Meet Eenie and Meenie

Last Wednesday we had the egg retrieval and got seven mature eggs. I was sedated, so I didn't remember anything at all. After the retrieval, I spent the day at home sleeping. Thursday morning on the way to work, the embryologist called with a report. When he said, "unfortunately" my heart sank. Only two of the seven eggs fertilized. We had planned to name them "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe" so this meant we just had Eenie and Meenie. When I told one of my coworkers, I started to cry, which told me that I was more upset than I realized. I didn't have time to think a lot about it at work though, so I emailed my mom to let her know and dove into work. Mom's reply -- that Eenie and Meenie are survivors -- was encouraging.

That night I reread the paperwork I had signed weeks ago -- a 17-page document that explained the process. You know, you read the stuff ahead of time but until you're living it, it just doesn't all sink in. I read all of the things that could happen to make an IVF cycle unsuccessful and I also did some reading online. There's a clinic in Chicago with lots of good info online. Their site is www.advancedfertility.com. This reading was all a good reality check. As a result, I was prepared for a call Saturday morning that said not to come in because Eenie and Meenie didn't make it.

I went to the acupuncturist at 8 on Saturday and when I told her I was half-way expecting that call, I could tell she was disappointed with my attitude. She emphatically said that although people think this is hocus-pocus there are studies that show that our energy effects everything going on out there. I thought, "Oh great. So if Eenie and Meenie die, I killed them." Of course I didn't say this to her. I assured her that I'm hopeful as well as aware of the possibilities.

But you know what? The call didn't come!

After my acupuncture treatment I ran home to start drinking 64 oz. of water -- you have to have a full bladder for the transfer -- and to take 4 Advil and one Zanax as prescribed by my doctor. We arrived at the clinic for our 10:15 transfer at 9:45. I was excited but still bracing for the moment of truth when we learned whether it would be Eenie and Meenie or just Eenie. After changing into a gown (and my husband changed into scrubs so he could be in the OR with me) they did a quick ultrasound to see if my bladder was full... It was NOT! So the nurse asked me to keep drinking.

A few minutes later I was ready so we met the embryologist, who gave us a photo of E & M. She explained that they grade the embryos on a scale of 1 to 4. One is excellent and 4 is not good. Both E & M were 3s. She called them average. (Of course I thought, "No embryo of mine is average!!") She said they are both eight cells, which is exactly what they want to see on day 3 (day 3 after retrieval) but they have some fragmentation, which could make it difficult for them to implant.

We watched on the monitor as the doctor inserted the catheter into my uterus and injected E & M in there, too. He pointed out the little white dot on the screen, which was E & M, and then he circled it and printed it out. He said the placement was excellent.

They said -- and things I read on that web site noted above also said -- that they are perfectly viable embryos, even though they are fragmented. So the likelihood is less than if they were not fragmented at all, but the doctor said a twin pregnancy is a possibility.

I went back to the acupuncturist for a second treatment after the transfer and by that time, the Zanax had REALLY kicked in. I was feeling it in my head. My husband took me home afterwards and I laid on the couch the rest of the day. Today I got up and went to church and then to the local museum (for a quick 30-minute jaunt through a famous exhibit that was closing today). After that I had planned to run some errands but was feeling tired. I had a big nap on the couch and have pretty much been laying around since then. I didn't want to overdo it, so I figured since it's the weekend, I may as well take advantage and do all I can to rest up.

I've felt an odd "tightness" in my uterus today. Not exactly cramping. Almost like someone has a string tied to my insides and is pulling it together. It is way too early for any sort of symptoms so I'm thinking this is just an after-effect of something I've subjected my poor body to in recent weeks -- high-powered drugs, a needle through my vagina that sucks the eggs out of my follicles, two acupuncture treatments in one day, the transfer.... Who knows?

I am on progesterone and estrogen and have to occupy myself until next Thursday, April 30, for the results. I'm feeling fairly patient at the moment. I'm just really glad I got to see this cycle through to the end. I was going to be upset if it was cancelled because I would've felt like we didn't get a full shot this go 'round. We're on one of those financing programs where you get three tries (more if you have eggs to freeze) so I want to make the most of each attempt.

I should be able to keep myself pretty busy with work, so hopefully I won't get too emotionally erratic during the next 11 days. Will keep you posted!

Seven days of stimulation shots and counting . . .

On Friday, my doctor said, "I don't think you're going to need 12 days of meds." She saw 7 follicles on one ovary and 2-3 on the other. She seemed pleased, but I'm not sure if she's just one of those people who's always positive and encouraging. Not that I think she'd mislead me into thinking things were good if they weren't. My next ultrasound and bloodwork is tomorrow morning -- Easter Sunday morning. There's a chance they'll trigger me Monday, which means the retrieval would be Tuesday. But I think it will go one more day, at least. I will know more tomorrow.

I am also doing acupuncture. I went this morning. She told me that the day of the transfer, a lot of women -- in an effort to do everything they can -- go for two treatmeants. One before and one after the transfer. Who knows if that makes a difference or not? It would be an extra $270, I know that.

I am trying to stay calm but I feel my anxiety level rising at moments. Work is super-busy right now. I think I'll be glad about that after the transfer when I need to keep myself busy. This next week, I'll just be trying to stay calm.

Stim shots and such

The big box containing $4,000 worth of medication arrived late last week. I started twice a day shots of Lupron on Sunday along with a five day prescription of Letrozole, which I had with each of my five IUIs. I'm also on Dexamethasone every day until retrieval. Then Tuesday I added a shot of 375 units of Follistim, administered with a pen that you dial to get the correct dosage and a shot of one vial of Menopur, which you have to reconstitute before it's ready to inject. Thank goodness for the educational CD that shows you exactly what to do. I'd be lost without it. So that's four shots and two pills a day right now.

So far, no real reactions to the meds, which is good. I'm trying to sleep 7.5 to 8 hours a night, which is wonderful. That doesn't happen that often for me.

I'm excited about the next few weeks, to see what we'll learn. And the possibility seems so real, I can't help but be excited about it. I'm trying to temper those feelings with occasional reality checks... IVF isn't a success on the first try for many people. I've looked at the calendar to speculate when the retrieval and transfer might be and then I've looked ahead 2 weeks. Seems like I'll know if it worked in early May.

I actually asked two of my best friends with small children if either one of them had any baby clothes. It was kind of surreal because that was a first. I've been waiting off and on for like 12 years to get a positive pregnancy test, but I've never seriously thought about hand-me-down clothes from my friends' kids. (I wasn't trying to conceive for 12 years. Not at all. It was off and on -- mostly off -- during my first marriage and then for the past two years.)

It is nice to feel hopeful.

No, I haven't abandoned this blog

If there's anyone out there reading this, I'll give a quick update along with a promise for more posts soon. I start the stimulation shots in six days, so I'll be writing about that soon.

Last week I had an hysteroscopy and what they call the "trial transfer" -- two tests that must be done between days six and 12. I almost missed them because I showed up at the wrong location of my doctor's practice (they have at least four locations and I typically go to two of them, depending on the procedure, timing, convenience, doctor's availability, etc.). I just flat missed the message about which office to go to. I walked in upset about being 7 minutes late and then I got REALLY stressed when I realized the test might not be possible because my doctor was going into surgery and there wasn't time to drive to the office where she was. Luckily another doctor -- albeit one I'd never met -- was willing to fit me into his schdule at the location where I was. Everyone there was so nice, understanding, and accomodating. I was a bundle of apologies and full of gratitude for their flexibility because that was the last day for me to get those tests done during the 6 to 12 day window -- I was leaving town for a conference that night.

Tests were somewhat painful, caused a few days' worth of light bleeding, but overall, went okay. The hysteroscopy actually involves inserting a camera inside my uterus -- I got to see color images of my insides... Fascinating! Doctor said it was more pink than he would've expected so he prescribed 10 days of doxycycline, an antibiotic, to clear up any inflammation or infection. I asked him what that really means -- what is the impact of the pink inflammation -- and he said it could indicate that embryos won't attach. I immediately thought, "Is this why I've never been pregnant?"

I didn't have much time to worry about it because I left town that evening and four days later, am still at my conference. Two more days to go at this meeting and then I go home Wednesday evening. My $4,000 order of meds should arrive Thursday and I start doing 4 injections per day on Sunday....

More later!

A Serendipitous Meeting

This morning -- out of the blue -- I met someone who just last week found out she's pregnant after her first IVF cycle. We were both volunteering at a 10K, cheering runners at the finish line, so there was plenty of time to talk. She was so upbeat, positive, and eager to encourage me. It was interesting to talk with her because her excitement made me a bit nervous and I sensed that my lack of enthusiasm was disappointing to her. I wasn't openly negative, but I'm trying to be realistic about IVF and the chance that it will work. I sensed that she wanted me to be really excited but I just couldn't go there. My clinic's pregnancy rate for 38 to 40 year-olds was nearly 41% in 2008... Oh, I get it now. I just looked up the pregnancy rate for women below 35 for my clinic and it is nearly 67%. No wonder she was excited. She is 31, I think. She goes to another clinic in town but they probably have comparable success rates.

The good thing is, I didn't feel jealous of her. I actually felt nervous, like, ohh, it's still early. I hope it takes. Miscarriage isn't uncommon. But she was so sweet, she got my email address and already sent me a note so we can keep in touch.

Having a support system is crucial. It's so great when women encourage each other rather than criticize. It's nice when you meet a perfect stranger and you have an instant connection. I'm grateful for those experiences.

Yesterday's post

Well, I reread what I wrote yesterday. What a whiner I sounded like! I was right about going to church. It made me feel better, as did getting in front of my Outlook calendar at work today, synching it with my Blackberry, and feeling more in control of all that's going on.

I got my hair cut and colored tonight and that always makes me feel good, too. I just remembered something the IVF counselor said. She talked about incorporating extra "quality of life" activities during the stressful days of IVF. Getting my hair done falls into that category.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

I love roller coasters!

Let the ride begin. Yesterday I was so calm and matter of fact about everything. Today, not so much. Yet it has more to do with the rest of my life combined with the fact that I'm about to start IVF than IVF alone. There's a lot going on right now at work and at home and in a couple of my volunteer commitments.

What stresses me out is time away from work. I think I have a work ethic that is well, a bit insane. I have been in my current job for more than six years and have a good relationship with my boss. I have a staff of six people who work with me ,so my being away from the office can impact them if they need me for something. My boss knows what I'm dealing with and is wonderfully understanding about my being out of the office for doctors appointments. A couple of my team members know what's going on, but the others do not, and I'd like to keep it that way. So I say all of that in preparation for my admission that there's really no reason to stress about time away from the office. It's irrational.

So here I am, looking at my calendar trying to figure out when my cycle will start (March 19 or 20 is my estimate) and what all has to happen before I leave town for a conference on March 26: start taking birth control pills for about 12 days, have an intrauterine cavity test and a "trial transfer," as well as a teaching session with the nurse. I also think I have to make sure meds are ordered so I can start injections the day after I get back into town. Or I may have to start them the last day I'm out of town, which would mean they'd have to be delivered before I leave on the 26th. I told the nurse and the doctor about this trip and both agreed that it would not get in the way of starting IVF at this time. I hope they are right about that because I'll be frustrated to have to wait another month.

On top of that, my kitchen is being remodeled and for the next eight days I have no sink, gas cooktop, or countertops. This project started in December but we had some delays and now I'm eager to get this project finished, which means more time away from the office; in other words, more stress. We went today to lay the template of the countertops over the granite slab that we picked. It's going to be FABULOUS! But not until next Thursday when I have to work from home again, possibly all day long, for the installation. And next Friday they are coming to tile the backsplash, reconnect the sink and cooktop, etc. And all of this should fall on Day One and Two!

Okay, I'm going to stop whining. Everything will be okay. I'm going to a Lenten service at church in a little while and that should restore my perspective and give me peace.