacy and pick up my Lupron.

Summer plans

I think my good news from a week ago has finally found a place to settle in my heart and mind. Last night over dinner with one of our best friends, in reference to what I'm going to be doing when my husband is out of the country the second week in June, I said, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet, because I'm going to be pregnant." It just rolled off my tongue so easily! If we transfer two embryos and each has about a 70% chance of making it, I just know it's got to work. Obviously, it may not, but work with me here. I sound hopeful for once! Let's just enjoy this, okay?

In other news, I am leading the charge on finally getting started on a major backyard renovaton project we've been dreaming about for a few years now. Because Atlanta had a 500-year rain last September, all hell has broken loose in our sloped backyard. It is a huge mess involving our deck, which is literally about to fall off the side of our house, and a retaining wall at the bottom of the slope, which is right next to our pool, into which mud could slide any day now. Do we have the cash for this project? Of course not. But we have to do parts of it because the water is only going to cause more and more damage to our property. And mud in the pool could be a real disaster.

So just to keep myself motivated on this project, I invited all of my husband's immediate family (9 people) to come to Atlanta for Memorial Day weekend. It is DH's birthday and he is turning 50! I'm planning to totally surprise him with a party -- a backyard party. He loves his family and so do I, so I hope it all works out. He's not an extrovert, so as I was thinking of what he would like to do for his big milestone birthday, and I thought he'd be thrilled to have his siblings, their spouses, a much beloved niece and nephew, and dear mother show up to celebrate. I can't wait. I'm secretly telling the contractors about this celebration, but in DH's presence, I keep saying, "This has to be done by Memorial Day Weekend. I must float in my pool when summer kicks off!!" He hasn't questioned my insistence because he loves to float in the pool more than I do.

Nothing much more to report. In IF-land, I'm waiting for AF to arrive next week so I can get started on this FET-prep protocol. My drug-free weeks are about to be over.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

Coasting

I would not have predicted that I'd go three days before posting again since I'm in Denver now and I'm supposed to have all kinds of time on my hands. We actually have been pretty busy.

Thursday -- ultrasound and bloodwork, consult with genetic counselor, backup sperm sample, switched rooms in hotel (got the big one we wanted), dealt with work issues and internet problems in new hotel room

Friday -- IVF physical, electro acupunture, more internet problems in hotel room, trip into Denver to visit The Tattered Cover bookstore (thanks for the recommendation, Pie) and find a place to have birthday dinner, and oh -- intermittent gifts throughout the day from DH (he's so wonderful!)

Saturday -- ultrasound and bloodwork, spontaneous 300+ mile trip ino the mountains that took the rest of the day. It was so beautiful - lots of snow on the ground, bright and sunny

Today -- ultrasound and bloodwork, church, lunch, grocery store and Target, work projects due tomorrow, walk on treadmill, dinner at yummy Mexican restaurant out our back door

So that's what I've been doing, but here's the skinny:

Started stim meds 1/23 (Menopur, Follistim, Saizen (Saizen just for five days)

1/26 ultrasound/bloodwork
E2 593, P 0.3, LH 6.4
15 follicles

1/28 ultrasound/bloodwork
E2 1674, P 0.9, LH 6.5
11 follicles measured (L 13.5, 16.1, 11.9, 14 and R 14.6, 12.7, 13.5, 13.1, 15.2, 13.2, 11.5)
Need to watch P level -- if gets above 2.0, may have to freeze all embryos no matter how many we have

1/30 ultrasound/bloodwork and Doppler retest
E2 4076, P 1.7, LH 4.9 - stim meds discontinued p.m. to keep E2 from rising much more - "coasting"
11 follicles measured (L 12.4, 18.2, 13.1, 17.7,10.3 and R 17.2, 17.9, 13.9, 17.1, 14.0, 13.8)
Doppler results normal (PI down from 4.69 to 2.05 on R and 3.9 to 2.24 on L!)

1/31 ultrasound/bloodwork
E2 4815, P 1.9, LH 3.7
11 follicles measured (L 19.6, 18.3, 17.4, 15.3, 12.4 and R 18.2, 16.2, 15.1, 18.3, 16.5, 17.4)
Sonographer counted 17 but only measured the biggest ones.

I thought they might trigger me tonight, but I'm still coasting. I'm glad about this. My big problem in previous cycles has been getting enough mature eggs. Everyone here has been saying we should get double digits, which would be amazing. We got 7 last April and 3 in August.

When we met with the genetic counselor, we discussed plan A, plan B, plan C... Plan A is to get at least five eggs to fertilize so we can do the genetic testing. Plan B is either a fresh transfer or polar body testing. All of the possibilities are kind of mind boggling. I loved receiving the information that the genetic counselor shared, but it was a bit overwhelming when I started thinking about every little thing that could happen in our specific situation.

Tomorrow we have another ultrasound and bloodwork and a regroup with Dr. S. (we are now calling him Dr. Babycraft). In Atlanta, the docs often do the scans, so you get to have a pretty regular, ongoing dicussion with your doctor, which is nice. Here, they have a pretty different model for getting things done, which in many ways is also nice, but it doesn't give you the opportunity to regularly communicate with your doc directly, so I scheduled this appointment just to touch base. I'm so glad I did that. Can't wait to get his take on how I'm progressing.

I also asked today who is calling the shots over the weekend since Dr. Babycraft isn't on. I was pleased that he isn't totally out of the loop; he is apparently supervising the on-call doc's decisions. I asked about my chances for getting him for the retrieval and Nurse Julie explained that I can request him if that's what I want. I assured her that that's what I want because this is our last ditch effort at this and well, he's the man.

About the Doppler retest -- in November at our one-day workup, they discovered a problem with uterine bloodflow. I was told that a year's worth of acupuncture had been done incorrectly and that I needed to start doing electro acupuncture. My great acupuncturist in Atlanta talked to one in Denver who works with CCRM and she started treatments according to Denver's specifications. I was also told, "Absolutely no caffeine of any kind" so I eliminated Coke, tea, and chocolate (very painful, especially during the holidays). I started drinking at least 64 oz of water per day and walking 30 minutes each day. This new regimen was a pretty significant undertaking for me, but I decided to abide by these rules because I wanted to give this all I've got. And what do you know?! It worked!