Not Telling, Encouraging Stats, Rooting for Pie

Ahh, it's a lazy Saturday morning! I love it. Thought I'd do an update on a couple of things:

I made it through the meeting with the boss yesterday without any inquiries about the outcome of the FET. I was ready, thanks to comments on my previous post, but didn't even need to evade any questions. I had a stroke of luck, actually, and was able to preempt any inquiries by bringing it up first. My boss told me that one our colleagues, a man with a big personality who's always making people laugh, is leaving the organization. This is a big loss for us. I was saying things like, "Oh no!!!! This is terrible!" Well, this guy always conducts a "baby pool" among all staff whenever a woman is expecting. (I have never participated but basically, people bet on when the baby will be born and the person who's closest wins the pot of money.) In the midst of my very genuine "oh no" reaction, something flashed through my mind. My opportunity! So I said, "WHO is going to do my baby pool when I have a baby someday?!" Somehow I knew that my boss, who I know pretty well, would not ask me about the FET after I said this. She just said, "I don't know. I guess someone else will have to do it." And that was it! Ha! I am probably safe until my next meeting with her, which isn't until after the six week ultrasound. Whew!

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I left work a little bit early yesterday because I worked so late Thursday night. I went home to rest a bit and found myself feeling anxious about making it nearly 2 more weeks to the six week ultrasound. This is a whole 'nother 2ww! I pulled up an old email from CCRM's genetic counselor in which she provided me with a statistical summary for people who've had comprehensive chromosone screening (CCS). Here it is, verbatim:

2007-2009 Blastocyst-CCS General Update
N = 154 transfers
Average maternal age = 37.5
Average number of embryos transferred = 1.87
97% survival post vitrification
~61 % implantation rate
~74% clinical pregnancy rate (6 week ultrasound)
~71% ongoing clinical pregnancy

13% of patients who undergo blast biopsy had all aneuploid* embryos. This means 87% of the patients had at least one normal embryo available to transfer. Of the 154 woman who have had transfers (this does not include the patients whose embryos were all abnormal) of euploid** blastocyst embryos, ~110 have delivered a healthy baby (or babies). I calculated this number by taking 71% of 154 (see stats above).

* “aneuploid” means chromosomally abnormal
** “euploid” means chromosomally normal

I wanted to know where I am in those statistics now, so I called her -- and luck was on my side, I caught her! -- to ask a few clarifying questions. I was thinking the 61% implantation rate was a typo but she said it is not, because it is a calculation of implantation of each embryo transferred.

I asked about rates of miscarriage and she said they don't track them at every step of the way. BUT what she did say was very good news -- the miscarriage rate for women in this study after they had positive betas was just 4 to 5 percent!! This is exactly the kind of reassuring information I was seeking. I could, of course, be in that 4-5 percent, but my mind is at peace with those odds.

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Last but not least, today I am thinking a lot about Pie, whose beta is tomorrow -- on Mother's Day! That's just wrong. And to top it off, her husband is out of town until tomorrow. If you have a minute today, say a prayer, send some sticky vibes, or visit Pie's blog and leave an encouraging comment. Pie, I am rooting for you!

A Strange New Place

Thanks again to everyone for your comments and support!

I don't have time to post this, but I feel the need to get some thoughts out. Now that I've had two strong betas, I'm officially pregnant. I've never been THIS pregnant before, which is sad since I'm only 4 weeks and 4 days along. I feel like I should be further along, given my symptoms -- lots of weird feelings in my midsection and extreme tiredness.

Don't get me wrong -- I am HAPPY -- but I am realizing something: I don't know how to be pregnant. I know how to be infertile. And this is sad but true, but in some ways, I'm more comfortable being an infertile underdog than a pregnant CCRM "graduate."

Right now, since it's too early to tell people, I'm spending a little bit too much time thinking about how to NOT tell people, especially my boss. I have a meeting with her on Friday morning and I'm hoping she's not going to be asking about where things stand. She knows about the FET and knows it was on 4/22. I've thought and thought about a way to say, "We're not ready to say yet" without ticking her off. If she gets testy about things, then I'll be ticked off. We've been having that effect on each other quite a bit in recent weeks, so chances are good. I just hope she doesn't ask, because I have no doubt that she expects to know as soon as I know something, which in itself infuriates me (and is pretty much illegal).

Anyone have suggestions for handling a nosy boss who already knows too much?

Gotta run. I have a VERY long day tomorrow -- it's my organization's "signature" event and I'll be working a 12+ hour day, much of it on my feet.

Still Pregnant

I am sooo tired -- meant to post earlier but got sidetracked with DH's birthday party invitation -- but I couldn't let the day pass without a quick update.

To recap -- Saturday's beta was 387. Today's was 1,108!
I'm still pregnant and very relieved.

My nurse asked, "How many did we transfer?" (two)
She also asked, "So you're okay with multiples?" (yes)

Of course it's still too early to tell. We'll have our first ultrasound on May 20, so I would think we'd know then.

Thanks to everyone who's reading for your wonderful support and happy comments. I just keep reading the comments over and over because almost no one in my real life knows and it's fun to be happy and excited with you. I appreciate you all -- my followers, my lurkers, and anyone who's prayed or sent baby dust, sticky vibes, or positive energy my way.

A Call from Summer on May Day

So the call came in at 10:26 a.m. (so early!) and I was in the middle of a session on international adoption at the Resolve Family Building Conference in Atlanta. I had been thinking "oh I hope don't really need this information" not five minutes before I looked down and saw my phone light up and begin to vibrate. It was CCRM. I jumped up, steppped over a few people and bolted out of the room, leaving my purse and other belongings behind.

The caller, whose name I didn't catch because I was so surprised they were calling so early and because I was flustered from rushing out of the room to catch her call, said, "Well, we got your lab results back." And I thought it was going to be bad news - just for half a second. Then she said, "And everything looks great. Your HCG was 387!"

At that I pretty much started rambling things like, "Oh my gosh! Are you serious? I can't believe you called so early! Do you know where I am? I was just in a session about international adoption...."  She asked me what time I went to the doctor because she was surprised to get the results so early, too. My appointment was at 8 a.m., which is 6 a.m. in Denver. Good for my Atlanta clinic for sending results over so promptly!

She confirmed that I'm doing daily PIO shots and 3 endometrins per day and then said for me to keep that up. I didn't even think to ask what my progesterone level was. I did ask about the HCG of 387 and confirmed that even though that's kind of high, it's too early to make singleton or twin projections. The nurse said she's seen numbers like that result in both.

Before we hung up, I asked, "What was your name again? I want to remember this." It was Summer. I thanked Summer for such great news.

Yahoo!!

Now on to the next hoop: Monday's beta -- HCG needs to double!

Symptoms?

6dp5dt -- 3 days to go until beta!

There's been a lot of "activity" in my body today. I've felt slightly crampy, with some lower back pain, and I had some feelings I don't think I've ever felt before. My breasts are also a bit tingly. All of this been happening off and on for several days but I wasn't so sure that some of it wasn't just effects of the estrogen patches and progesterone or wishful thinking for symptoms. There's no doubt that I'm not imagining this stuff now. But it still could be the meds.

I am not going to POAS (pee on a stick) because I just don't want to have to process the results. I won't believe it either way and if it's negative, that could really mess with my head. I am doing pretty well and just don't need to go there.

Amazingly, I've somehow convinced myself that the beta is just one more hoop to jump through, like the egg retrieval, the fertilization report, the wait for embryos to develop and grow to become blasts, the comprehensive genetic testing of embryos, the thaw of the two they transferred.... So many things have to happen "just so" that getting past this first beta is sort of just another hoop to jump through. If it is positive, I still have to jump through the second beta hoop, the ultrasound-looking-for-a-heartbeat hoop, and who knows how many more hoops before I end up with a live infant or two.

How have I ended up thinking like this? I think my experience a year ago was so traumatic, I just don't want to let myself go there again. I am the only person I've ever known to cry her eyes out before leaving the RE's office  (while standing in line to check out, in full view of everyone in the waiting room, waiting for their own good or bad news). But yes, that was me last May when the doc finally said there was no hope for a viable pregnancy to develop. I just couldn't hold it in until the parking lot. It had only been about 12 days since the first beta and six days since they started using the phrase "not genetically viable" but my hope was so fierce, I was determined to see those HCG levels rise. Tears streaming down my face, I apologized to the check-out girl saying, "Sorry. I know this is bad for business." Our train wreck cycle followed that -- 3 eggs, 0 fertilized. Then we were kicked out of the Attain financing program. After that, I crashed emotionally and did not begin to believe that perhaps I could conceive a child with my eggs until some time after our one day workup at CCRM.

Our experience with CCRM has been so enchanting. And it really isn't CCRM as much as it is their results. I mean, they retrieved 17 eggs and created 5 normal embryos in their lab. Hope was reborn. But there are limits to where I will let myself go. On Saturday, if I get a BFP, believe me, I will shout it to the mountaintops of this blog. But then I'll start thinking about Monday's beta. It sort of seems like the hoop-jumping could be never-ending, possibly sending me to crazytown pretty quickly. So instead, I'm trying to enjoy each day of this experience . After all, being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) may be the only "pregnant" I ever am. I want to enjoy it as much as I can.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I feel healthy and at peace at the moment. Time will tell!

One last note: I am getting pretty good at telling people who know my infertility story -- and even know about Denver and in some cases, the transfer last week -- that we're just not telling. For example, here's what I said to a good friend who emailed me tonight with an "any news?" question: "We had a frozen embryo transfer (2) last week, so we hope to have some good news this summer! Once we get the initial result, we plan to hold back on sharing it until we’re feeling more confident that it’s really going to happen this time." People have been very respectful.

PIO Independence!

I'm so proud of myself, I have to brag to some people who can appreciate this . . . I gave myself my very own PIO shot in the bum this morning! DH is going out of town for two days this week, so I was faced with calling a friend who's a nurse, paying my home clinic $30 for each injection, or doing it myself. I didn't like the first two options, so I decided to try it under DH's supervision this morning. And it worked just fine! It actually hurt less than some of those smaller needles in my abdomen or thigh.

After I did it, DH said, "Am I out of a job?" as if he felt like he's no longer needed. I assured him that I'd prefer for him to do it because I didn't like twisting around like that -- the most uncomfortable part. He seemed relieved that his duties hadn't been taken away from him. He's so needy! I love him, though.

All is going well this week. It's hard to believe that my beta is in 4 days!!! I am doing a pretty good job keeping busy at work. I've been resting a lot in the evenings, just trying to not overdo it. So far, so good on the emotional front!

Strategizing for Sanity

We're back home now and thankfully we somehow dodged all of those horrible storms that devastated parts of Mississippi. Ironically, we flew right over those areas but at 40,000 feet above the clouds, it was bright and sunny. I couldn't help but notice that our flight had an all female crew, from the pilot, co-pilot, and the flight attendants. As I exited the plane I felt like saying something about girl power and thanking them for a safe landing, but I did not.

So the fun begins. Yesterday I asked DH for his opinon about three possible strategies for surviving this week:
A. Pretend like nothing has changed, focus on my busy week at work, and as a result, stay pretty even about the news we'll be getting on Saturday.
B. Walk around with a big smile in my heart (and maybe on my face, too), confident at the fact that I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). In other words, positive thinking all the way. Shut out those fears and doubts.
C. Try to keep a realistic mindset, don't forget that the odds are sort of against us here, prepare for a letdown and then if it's positive, be very pleasantly surprised.

I didn't get much advice from him on this (which is probably a good thing), nor did I firmly select A, B, or C. There are merits to all three strategies, but I am leaning toward a combination of A and B, with a bit of C well below the surface. I have a ton of stuff going on at work, we have the big backyard project, and I have a surprise birthday party to plan for DH.

One thing I'd like to avoid is getting into an intense study of possible symptoms day by day. Last night I actually googled "2dp5dt symptoms" (that's "2 days past 5 day transfer"). Reading what I found made me feel anxious and crazy. When I was doing bedrest, I felt some things -- mild crampy feelings -- but who knows if it was back pain from being in bed for so long, if it was something I ate, or if it was something happening with the embryos inside of me. Something like, oh, maybe, implantation?

Right now, I'm just happy that inside of me are two microscopic combinations of me and DH. Last October when my Atlanta doc said "adopt or find an egg donor" I never thought this day would be possible. So for THIS day, I am grateful. At moments yesterday, I thought, "Take your time, Saturday! I don't want to know." In some ways, ignorance is bliss.