Before the good news came

So the news that we actually have five genetically normal embryos is beginning to sink in - sort of. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but it's not like I'm actually pregnant yet. However, our chances are significantly better than they've ever been. And yes, Pie, that feels great! (And a little bit surreal, to tell you the truth.)

Each time we've gotten good news since going to CCRM, as it begins to sink in, DH and I will share a moment where he usually says, "And I can't believe we were ready to give up." And we ponder together for a few moments about our doc in Atlanta and we wonder out loud what she was thinking telling us to adopt or consider egg donation. Thank goodness she could tell we weren't ready to go there and she suggested we talk to Dr. Babycraft.

I have mixed feelings about the clinic in Atlanta. I love the people there; they're all very personable and professional (much, much more so than the people at the first Atlanta clinic I tried -- readers in Georgia, email me if you want the skinny with clinic names and all). But they just couldn't get the job done. And the thing is, with CCRM, things have been nothing but a string of successes. Makes us wonder how much time and money we wasted in Atlanta. If only we had known!

When we first considered the idea of going to Denver -- when our doc here recommended the possibility -- she actually said only people who have money growing on trees go out of town for treatment. Really? Truth be told, if you're already paying for all of this, the cost of airfare, hotel and food just isn't much more. And if we had gone to Denver FIRST, before paying out of pocket for 5 IUIs and participating in the Attain program to pay for IVF and buying all of those medications, we would have saved tons of money, enough to start a really good college fund. So, if you're trying to figure out what to do, Dear Readers, my advice would be to consider another clinic out of town sooner rather than later if things aren't working at home. I would venture to say that the biggest consideration for many people might be the time away from work. If I hadn't been in my job for more than 7 years and saved up more than 400 hours of sick leave, being out for a week and a half would have been a difficult thing.

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Over dinner last night I confessed to my husband how down I've been (deep down on the inside) the past few weeks. He was kind of surprised when I shared about some moments where I felt so heavy inside, like everything in the world is completely screwed up. "Everything" ranges:

• from the U.S. Congress, unable to create passable healthcare legislation
• to the economy that's causing universities and so many vital government-funded programs to slash budgets and eliminate critical services that make a huge difference in so many lives
• to my husband's totally insane client who hasn't paid him and is oblivious to the fact that she has made him question his career choice and has jeopardized his reputation because he's chosen to represent her
• to women who commit to do 50 hours of volunteer service before May at a local children's hospital but to date have 0 hours, seem unconcerned about it, and probably think I'm going to lie about it for them (not)
• to so, so many couples who want to have children and would be great parents but just can't seem to get there, or in getting there, go through so much heartache

Wow, what a depressing post this is! That is not my intent. I am just getting some recent thoughts out so I can hopefully find a more positive attitude. I can't attribute the dark thoughts and feelings to simply waiting for test results. It's just waiting in general. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm tired of waiting to find out what my life will be like going forward. I have lots of mixed feelings about my job but there's nothing I can do until I sort out the parenthood question. This makes me feel stuck in a big way. And I guess when I feel stuck, I have a tendency to get really pessimistic on the inside.

DH said -- after I gave some examples for why everything in the world is so screwed up and why this depresses me -- "Is this why you've been so crabby lately?" He said this with a chuckle. I thought he was joking but I said, "I have?" and he laughed out loud and assured me that I had not.

I am relieved that thanks to the news we got yesterday, we're now beginning a new chapter in this story. I'm closer to a resolution. And right here and now, in the presence of all the blogosphere, I'm recommitting to my regimen: walking, water, no caffeine, and electro-acupuncture. And in the process, I'll hopefully shake the stuck feeling (and the pessimistic thoughts) as I move forward. I'm off to the treadmill!

Lunchtime thoughts

What follows is a really long post, most of which I composed today at work over lunch. I finished it up tonight. It may seem disjointed, but what can I say?

*****

The snow has melted and all is back to normal in the ATL.

I am feeling a bit melancholy today -- okay, more than a bit melancholy or I wouldn’t be writing about it on my lunch hour -- but I’m not sure exactly why. It really started over the weekend. When I have a problem, I want to fix it -- so I hate feeling this way. “This way” being down without the ability to pinpoint the source of the feelings (and thus the ability to fix it, and fast).

Feeling melancholy -- even depressed -- is not an unfamiliar feeling, but it is one that hasn’t been present much in the past several years. Five years ago? That’s a different story. I was a total mess. Recently divorced, stuck in a relationship I had no business in (and afraid to get out), and grieving the sudden loss of my dad. It took hours and hours and hours of therapy and some wonderful friends and family members to get me through that.

Just thinking about those days in 2005 makes me think, “Everything’s fine!” because by comparison, it is -- without a doubt!

Last night I told DH that I’m feeling some post-retrieval depression. That could be the source of my feelings. The excitement of a new cycle has passed. To this point, all has worked beautifully, but I won’t know for sure for four or five weeks when we get the genetic test results on our six embryos. I think I’m feeling some impatience and some frustration at the fact that I still don’t know what my life is going to be like.

This very much ties in with my feelings about my job. I’ve been in the same job for more than seven years now and while I love what I do, I believe deeply in my organization’s mission (I work for a nonprofit), and it continues to offer opportunities for growth, I would be dishonest if I didn’t say I probably would have moved on if I didn’t have like 12 weeks of sick leave (maternity leave) built up. If I leave, I lose it. If I find a job at another nonprofit, it’s probably not going to have paid maternity leave as a benefit. So some days I feel stuck. It stinks because sometimes it causes me to  lose perspective on why I want to have a baby. Not that I would necessarily quit my job if I had a baby. I actually plan to stay and enjoy the fact that I know my job and my organization well, which would make the transition into motherhood a little bit easier, without the pressure of learning a new job and juggling the myriad feelings of being a new mom with a career she’s passionate about. I'm pretty sure I will seek out that next opportunity if we end up childless. (I actually have a Plan B that involves a new job, another degree, an impractical car with only two doors, but that’s for another post.)

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In other depressing news, I learned that another woman at church is pregnant. I was thinking yesterday afternoon how odd it is that someone’s good news has the potential to create such a problem for me. Why should her happiness and good fortune have any bearing on how I feel about my own life? Why should the fact that she is pregnant NOW make me feel like I need to be pregnant just as soon as possible so I can be happy for her? Why can’t I just be happy for her now? And truly, when I put it that way, I am. I certainly wouldn’t wish IF on her. If this is what she and her husband want, then that’s great. And I mean, of course that’s what they want. That’s what just about every reasonably responsible adult wants, isn’t it? That’s the way the universe works. That’s what people do. They meet, fall in love, commit to each other, and naturally want to start their own family.

Why can’t it work that way for me?

Asking why is something I haven’t spent a lot of time on, because I don’t expect to ever find an answer. My IF is unexplained, except for the fact that I’m 39 now. There’s my explanation.

I’ve actually spent lots of time asking why my dad, who suffered a brain injury in 1996 (14 years ago tomorrow, as a matter of fact) and never walked or talked again, didn’t improve much cognitively, functionally, emotionally, you name it -- despite having great medical care, good physical therapists, and the best full-time nurse in the world (my mom). I’ve also spent time wondering why he didn’t die in the car accident. He certainly would not have suffered like he did. His injury robbed him of his career, his hobbies, his plans for retirement, his ability to bathe and feed himself, his ability to communicate, his sex life…. And pretty much left him with a nightmare of a life. But what he did have was a wife and two children and extended family members and friends who were absolutely devastated by his losses. People who stayed by his side to love and encourage him -- the new him.

When he died in 2005, I grieved the loss of the dad I had for 25 years and the dad I had come to know for the last nine years of his life. At first, I wanted him back either way I could get him -- it didn’t matter if he could only communicate by giving me a thumbs up or thumbs down to my yes/no questions, it didn’t matter if he had no quality of life -- but eventually, I accepted that he was finally at peace and I had to let him go. It has taken me five years to be “okay” with his absence. This past holiday season was the first one since his death when I thought, “Okay, I can do this. It’s going to be okay.”

I think if I’m going to ask why, I should think about my dad some more. Or think about the senseless loss of the Olympian from Georgia, who immediately lost everything while doing what he loved. Or I should think about Haiti or Huntsville, Afghanistan and Iraq.

The world is so full of why.

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Writing this immediately made me feel better this afternoon. Not that I ended on a cheerful note. But it was just the therapeutic act of writing, of getting it all out, of acknowledging my sad, impatient feelings and voicing my questions. It made it all bearable and took away much of my melancholy feeling. It’s still there, but I stopped feeling it with such intensity.

And then, I got home tonight and checked the blogs that I follow and saw that AmyG gave me an award! That’s so cool! Thank you very much, AmyG. This means I now have an assignment, but it will have to be completed later this week. It's late!