Nauseous and Nervous

Tomorrow is our ultrasound! We will be 6w5d. I am nervous now that the day is upon us. I haven't had much time to emotionally prepare for it because I've been so nauseated and quite determined to find a way to manage it. I haven't even been anxiously counting the days until the ultrasound because just getting through one day is a major accomplishment right now. I read something yesterday about the importance of stellar nutrition during the first trimester and it launched me into action. Today I forced myself to eat a bagel, a small yogurt, some nuts, part of an apple, a few bites of a fruity granola dessert, about six cheezits, a bowl of chicken noodle soup made with egg noodles, and a small portion of ice cream. That's the most I've eaten in one day in quite a few days. And I wouldn't exactly call that stellar. But I think eating more helped keep the nausea at bay, to some degree. I hope my little embryos are still growing in there. I guess I'll know a lot more tomorrow afternoon.

The appointment is at 3:15 with our Atlanta RE. I haven't seen or spoken to her since last November after I got back from the one-day workup at CCRM and she was exhibiting a bit of professional jealousy. That particular day, we talked on the phone, and she actually told me it was a business decision that they don't do labs or monitoring for out of state patients. She said it was an inconvenience for the staff. By the end of the conversation, she had offered to "go to bat for me" with her colleagues at the practice. (She is one of the founding doctors of this practice... She can do whatever she wants. I knew this.) But I played along and following our phone conversation, I sent a very passive agressive email saying it is a lot more than business to me and for them to refer me to CCRM and then not continue to monitor me was contrary to the wonderful care they'd provided me during the previous 15 months. I also thanked her profusely for going to bat for me. About a week later, my nurse emailed and said they would do the monitoring. When I scheduled my first monitoring appointment, the scheduler acted like it was no big deal at all, so I casually asked, "So do you all do this pretty regularly for patients going to out of state clinics?" She said yes.

I was pretty hurt by this whole thing. I felt like my doc had kicked me in the stomach the day she said they wouldn't do the monitoring. She actually made me cry. She is the warmest, most friendly doctor I've ever had. She has amazing bedside manner. But she's human and I guess she got jealous.

I could have scheduled this appointment tomorrow with another doctor in the practice but I asked for her because I'd like to "feel the love" for her again. I don't want that kick-me-in-the-stomach phone call to be my lasting impression of her. She did pretty much talk me in to going to CCRM and giving them a chance, after all. So I'm turning the other cheek.

Obviously, my nervousness tomorrow isn't just about the ultrasound. I hope she acts like a grown up! I'll let you know. More importantly, I'll let you know the status of numbers 1 and 17. This seems surreal!

Before the good news came

So the news that we actually have five genetically normal embryos is beginning to sink in - sort of. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but it's not like I'm actually pregnant yet. However, our chances are significantly better than they've ever been. And yes, Pie, that feels great! (And a little bit surreal, to tell you the truth.)

Each time we've gotten good news since going to CCRM, as it begins to sink in, DH and I will share a moment where he usually says, "And I can't believe we were ready to give up." And we ponder together for a few moments about our doc in Atlanta and we wonder out loud what she was thinking telling us to adopt or consider egg donation. Thank goodness she could tell we weren't ready to go there and she suggested we talk to Dr. Babycraft.

I have mixed feelings about the clinic in Atlanta. I love the people there; they're all very personable and professional (much, much more so than the people at the first Atlanta clinic I tried -- readers in Georgia, email me if you want the skinny with clinic names and all). But they just couldn't get the job done. And the thing is, with CCRM, things have been nothing but a string of successes. Makes us wonder how much time and money we wasted in Atlanta. If only we had known!

When we first considered the idea of going to Denver -- when our doc here recommended the possibility -- she actually said only people who have money growing on trees go out of town for treatment. Really? Truth be told, if you're already paying for all of this, the cost of airfare, hotel and food just isn't much more. And if we had gone to Denver FIRST, before paying out of pocket for 5 IUIs and participating in the Attain program to pay for IVF and buying all of those medications, we would have saved tons of money, enough to start a really good college fund. So, if you're trying to figure out what to do, Dear Readers, my advice would be to consider another clinic out of town sooner rather than later if things aren't working at home. I would venture to say that the biggest consideration for many people might be the time away from work. If I hadn't been in my job for more than 7 years and saved up more than 400 hours of sick leave, being out for a week and a half would have been a difficult thing.

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Over dinner last night I confessed to my husband how down I've been (deep down on the inside) the past few weeks. He was kind of surprised when I shared about some moments where I felt so heavy inside, like everything in the world is completely screwed up. "Everything" ranges:

• from the U.S. Congress, unable to create passable healthcare legislation
• to the economy that's causing universities and so many vital government-funded programs to slash budgets and eliminate critical services that make a huge difference in so many lives
• to my husband's totally insane client who hasn't paid him and is oblivious to the fact that she has made him question his career choice and has jeopardized his reputation because he's chosen to represent her
• to women who commit to do 50 hours of volunteer service before May at a local children's hospital but to date have 0 hours, seem unconcerned about it, and probably think I'm going to lie about it for them (not)
• to so, so many couples who want to have children and would be great parents but just can't seem to get there, or in getting there, go through so much heartache

Wow, what a depressing post this is! That is not my intent. I am just getting some recent thoughts out so I can hopefully find a more positive attitude. I can't attribute the dark thoughts and feelings to simply waiting for test results. It's just waiting in general. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm tired of waiting to find out what my life will be like going forward. I have lots of mixed feelings about my job but there's nothing I can do until I sort out the parenthood question. This makes me feel stuck in a big way. And I guess when I feel stuck, I have a tendency to get really pessimistic on the inside.

DH said -- after I gave some examples for why everything in the world is so screwed up and why this depresses me -- "Is this why you've been so crabby lately?" He said this with a chuckle. I thought he was joking but I said, "I have?" and he laughed out loud and assured me that I had not.

I am relieved that thanks to the news we got yesterday, we're now beginning a new chapter in this story. I'm closer to a resolution. And right here and now, in the presence of all the blogosphere, I'm recommitting to my regimen: walking, water, no caffeine, and electro-acupuncture. And in the process, I'll hopefully shake the stuck feeling (and the pessimistic thoughts) as I move forward. I'm off to the treadmill!