What a week!

This week has been my least active week on this blog (and other peoples' blogs) since January. We've pretty much had company at our house for a week now, and my mom just arrived last night for the next 10 days. DH has gone with kids from church on a spiritual pilgrimage in the UK. He left last night and when I dropped him off at the train station to go to the airport, I burst into tears. Surprised myself! Before he left I asked him to get some more life insurance because if, God Forbid, anything happened, the existing policy would pretty much leave me in a bind now that we are expecting twins. I was grateful that he heard my plea and made it happen before he left town.

So, a quick recap of the last week. His family arrived last Saturday to celebrate DH's birthday. The big party was Sunday, and even though it rained and I had to move everything inside (it was supposed to be a backyard party), it all worked out great. It did stop raining enough for the four kids who were here to swim in the pool and for people to ooh and ahh about our new backyard. DH had a really great time and felt very loved, which was my mission with the whole thing. Success!

We told his family our news as soon as they arrived on Saturday and there were many hugs, some tears, and lots of questions I wasn't expecting. But it was fine. We ended up explaining everything to them all (IVF, Denver, frozen embryos still there, etc.). They only stayed until Monday at about 6 p.m. I was sad to see them go but was sooo exhausted on Monday, I needed a night to recuperate.

Tuesday, the camp for kids at my work started and my goddaughter was a volunteer. She has done this for three years now and always stays with us. I drive her in to camp when I go to work every day. This has become a special tradition and great concentrated time for us to spend together. More than any other child in the world, she has been my inspiration to become a mother and during the past two years, was a reminder of why we were persevering through the IF treatments. She is 11 now. This year, I think she was probably wondering what in the world had happened to me because I was sooo tired. Last year, we went on long walks in the evening around the neighborhood and swam in the pool every night. This year, I would come home and collapse on the couch at the end of the day. We finally told her Thursday night and she understood. It was so sweet to see her reaction. She got this big smile on her face and said, "That's awesome!" and then she said, "I think I might cry!" I said, "Now you know why I'm no fun anymore -- I haven't been feeling well." I think she was relieved to figure that one out. It was a special moment. She is going to be the perfect babysitting age. Too bad they don't live around the corner from us like they did when she was a baby.

Thursday, I had my first OB appointment. I really liked the new doctor (Ayres with Georgia OB/GYN, if any Atlanta readers are wondering). He came highly recommended by two good friends. I can say more about that later, but for now, I'll say the ultrasound looked good. The heartbeats were like 167 and 182 and he showed us tiny arms and legs. They look like limbless snowmen to me, but I could sort of see what he was showing us. They were measuring 8w5d, right on target.

I will probably be largely absent from the blogosphere this week, too, unless I can steal some time away from my mom in the evenings. She will probably hover a bit, but the way I've been feeling, I probably won't mind too much.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Six Weeks

I think my last post confirms a suspicion I had -- I have no readers (well, maybe one or two) from Atlanta! I still need to find an OB but I'll sort that out eventually.

This week I began having some difficult symptoms -- nausea, extreme tiredness, and food aversions -- off and on throughout the day. I haven't quite figured out how to manage the nausea and food aversions, which are linked. My aversions aren't exactly specific. It's more like food in general makes me want to gag. A lot of what I've read has suggested eating smaller meals but if I do that, it will be a big change. And I somewhat dread every meal, so if I have to eat six small meals, my daily dread will be doubled. I have found that if I eat something before my stomach gets really empty, the nausea and aversions are held at bay a bit. I have also found that if I make myself eat something, it usually turns out okay. My nausea isn't accompanied by vomiting, at least.

I really want to figure out how to manage this because I hate feeling like this all the time. Last night DH and I had agreed to go get something to eat at one of our favorite neighborhood spots and then I backed out because we waited too long to go and I started feeling miserably nauseous. I apologized and told him I'm afraid I've ruined his life for the next few months. Later, he said he was thinking about what I said and that that's just not so. "It's all about you," he said. Sweet!

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Some of you won't believe this after all of the thought and effort put toward NOT telling the boss -- I told her on Thursday. I was feeling so bad, I became concerned that I was going to have to quickly exit an important meeting or that she was going to notice me dragging myself through each day. The telling turned out just fine. I think she actually likes being the only person in the building who knows. She was very congratulatory and didn't freak out and start asking when my leave would be or talking about how she's going to find someone to cover for me, etc. -- there was none of that. I'm relieved that I told her because I was spending a little bit too much energy keeping it from her. Our offices are next door to each other and it's just easier this way.

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I don't know what it's like in other cities and towns, but in Atlanta, I'm told if you are going to need childcare for an infant, you need to get put on a waiting list as soon as you get pregnant -- and there might be a spot available by the time you need it. A year ago, I took this advice to heart and within less than a week of my first good beta, I started making calls. I got really excited about the possibility of finding a great situation for the baby and about the new relationships we'd have with our child's caregivers. Plus, it made everything seem very real. However, within two days of making those calls, things faltered and they started using the phrase "not genetically viable." Having had these conversations with childcare providers made this even more difficult.

So this week, I made one call. It freaked me out, so I decided to take my chances and wait a bit longer for such research. If worse comes to worse, I have no doubt that my mother, the first-time grandmother who would probably move in with us if I asked her (not gonna happen!), will gladly bridge the gap until our time on the waiting list turns up. Within a few weeks, though, we do need to get a move on finding the best situation we can. This will mean tours of facilities, applications, and wait list fees.

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Our big backyard project is almost complete -- on time! But something horrible like 40% over budget. The contractor and I have had a few moments because he just doesn't listen to me. Does what he wants, even though it is my yard. I haven't had to go so far as to ask him whose yard it is, but I have thought about it. Luckily he usually gets everything right in the end. The whole thing is going to be awesome. So much better than we ever envisioned.  We have two weeks until the inlaws arrive, so we're now in the phase of finishig touches. We're going today to shop for a new outdoor dining table because the one we had picked out is now on back order until 6/30. We may just wait for it because the price was right and it was just what I want.

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So that's about all my news. Not a lot to report. I have not felt like posting much but I have been reading and commenting on others' blogs. Our ultrasound is next Thursday, at six weeks, five days. I'm sure I'll post again after that, if not sooner.

On being hopeful

Hope is such a mysterious and sometimes elusive thing. Friday night I googled something about FET and one of the top FET links that came up was something from the blog of another CCRM patient. I clicked over there and was absolutely drawn in by her storytelling abilities. And she was so positive! Her FET was last October and it worked. It was her last chance and she transferred her very last embryo. And it worked! The great thing is, she was so, so hopeful and positive beforehand. She wasn't disappointed when she learned the outcome. Was her joy at the good news even more full because she'd already been in a positive place?

I thought about her positive energy several times yesterday, wishing I could be so positive. I don't know if I just don't have it in me at all or if I can't let myself go there because I've had too many disappointments to grieve over already (dad's brain injury and death 9 years later being the chief disappointment -- that absolutely changed my outlook on so many things, including my faith and my beliefs about how God works in our lives, answers prayers, etc.). I worked really, really hard after dad died to reclaim a positive and hopeful outlook on life. When I met my wonderful, sweet, funny husband and became part of his very cool family, hope was restored in a big way. Although my dad and four grandparents died within the span of 11 years and my own family was reduced to just a few special people, I was given a new family and learned that there's always an opportunity for renewal, one way or another.

But I still find it difficult to be super-positive and upbeat about the FET results that will be known on May 1.  My hope is laced with caution.

Perhaps I could decide now that it will be more fun to be hopeful and positive. I'll just throw my caution to the wind. The journey of the next few weeks would be much more fun and light-hearted, but if it doesn't work, will the disappointment be greater?

What do you think?

Something occurred to me a few days ago before I got distracted by AF's delay (she still isn't here yet) . . .  I was thinking about the transfer scheduled for late April, the two-week wait, and the fact that without a doubt, my mom and mother-in-law will each in her own special way display heightened interest in all of this.

Here's what I'm curious about: what if I informed the moms that I'm going to stop giving the play-by-play after the transfer until I'm ready to share the outcome with them? This idea appeals to me.

Is it selfish?
Has anyone tried something like this? If so, how did it work?

I think it could help me manage the highs and lows of the 2ww and the first several weeks of pregnancy. It could give us the opportunity to try to surprise our moms with a more traditional pregnancy announcement at a time when we're ready to share it.

What do you think?

Summer plans

I think my good news from a week ago has finally found a place to settle in my heart and mind. Last night over dinner with one of our best friends, in reference to what I'm going to be doing when my husband is out of the country the second week in June, I said, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet, because I'm going to be pregnant." It just rolled off my tongue so easily! If we transfer two embryos and each has about a 70% chance of making it, I just know it's got to work. Obviously, it may not, but work with me here. I sound hopeful for once! Let's just enjoy this, okay?

In other news, I am leading the charge on finally getting started on a major backyard renovaton project we've been dreaming about for a few years now. Because Atlanta had a 500-year rain last September, all hell has broken loose in our sloped backyard. It is a huge mess involving our deck, which is literally about to fall off the side of our house, and a retaining wall at the bottom of the slope, which is right next to our pool, into which mud could slide any day now. Do we have the cash for this project? Of course not. But we have to do parts of it because the water is only going to cause more and more damage to our property. And mud in the pool could be a real disaster.

So just to keep myself motivated on this project, I invited all of my husband's immediate family (9 people) to come to Atlanta for Memorial Day weekend. It is DH's birthday and he is turning 50! I'm planning to totally surprise him with a party -- a backyard party. He loves his family and so do I, so I hope it all works out. He's not an extrovert, so as I was thinking of what he would like to do for his big milestone birthday, and I thought he'd be thrilled to have his siblings, their spouses, a much beloved niece and nephew, and dear mother show up to celebrate. I can't wait. I'm secretly telling the contractors about this celebration, but in DH's presence, I keep saying, "This has to be done by Memorial Day Weekend. I must float in my pool when summer kicks off!!" He hasn't questioned my insistence because he loves to float in the pool more than I do.

Nothing much more to report. In IF-land, I'm waiting for AF to arrive next week so I can get started on this FET-prep protocol. My drug-free weeks are about to be over.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!