The Telling

When we decided to tell our news freely after 13 weeks, I didn't realize the first trimester actually goes until 14 weeks, but we stayed with the plan because our ultrasound during week 12 went well.

Unexpectedly, telling has been a bag of mixed emotions and thoughts. I had imagined it as pure joy. I realize now that I had imagined it as if I had conceived naturally in a normal amount of time -- as if this were a normal pregnancy announcement. Isn't that funny?

Some peoples' reactions made me laugh -- the woman at work who burst out laughing and was so excited for me, and then told me that she had suspected as much a month or more ago when I looked particularly green. Some people cried, including the woman at church who got pregnant when we did last year but went on to have a baby instead of a miscarriage, like we did. I decided that was her relief from the guilt.

When someone -- a guy, no less -- blurted out, "It worked!" in front of people who knew nothing of our IF treatments, I wanted to smack him. I gently told him later that we aren't telling everyone about our IVF because someday we need to tell the kids how they came into the world and it might be best if everyone they know doesn't already know this. I think he got the message.

However, in some situations, I have found that along with saying "we are expecting" comes a a great urge to explain how we came to this point. For three years, I've largely held in all the difficulty we've had conceiving, so now at moments, I have found myself wanting to explain how hard it has been or wanting to educate people about infertility and help them understand that it is all around and you just never know who's dealing with it, so be sensitive, people!). With some people I want to explain what an amazing feat this is -- this is no ordinary pregnancy, people, a WIZARD made my babies in a magical lab... I want them to marvel with me at what medical science can do. And I want to explain the enchanted feeling I had after discovering new hope with CCRM . . . I want to explain why I've been moody or distant or socially awkward for three years -- that there's a root cause to all of it.

But largely, I cannot explain all of that. People just aren't that interested, are they? They are quite interested in the fact that I'm pregnant with twins, but they want to think and talk about due dates and baby names. They don't really want the back story. I'm sure through trial and error I'll figure out what feels right about what to tell and what not to tell -- and to whom.

Some people have asked, "Do twins run in your family?" and when I want to, it has been so great to honestly answer, "They do, actually. My mom's mom and my dad's dad were both twins." I LOVE that because if I don't want to tell them the truth of how I ended up with twins, that's all I have to say. I am not a good liar and I don't like to lie, so having twins in my family history is really helpful. And this is snarky, but it feels good to say that to nosy people who have no business in my business.

One woman from church said, "Oh, so many people have been praying for this for so long." That one has had me thinking: have they been praying for this because they think we'd make good parents and we've been married for almost 4 years and we're both getting up there in age and well, it's just about time? Or did someone secretly spill the fact that we were struggling with infertility and have been doing treatments for years? Or maybe they just assumed such. I don't think I want to know the answer. If a bunch of people at church knew the real deal, I'm so glad I didn't know it. I probably would have skipped church a lot more often.

(Theological tangent, not intended to invite comments by readers who tell me I'm wrong about this or that God's timing is perfect. This is just what I'm thinking: I can't help wondering if sooo many people had been praying for this, why did it take so long? Why did it almost not happen? Kind of reinforces my thought that we are pregnant not because this is what God intended -- "you wanted this so bad, so God made it happen," as one of my friends said -- no, we are pregnant because we persevered through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs and we paid Dr. Babycraft $25,000. Not that God had ill intentions for our pregnancy or that God wasn't part of the equation. I wholeheartedly believe that my faith has helped me along the way. Maybe God helped us find the patience to persevere and the belief that no matter what, we would find some peace through this journey, regardless of the outcome. And who knows, maybe that's what people prayed for:  not for a pregnancy itself, but for patience and peace. God is not Santa Claus, after all. But let me be clear:  I do believe God is in this thing and I need God to be; I'm just not sure God could have made this happen without a lot of help humans.)

Sorry about that. I bet I've never mentioned that I'm a seminary dropout. I took an elective called "Suffering and Evil" at one time that really helped me think through some of the above. Of course it was not thought through within the context of infertiilty; it was throught through within the context of my dad's brain injury and subsequent nine years of living hell betwen 1996 and 2005.

As we told people after church last Sunday, I had a bit of odd anxiety that was unexpected. I think it may have been the fact that I don't really like being the center of attention or the subject of discussion. Or it may have been that being "out there" and having people think I'm a normal pregnant woman is so weird. I do feel very pregnant -- have seen three ultrasounds to prove it and have physically been wiped out for much of the past two months -- but in some ways, it just feels better to keep the pregnancy news to myself and my close circle of friends who've known for a while. Now I move into this phase of being under a microscope and being subject to all kinds of unsolicited advice. The woman who said sooo many people have prayed for this also said, "Expect to be monitored closely by 150 people." That's nice on one hand, but yikes! What a change.

What a jumbled mixture of contradicting thoughts, huh?

The one place I haven't told yet is Facebook. I rarely update my status because I don't think people care what I'm doing. I generally reserve status updates for something big. Well this is big, but I've read so many other bloggers' posts where FB announcements of pregnancies really sting. I don't know who's out there dealing with infertility in my FB world, but I don't want to cause them pain. I thought about just totally coming out and saying, "After three years of struggling with infertility, I am expecting twins." But I don't want everyone who's my friend on FB to know I'm infertile. I've also thought about an email to a smaller group of FB friends. I will probably go that route.

Okay, this post was ready to go until I reread it and decided to add in that theological rant. Sorry again about that, and sorry for the length of this post. I've got more on my mind after listing to a Super Mom explain why cloth diapers and water births are best . . . But will save all of that for later.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

13 weeks today!

Okay, I should have posted sooner with an update. Sorry about that. All is well. It was a pretty good week. I spent the time that I should have spent posting and commenting on peoples' blogs trying to set up a private blog for our families to follow our progress. Everyone lives out of state so we won't be seeing them much before the babies are born. (And this blog is a little more information than I want to give my aunts and uncles and cousins and inlaws!) We do have a trip to see them planned in August but that will be our last visit with them until who knows when. Except for my mother who is growing more and more excited every day and will be visiting multiple times, I'm sure. She sent me the funniest email this week, rambling on and on about how she wants to be supportive and help as much as possible but she doesn't want to interfere with our lives . . . It became quite funny. I forwarded it to DH and simply said, "My mother is loopy." He replied and said she has the grandmother version of pregnancy brain. No kidding! She's 68 and has no grandchildren, so she's waited a while for this. I used to be worried about her interfering (and never going home) but now I'm grateful that she's so available to help out. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle two babies at first and she will be a reassuring presence, especially since she's a retired nurse.

We had our first perinatal appointment on Tuesday for the first trimester screen and had a good, long "visit" with the babies. The sonographer probably spent about 15 or more minutes getting what she needed and then the doctor repeated the ultrasound for about 10 minutes. It was mesmerizing to watch them floating around, oblivious to gravity. Twin A was lounging on his/her back at one point, either sucking his/her thumb or picking his/her nose with legs crossed -- as if he/she was kicked back in a hammock. A few times the sonographer thumped on my stomach to get Twin A to move and it was surprising  to see A react. You think they are in their own little world and that what's happening outside the uterus doesn't have an impact on them -- it was amazing to see Twin A jump, like, "Oh, what was that?" For a split second I thought, "Hey, leave my baby alone!" but A very quickly resumed his/her relaxing, kicked-back pose, so I figured it was okay. Funny how that mother's instict kicks in, isn't it?

Here's a close up of Baby A

And here are A's hands and feet in the air

And here is Baby B

And two shots of B's legs (kind of hard to see)

We discussed with the doctor (who we like very much) the bleeding episode and he said that one of the placentas is right on top of my cervix, so he isn't surprised. He said no walking for exercise, no intercourse, nothing strenuous. In addition to the ultrasound, they did a finger prick and ran some blood tests. We had a bit of a scare on Thursday when a genetic counselor called to say that Twin A's results came back indicating a slightly higher risk of Down Syndrome. We met in person with the genetic counselor on Friday morning to fully understand this result. The nuchal translucency measurment, which they take on the back of the neck, helps indicate whether there might be problems such as Down's or a heart defect. Twin B's NT was 1.9 mm and Twin A's was 2.1 mm. Amzaing that a two-tenths of a millimeter difference makes that much of a difference in the risk assessment. Twin B's risk of Down Syndrome was reduced to 1 in 430. Twin A's was only reduced to 1 in 281 and they want it to be 1 in 308 or less. That said, a risk of 1 in 281 is still in the normal range and the genetic counselor said she isn't particularly concerned about this, especially since we did the comprehensive chromosone screening on our embryos with CCRM and everything came back normal. She said there are like 10 additional markers they will look for at our next ultrasound (in 4 weeks) and if there are additional concerns then, we can discuss the possibility of doing amniocentisis.

In addition to the perinatal appointment on Tuesday, we had an OB appointment on Friday (yesterday). I thought we'd get another look at them but was disappointed and confused to learn that all of my ultrasounds here on out will be at the perinatologist's office across the street because the OB's machine can't capture what's needed now. (I began to wonder, why do we need you people? And I actually said something to that effect to the genetic counselor, who works for the perinatalogy office, and she said, "Well, they have to deliver the babies." Aha! So we do need the OB!! But I'm thinking, after three years of appointments in fertility clinics, one of which has a waterfall in the entrance... that would be CCRM.... I'm thinking, "What kind of 21st century obstetrician's office doesn't have a decent ultrasound machine??" Anyway, the OB appointment was almost a non-event. They did a urine sample, had me stand on the scale, got out the fetal heart monitor and listened to both heartbeats, and then we talked with the doctor for a few minutes. We cleared our vacation dates with him, I updated him on my plans at work to cut back hours after Labor Day, we discussed the bleeding episode (I'm still spotting some brown gunk but no one seems concerned), and we discussed the results from Tuesday, which he had just received, which he also was unconcerned about. I don't mean to sound critical of this doctor. He seems great and comes very highly recommended. It's just odd to put my care in the hands of someone who refers patients out of his for all ultrasounds. I don't get that. But maybe I've been in IF world for too long and that's the way it is. I know for "normal" pregnancies, women don't get many ultrasounds, anyway, so maybe that's it. It's still odd after having so, so many scans (I should have counted). I didn't know the procedure was so specialized!

Okay, noon is going to be here before I know it and I'm still sitting on my bed in my pajamas. I have got to get up and get away from the computer. I may go to a few consignment shops that sell maternity clothes today because I'm staring to "spread."

Oh, also! We're going to tell people now that we made it through our two doctor's appointments this week. Tomorrow should be interesting at church and next week, I can't wait to tell some of my colleagues at work. Have a good weekend, everyone!

Challenging weekend

Friday night, I had some bleeding -- a pregnancy first. Of course I panicked, but after talking to the midwife on call at my OB's office both Friday night and Saturday morning, I was reassured. It was mainly one episode Friday night around 11 p.m. and then just a few drops of blood at about 3 a.m. Saturday. Since then, it has all been brown, which the midwife said is good because that's old blood. We couldn't identify anything I've done that might have caused this but it isn't uncommon, so I'm not going to worry too much about it. We have another ultrasound Tuesday morning, so I hope to be reassured for sure then. I had to go to a meeting yesterday until mid-afternoon, but after that, I camped out on the couch. Today I went to church and then a baby shower (which lasted forever) but I returned to the couch when I got home around 6 p.m. I am thankful this episode was brief, but that doesn't make it less frightening. I immediately started thinking about the possibility of going back to that very familiar uncertain feeling that has permeated my infertility experience -- the question of what my life is going to be like. Fingers crossed that all is truly well. Will let you know Tuesday.

My best friend's dad died today. He had been ill and we had hoped he was on the mend, but his condition deteriorated rapidly last Wednesday or Thursday. I'm so sad for her, her mom, her four siblings, and all of his grandchildren (especially my godchildren). I knew him as a kind and hardworking man who loved his family. I know they weren't ready for him to go and he will be dearly missed. I haven't seen him much in recent years but my sense is that he loved being a grandfather. Those kids are going to miss that. And so is my friend. (I'm so sorry, S. I wish I could be there for you this week.) My mom has offered to go to the memorial service to represent our family and I hope she can go. My going is unfortunately out of the question because it's out of state and I'm still grounded, travel-wise. Especially after the bleeding episode from Friday. I hate this because S. was there for me when my dad died and it meant so much.

My shortest post ever

This is going to be my shortest post ever, but it is a significant thing . . .

The past two days I have begun to feel like a normal person again! I actually ate some chicken for lunch today . . . yes, chicken! My first in at least a month. I think that I'm about to turn the corner on the nausea and food aversions. And my energy level is improving, too.

I am so excited!!

Graduation!

This post originally included information as follow up to a post that has been removed. Can we say TMI?? Following is the edited version.

I GRADUATED yesterday!! I went to the Atlanta clinic for my final blood draw (pending positive results) and CCRM called mid afternoon with the good news. My E2 shot up to 2,482 (from 1,671 on Monday!) after discontinuing the last patch on Tuesday. The E2 had been really creeping up by only like 20 points every week for a few weeks. I wonder what happened this week to get this increase. My P4 is still, as it has always been, "greater than 45." I don't know why the Atlanta clinic doesn't record the exact number when it is that high, but that's how they do it. If it has always been so high, I'm not sure all of those suppositories and injections were necessary, but who am I to second-guess the docs?

*****

Today I am 11 weeks. Two more weeks left in the first trimester! Then we can announce our good news to the world. A lot of people already know -- and more will know this weekend because I gave my giddy mother the green light to tell at a family reunion that starts today. I just keep telling her, "No congratulatory Facebook postings!" I don't want to be outed that way.

I am still feeling gross a good bit of the time but I am also feeling very grateful that the past month is over. Between DH's birthday party and his whole family being here, followed by my goddaughter's visit, followed by my mom's stay while DH was out of the country, followed by my brother and SIL visiting last weekend, I am so, so happy that I have absolutely nothing to do and no one to entertain or feed today except myself. (All of those were very wonderful things and I wouldn't change it for a minute, but they happened so close together and it was exhausting at moments!) DH is out on a long bike ride with friends and this is the first time I've had significant time alone at home in a while. Ahh, sweet silence!

I'm back and still puny

I haven't had any time on anyone's blogs for the past 10 days or so... My mom came to stay with me while DH was out of town. He got home last night and she left this morning. I am so, so grateful that my mom did this for me. She is a retired nurse so she knows how to anticipate a person's needs when they are feeling puny, which I still am.

I can't say that we did much other than go to work each day, but these days that is an accomplishment for me! (Mom volunteers at the nonprofit where I work, so she came with me to work.) My brother and SIL came to visit on Friday (I took the day off) and stayed until Sunday morning. My SIL's birthday is tomorrow so we had a small party Saturday night. They cooked, thankfully, because I'm not so much into cooking even when I like food. And late Saturday night, I had a pregnancy first -- not exciting at all, but notable. I had a few bites of some fish and immediately said, "I can't do this." It was all I could do to swallow the second bite. For the next several hours, my stomach felt unsettled. And later, yep, it came back up. It was kind of a relief, in an odd way. I've felt so nauseous at times, I've said to my body, "I dare you to throw up!" Well, I did. And it was nice to feel better afterwards. It was just a single incident, so it was no doubt completely related to that fish. Ick.

Unfortunately, that experience put me back a few steps in my slight progress toward developing an appetite again. Yesterday I was extra-cautious about what I ate, didn't eat enough, didn't have enough energy, etc., etc. Today, I actually called in sick at work. I didn't sleep well at all and knew it was going to be a bad day if I tried to go to work. So I cut myself some slack and stayed home.

Today I am 10w2d, so I'm hoping I'm in the home stretch of this. I went to the Atlanta clinic for my weekly E2 and P4 blood draw. When CCRM called with results, they surprised me. I go back Friday (not the usual Monday) for one more check of both and if all is well, I'm done! I am already down to one Vivelle patch and I did my last PIO shot last Friday. I take that last patch off tomorrow and then I'm done (provided that the numbers look good on Friday)! This is like graduating from the infertility academy!

What a week!

This week has been my least active week on this blog (and other peoples' blogs) since January. We've pretty much had company at our house for a week now, and my mom just arrived last night for the next 10 days. DH has gone with kids from church on a spiritual pilgrimage in the UK. He left last night and when I dropped him off at the train station to go to the airport, I burst into tears. Surprised myself! Before he left I asked him to get some more life insurance because if, God Forbid, anything happened, the existing policy would pretty much leave me in a bind now that we are expecting twins. I was grateful that he heard my plea and made it happen before he left town.

So, a quick recap of the last week. His family arrived last Saturday to celebrate DH's birthday. The big party was Sunday, and even though it rained and I had to move everything inside (it was supposed to be a backyard party), it all worked out great. It did stop raining enough for the four kids who were here to swim in the pool and for people to ooh and ahh about our new backyard. DH had a really great time and felt very loved, which was my mission with the whole thing. Success!

We told his family our news as soon as they arrived on Saturday and there were many hugs, some tears, and lots of questions I wasn't expecting. But it was fine. We ended up explaining everything to them all (IVF, Denver, frozen embryos still there, etc.). They only stayed until Monday at about 6 p.m. I was sad to see them go but was sooo exhausted on Monday, I needed a night to recuperate.

Tuesday, the camp for kids at my work started and my goddaughter was a volunteer. She has done this for three years now and always stays with us. I drive her in to camp when I go to work every day. This has become a special tradition and great concentrated time for us to spend together. More than any other child in the world, she has been my inspiration to become a mother and during the past two years, was a reminder of why we were persevering through the IF treatments. She is 11 now. This year, I think she was probably wondering what in the world had happened to me because I was sooo tired. Last year, we went on long walks in the evening around the neighborhood and swam in the pool every night. This year, I would come home and collapse on the couch at the end of the day. We finally told her Thursday night and she understood. It was so sweet to see her reaction. She got this big smile on her face and said, "That's awesome!" and then she said, "I think I might cry!" I said, "Now you know why I'm no fun anymore -- I haven't been feeling well." I think she was relieved to figure that one out. It was a special moment. She is going to be the perfect babysitting age. Too bad they don't live around the corner from us like they did when she was a baby.

Thursday, I had my first OB appointment. I really liked the new doctor (Ayres with Georgia OB/GYN, if any Atlanta readers are wondering). He came highly recommended by two good friends. I can say more about that later, but for now, I'll say the ultrasound looked good. The heartbeats were like 167 and 182 and he showed us tiny arms and legs. They look like limbless snowmen to me, but I could sort of see what he was showing us. They were measuring 8w5d, right on target.

I will probably be largely absent from the blogosphere this week, too, unless I can steal some time away from my mom in the evenings. She will probably hover a bit, but the way I've been feeling, I probably won't mind too much.

Have a great weekend, everyone!