Sunday, February 28, 2010

Still Waiting

The past week was one of the most difficult weeks I've had in a while. On the one hand, it was a good distraction from the wait, but on the other hand, it was exhausting. It was all work drama. I have an irrational fear that someone from work (or someone in my city of more than 5 million people) will figure out who I am, so I won't give details. Suffice it to say that the week included lots of closed-door meetings, a controversial announcement about a reorganization, and a cancer diagnosis for a dear friend at work. Scary.

This weekend, I decided to mostly do just what I wanted to do, which involved not one but two long naps, three Oscar-nominated movies, and lots of Olympic-watching.

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow (Monday) but I'm sure everything will be okay eventually.

I am thinking that we might hear something about our embryos this week. I still feel afraid about the results. Having never had a frozen transfer, this "intermission" between the retrieval and transfer is a strange new experience. I don't like it. I feel like I'm just suspended between hope and the fear of reality. And I've lost my motivation to follow the regimen given by the acupuncturist in Denver: at least 64 oz. of water daily, 30 minutes of walking daily (walking, not running), absolutely no caffeine of any kind, and electro-acupuncture. I think if I get good news, that will get me back into the swing of things. And if we get bad news, I plan to get seriously caffeinated and run like the wind. It's good to have a plan B. However, deep down I don't think I'll need it. Time will tell.

Fingers crossed!

Monday, February 22, 2010

The ride continues

Emotion of the moment:  fear. I don't know why, but I'm feeling scared that none of our embryos will be normal. It hit me yesterday that that really could be the case. I'm hoping for at least two of the six to be normal, but it very well could be that none of my 39-year-old eggs can make good embryos.

I just got a call on my cell phone from area code 303 and thought, "It's the lab." My heart froze because I'm not sure I'm ready to hear the truth of the matter. It actually was our hotel. I accidentally left my Blackberry cord behind and they are trying to return it to me.

I am so ready for a conclusion to this journey. If none of the embryos are normal, I think we then move toward adoption. But DH will be 50 in a matter of months. Is adoption even a possibility? And how long could that take?

So. Fear. And my old friend, impatience. That's what I've got going on today.

Friday, February 19, 2010

I'd like to thank the Academy . . .

AmyG at When you gotta glow gave me an award earlier this week -- a first for me! Thank you, AmyG. You have been such an encouragement to me. I am still pretty new at what I will call "interactive blogging," and you've helped me get out there and connect with people.

Blogging has helped me deal with circumstances in better ways. For example, the other night, DH and I went to dinner and a basketball game with some friends. I love these friends, especially the wife, and seeing them is always a treat because we don't seem them very often. We always laugh a lot with this couple. During the past year and a half, the four of us have bonded over IF issues and they have both been very in tune with our IVF attempts. So over dinner, after asking all kinds of questions about our time in Denver -- and our declaration that if they want to try another IVF cycle, they should consider going out there -- here's what happened:

Him: We've got something to tell you.

Me: You're pregnant.

Him: Yes.

Me: Congratulations!

Him: Oh come on!  F*ck you! I know that's what you want to say.

Me: No, it's not. I'm happy for you guys!

Him (laughing): Go ahead. Curse at me. Do it!!

Me: No. That's really not how I feel. I've been working on this. I've actually been blogging and wrote something about being happy for people the other day. I really, really am happy for you.

And I was being genuine. Without this blog and the community of bloggers I've met here, I might not have been able to respond that way. We talked and talked about their pregnancy and our hopes for success and I even made a great discovery:  if I get pregnant, I can borrow her maternity clothes!  : )

Back to the award. It comes with rules:

1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs

So 7 things about me:
1. I have a black cat named Lucky. She is Lucky because I adopted her from a shelter.
2. There's a legend in my family that my grandfather eight generations back was an Indian chief who disowned his son because he married a white woman (my grandparents seven generations back). My mom's family is obsessed wih trying to substantiate this story.
3. DH and I have been married for two years, four months, and five days. We are so, so happy together.
4. In my 20s, I briefly went to nursing school and also completed about 35 hours toward a Masters of Divinity degree. Just couldn't figure out what to do with my life!
5. Until 2006, I had not travelled outside the U.S. beyond a brief excursion across the border to Mexico and a trip to Montreal and Quebec. Since 2006, I have been to England, Scotland, Costa Rica, Finland, Estonia, Sweden, France, Ireland, and Italy.
6. I can bake an awesome chocolate chess pie using my maternal grandmother's recipe. When I had to give up all caffeine (including chocolate) last November, I learned to bake a pecan pie using my paternal grandmother's recipe. It is awesome, too, if I may say so myself!
7. I love to read, especially during the summer months. One of my all-time favorite books is The Brothers K by David James Duncan.

Seven bloggers to nominate:
I am going to fail here. I am still so new to the blogosphere, I haven't even been follwing seven blogs. But here are a few, in addition to AmyG's When you gotta glow:

1. Pie at Slice of Pie, who is about a week or two ahead of me in all of this and one of my new friends in the blogosphere
2. Arminta at Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity who just finished her first trimester and has the most adorable two-inch-long baby
3. Lynn at Wistful Girl, the only other Georgian I've encountered on here
4. Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish, who provided early encouragement for me to get engaged in the blogosphere, with her list of CCRM bloggers and her great CCRM stories

I've also been reading Mel's Stirrup Queens, but nominating her for this award would be like saying that perhaps Katharine Hepburn or Meryl Streep should be nominated for an Oscar. I'm sure she's already been awarded every award there is. I love reading her blog.

So that's about it. I'm really grateful for this community of courageous, hopeful and kind women.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Show and Tell: Grow Here

Show and Tell

This is my first Show and Tell. Click on the chalkboard above to go to the archives and learn more about this project, which Mel has been coordinating for at least 92 weeks now.

Click here to visit Mel's Show and Tell post for this week, which includes links to what other bloggers are sharing.

I want to share a photo I took earlier this month in Colorado. "Grow Here" is a marketing message for a new live-work-play real estate development that's coming up all around the medical center next door to CCRM.

"Grow Here" banners welcome you into the development, most of which is still undeveloped, along a parkway that leads to CCRM. Day after day, as I passed the banners on my way to the clinic, I received "Grow Here" as a positive message of encouragement just for me and the other patients of CCRM. At first I received it as an imperative statement: "Grow Here, follicles!" And I would literally tell them that -- out loud, along with a gentle pat on my midsection -- in the car when we were approaching CCRM. After the egg retrieval, Grow Here became reassuring, as if the banners were telling me, "Yes, you have come to the right place for growth. Your embryos will Grow Here." Even now, 1,200 miles away in Atlanta, I like that fact that those banners are lining the road to where my embryos are stored.

Someone could probably stake one of those banners in my front yard now, because I think the excruciating wait for the genetic test results is going to make me grow a little bit, too . . .

Monday, February 15, 2010

Lunchtime thoughts

What follows is a really long post, most of which I composed today at work over lunch. I finished it up tonight. It may seem disjointed, but what can I say?


The snow has melted and all is back to normal in the ATL.

I am feeling a bit melancholy today -- okay, more than a bit melancholy or I wouldn’t be writing about it on my lunch hour -- but I’m not sure exactly why. It really started over the weekend. When I have a problem, I want to fix it -- so I hate feeling this way. “This way” being down without the ability to pinpoint the source of the feelings (and thus the ability to fix it, and fast).

Feeling melancholy -- even depressed -- is not an unfamiliar feeling, but it is one that hasn’t been present much in the past several years. Five years ago? That’s a different story. I was a total mess. Recently divorced, stuck in a relationship I had no business in (and afraid to get out), and grieving the sudden loss of my dad. It took hours and hours and hours of therapy and some wonderful friends and family members to get me through that.

Just thinking about those days in 2005 makes me think, “Everything’s fine!” because by comparison, it is -- without a doubt!

Last night I told DH that I’m feeling some post-retrieval depression. That could be the source of my feelings. The excitement of a new cycle has passed. To this point, all has worked beautifully, but I won’t know for sure for four or five weeks when we get the genetic test results on our six embryos. I think I’m feeling some impatience and some frustration at the fact that I still don’t know what my life is going to be like.

This very much ties in with my feelings about my job. I’ve been in the same job for more than seven years now and while I love what I do, I believe deeply in my organization’s mission (I work for a nonprofit), and it continues to offer opportunities for growth, I would be dishonest if I didn’t say I probably would have moved on if I didn’t have like 12 weeks of sick leave (maternity leave) built up. If I leave, I lose it. If I find a job at another nonprofit, it’s probably not going to have paid maternity leave as a benefit. So some days I feel stuck. It stinks because sometimes it causes me to  lose perspective on why I want to have a baby. Not that I would necessarily quit my job if I had a baby. I actually plan to stay and enjoy the fact that I know my job and my organization well, which would make the transition into motherhood a little bit easier, without the pressure of learning a new job and juggling the myriad feelings of being a new mom with a career she’s passionate about. I'm pretty sure I will seek out that next opportunity if we end up childless. (I actually have a Plan B that involves a new job, another degree, an impractical car with only two doors, but that’s for another post.)

In other depressing news, I learned that another woman at church is pregnant. I was thinking yesterday afternoon how odd it is that someone’s good news has the potential to create such a problem for me. Why should her happiness and good fortune have any bearing on how I feel about my own life? Why should the fact that she is pregnant NOW make me feel like I need to be pregnant just as soon as possible so I can be happy for her? Why can’t I just be happy for her now? And truly, when I put it that way, I am. I certainly wouldn’t wish IF on her. If this is what she and her husband want, then that’s great. And I mean, of course that’s what they want. That’s what just about every reasonably responsible adult wants, isn’t it? That’s the way the universe works. That’s what people do. They meet, fall in love, commit to each other, and naturally want to start their own family.

Why can’t it work that way for me?

Asking why is something I haven’t spent a lot of time on, because I don’t expect to ever find an answer. My IF is unexplained, except for the fact that I’m 39 now. There’s my explanation.

I’ve actually spent lots of time asking why my dad, who suffered a brain injury in 1996 (14 years ago tomorrow, as a matter of fact) and never walked or talked again, didn’t improve much cognitively, functionally, emotionally, you name it -- despite having great medical care, good physical therapists, and the best full-time nurse in the world (my mom). I’ve also spent time wondering why he didn’t die in the car accident. He certainly would not have suffered like he did. His injury robbed him of his career, his hobbies, his plans for retirement, his ability to bathe and feed himself, his ability to communicate, his sex life…. And pretty much left him with a nightmare of a life. But what he did have was a wife and two children and extended family members and friends who were absolutely devastated by his losses. People who stayed by his side to love and encourage him -- the new him.

When he died in 2005, I grieved the loss of the dad I had for 25 years and the dad I had come to know for the last nine years of his life. At first, I wanted him back either way I could get him -- it didn’t matter if he could only communicate by giving me a thumbs up or thumbs down to my yes/no questions, it didn’t matter if he had no quality of life -- but eventually, I accepted that he was finally at peace and I had to let him go. It has taken me five years to be “okay” with his absence. This past holiday season was the first one since his death when I thought, “Okay, I can do this. It’s going to be okay.”

I think if I’m going to ask why, I should think about my dad some more. Or think about the senseless loss of the Olympian from Georgia, who immediately lost everything while doing what he loved. Or I should think about Haiti or Huntsville, Afghanistan and Iraq.

The world is so full of why.


Writing this immediately made me feel better this afternoon. Not that I ended on a cheerful note. But it was just the therapeutic act of writing, of getting it all out, of acknowledging my sad, impatient feelings and voicing my questions. It made it all bearable and took away much of my melancholy feeling. It’s still there, but I stopped feeling it with such intensity.

And then, I got home tonight and checked the blogs that I follow and saw that AmyG gave me an award! That’s so cool! Thank you very much, AmyG. This means I now have an assignment, but it will have to be completed later this week. It's late! 

Friday, February 12, 2010

Southern Snow!

I must confess that I have felt a little jealous of everyone up near D.C. with all of that snow. (Please don't comment and tell me how insane of a statement that is. I get it. Things up there are really a total mess and most everyone is inconvenienced and frustrated.)

I grew up in a place that has mild winters like we do in Atlanta. But I went to school in the Shenandoah Valley and we got lots of snow. I'm sure the Valley is buried in snow just like D.C. is. My freshman year, I remember stealing trays from the dining hall and going sledding for the first time ever. In my hometown, even when we did have snow, we had no hills.

The entire time we were in Denver, we never really saw snow fall. Well, to be completely honest, we saw a little bit fall the night we arrived and the day we left, but it was not a pretty snow and we didn't get to see anything accumulate.

Well! I'm thrilled to report that Atlanta has snow! And it is beautiful! And I got to come home from work early and put on my fleece pullover and cozy pants and take a long nap on the couch. Here's a photo of my front yard.

I just love it! This is the biggest snow Atlanta has seen in a few years, I think.

After my nap, we made a big pot of soup and sat down to watch part of the Olympics opening ceremony. Tomorrow morning, I may have to put on my ski pants and jacket and go for a walk. I'm dying to make a snow angel. If I do, and if it is attractive, and if I can get a good photo of it, I will share it.

Good night!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Six on Day Six

And then there were six.

The lab called today to report that yesterday (day 5) they biopsied and vitrified four of our embryos and then today (day six), there were two more to biopsy and vitrify. When she said "four" my heart sank, but when she told me about the two today, I felt better. I was a little bit disappointed because I was sort of hoping for another astounding report (I imagined perhaps 7 to 10 making it to blast), but when I really thought about what we have achieved, six is wonderful.

Again I asked for the details and she told me the grades: 3AA, 4AB, 5AA, 5AA, and two "two-thirds." Has anyone heard of this "two-thirds" grade? She explained it and then I asked her to explain it again. She said they are early blastocysts and they can almost tell where the intracellular mass (cells that become the baby) will be, but not enough to give them a real grade. However, they are good enough to make it to the next round. The very nice lab lady said that anything higher than a BB is considered a good embryo.

I asked about the ones that didn't make the cut and she said there were two ones, two that looked the way they should look on day four (so they were a few days behind) (there was a name for that but I can't figure out what it was -- I googled it and still couldn't get it -- it started with an M and sounded like oreo), and 3 arrested.

I also asked if she thought this was good overall, considering we started with 17 eggs. She said it is about what they would expect. I was sooo glad she didn't end that statement with "for someone of your age." That was so nice. Does anyone else cringe inside when you sense that phrase coming?

So if this were American Idol, my entire reserve of eggs stood in line for days to audition in front of Simon, Randy and Cara; 17 eggs got the chance to actually sing for them; 14 made it to Hollywood; and now six have made it into the finals.

Too much TV, you think?

Too much time off work! I pretty happily went back today, even if it was a 10-hour day.  (And yes, I was very happy to come home and watch the first AI episode featuring Ellen D.)

So I feel good about where we are. I don't have any anxiety about waiting six weeks for genetic test results and I sincerely told two people today that if zero come back normal, I will not regret doing this. I am so happy that we went to Denver. I feel like we have done everything we could possibly do to conceive a child. If this fails, I think it will be a sign that it is time to move on to another approach to building our family.

I just realized that in the past two paragraphs, I've used the word "happy" (or some variation thereof) three times. Yes, I feel happy. I am happy that our biggest hurdle to IVF success (making eggs and thus, embryos) has been jumped. The only two embryos we made before were below average on day three. Until now, I'd never made a blast and I'm pretty happy that I made six with pretty good grades! I'm happy that the stimulation phase is over and I probably don't ever have to do that again. Our plan, since we don't have insurance for this, was always to try three times and then move on. If it doesn't happen in three attempts, maybe it's not supposed to happen this way.

In addition to happy, I also feel relieved. I have been hopefully anticipating the possibility of pregnancy and parenthood off and on for.... well... almost 17 years. That's a long time to wish for something intermittently and to have almost no indication of whether your hopes will ever come to fruition. I am happy because I know that one way or another, this not knowing about something so important will be over before too much longer. (I was married before, at age 22, for 11 years. We tried off and on with no success during that time. Never sought help for the issue because I wasn't convinced I wanted kids with him. Soooo glad that didn't happen!)

So. Final "happy" count in this post: Eleven

That's a lot of happy. (Twelve!)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day Three

Just got the call from the lab for the Day 3 report.

For starters, the guy said everything looks excellent and that they would call me in a few more days with the final report. And that was all he was going to say!. But I said, "Okay I'm an information girl so I would like to know everything you can tell me about them at this point." He immediately said, "Okay, I'm going to read each embryo's number followed by the number of cells and then the grade. Do you have a pen and paper ready?"

Did I have pen and paper? Of course!

So here goes.

1. 8 cells, grade 4-
3. 8 cells, grade 4-
4. 8 cells, grade 4-
5. 8 cells, grade 4
6. 4 cells, grade 4-
7. 8 cells, grade 4-
9. 8 cells, grade 3+
10. 8 cells, grade 4-
11. 8 cells, grade 4-
12. 8 cells, grade 3
14. 8 cells, grade 4-
15. 10 cells, grade 4-
16. 5 cells, grade 4-
17. 6 cells, grade 4-

At first when he skipped number 2 I thought it was a mistake, but then I figured it out. 2, 8, and 13 were the eggs that didn't fertilize.

He said they rarely give full 4s because that's like perfect. So all the 4 minuses are still great, I think.

He said something about biopsying and vitrifying them on day 5 or 6 and I said something about most of them making it to that point. He said that the 4-, 5-, and 6-celled ones may not make it. If we had all but three make it to blast, that would still be 11!! We may have enough to make two babies out of this. But I won't go there yet. Six Months At  A Time, Susie.

Right now it should be more like Six Hours At A Time. That is more true than you know. At the risk of giving you waaay TMI, I'll say that my follow-up ultrasound this morning resulted in a diagnosis of not hyperstimulation but constipation. Eww. Apparently the anesthesia can do that to you. And so can eating out for 10 days! So in addition to a few over the counter meds to solve my problem, I actually bought some prune juice. It isn't as bad as I thought it was. But I haven't even had a full 5.5 oz can. So I'm waiting for that problem to be solved. The pill bottles say relief could come between 12 and 72 hours. Oh please not 72 hours! I can't wait to feel better because I feel pretty gross. I can't even eat. But I am relieved it is not OHSS -- the sonographer said there's no fluid in my abdomen. Whew!

The embryologist said they will call again in 3 days with the final report. As I wait for "my problem" to resolve itself, today is our last day in Denver. I wish I felt like going somewhere and doing something fun. We may drive to Boulder or go to the Denver Art Museum. If I feel like it.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Fert Report

I don't really know what to do with all of this good news. Seriously, DH and I were talking today about how we just aren't accustomed to having good outcomes from our IF procedures. Diagnostic tests, sure, everything looks fine. But IUIs? IVF cycles? No way. For nearly 3 years, nothing has really gone well with our treatments. Until now.

Believe it or not, 14 of my 17 eggs fertilized! The lab called around 11 am today. She said they were able to ICSI all 17, so I have a question for all of you people out there who are much more knowledgable than I am about all of this -- does this mean that all 17 were mature? She didn't say that and I was so astounded by the fact that 14 fertilzed, I couldn't think to ask her. It is inconsequential now, but I'm curious.

Now we wait for the day 3 call on Saturday. Also on Saturday, we have a follow up ultrasound to check for extra fluid that would indicate I'm hyperstimulating. I've still been drinking lots, trying to ward off OHSS like the plague.

We have thought some about naming our embryos, but can't come up with anything really cool. Last time we went with Eenie and Meenie (Miney and Moe), but I don't want to call the first two Eenie 2 and Meenie 2. That would be weird. I think I will wait to name them until we see how many make it to blasts. I know there will be a good bit of attrition here and that will be easier to take if they don't have names.

It gives me chills to think that there are 14 microscopic combinations of me and DH in the lab just about a mile from here. I wish I could visit them and see them under a microscope!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Unbelievable Retrievals

I'm calling this post "Unbelievable Retrievals" -- yep, plural -- because before I share today's ER report, I will remind you about my unbelievable retrieval from August of last year:  we got just 3 eggs as my Atlanta doc was hoping to improve upon the first cycle when we got 7 eggs. As I was waking up in recovery, I asked my DH repeatedly how many eggs we got. And then I kept saying, "Only three eggs?" I was very, very, very disappointed.

Fast forward to today, when I was hoping for vast improvement but bracing for something similar. Believe it or not, Dr. Surrey retrieved 17 eggs!! Seventeen! I definitely came to the right clinic.

Of course we have a long road ahead, starting with tomorrow's fertilization report. The genetic counselor said the fert rate is usually 65% and of those, 40-50% should make it to the blastocyst stage in 5-6 days. If we could have 11 fertilize, I would be shocked. And if we get 4 or 5 blasts, that would be unbelievable all over again. Even if we have two or three blasts, I'll be pleased.

But this is one reason why we came to Colorado -- the lab. I know without a doubt that my 17 eggs are being given the absolute best opportunity to fertilize and survive.

For now, I will rest and think positive thoughts. DH got Chinese takeout for dinner. My fortune cookie said this:

From your garden of dreams, many things will blossom.

I like that.

I "believe" in fortune cookie fortunes because about five years ago, my DH got one that read: "Your new love is already very near you" as his first marriage was ending. He kept it and guess what? It was right. I was very near him. I'd been sitting near him in church for like 18 months. (But he wouldn't speak to me... Totally maddening because I caught him looking at me all the time.) That fortune is now in a frame on our dresser in our bedroom.

Maybe we can add this one to it someday.

Thanks to all for your good wishes.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Good day before retrieval

Today's been a good day. Lots of down time. Time for checking in at work, doing laundry, and drinking lots and lots of water.

Trigger shot last night went just fine with a nurse for hire who seemed waaay too happy to be showing up at my hotel at 1:30 a.m. It was an IM shot in my bum, which I couldn't do and my DH was afraid to do. The nurse was good. It was much less irritating than the acupuncture I had yesterday.

We had a late lunch and then drove around a bit to find some dirt for my godson. Yep, you read it right. His kindergarten class is trying to collect dirt from all 50 states, so of course I had to get some Colorado dirt for him. S, if you're reading, it will be in the mail tomorrow, I hope! (It's good dirt. Nice and brown, unlike our red Georgia clay.) Ah the things we do for the children we love. And I do love this kid. And his sister, too. : )

After the dirt excursion, CCRM called with results from this morning's blood draw. E2 was up to 7,654 from 5,700-something yesterday. Wow. They gave me cabergoline tablets to take for 8 days starting tonight and 3 ganirelix shots to start tomorrow night. Having never heard of cabergoline, I scanned the patient insert and under precautions - psychiatric, it says, "Pathological gambling, increased libido, and hypersexuality have been reported in patients treated with dopamine antagonists including cabergoline." DH was excited to hear that! Considering that tomorrow I'm going to have 17 follicles aspirated and hopefully 10-17 eggs sucked out of them, I was most interested in the gambling precaution. Another funny thing about these pills? Nurse Ellie said I can take them orally but if they make me nauseous, I can take them vaginally. There's something not quite right about that.

I think we are going see Avatar -- the IMAX 3D version -- in just a bit, so I gotta go.

More later!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Dark Tunnel

So I'm finally ready for the trigger shot! I had some major follicular growth overnight and I think the time has come. My lead was 25 mm today -- that's like 6 mm larger than yesterday. Seem impossible? My nurse said it could be attributed to having a different sonographer today from yesterday. Or maybe the growth hormone injections have a lingering effect!

Trigger is tonight at 1:45 a.m. and retrieval is Wednesday around noon.

My E2 shot up again to like 5,700 so the doc ordered an injection of certrotide. The nurse said it would help make sure I don't hyperstimulate.

We had our regroup with Dr. Babycraft today. If IVF is a roller coaster, meeting with him was like flying through a dark tunnel when you can't see anything and you're screaming your head off. For some reason I felt, well, a little bit terrified in Babycraft's presence. This is an unusual response for me -- with most people, I'm typically pretty composed and articulate, but in our meeting with him I felt like my questions were not well formed and his answers were impossible for me to understand. At one point I felt my emotions getting the best of me and I just wanted to get out of there. I did get a few questions answered but I generally felt like I'd unnecessarily taken up an appointment slot in his busy day.

"Do you think we wasted his time?" I asked my husband as soon as we left. He assured me that no, that wasn't the case. He pointed out that like with many brilliant people, Babycraft doesn't have the best people skills. My doc in Atlanta has the best people skills of any doc I've ever had, but I don't think she's got anything on Babycraft. So bottom line -- I'll take it. I know he's following me very closely and making careful decisions about what to do and when to do it. He doesn't have to be my best friend. He just has to practice his craft.

Although it didn't thrill me, our meeting with Babycraft was a good reality check -- a good reminder that my chances of success are still only like 35%. We also confirmed that no matter how many eggs we get and no matter how many fertilize, we will freeze all. As Babycraft put it, the lining of my uterus and my follicles aren't on the same page right now. My lining thinks I've already ovulated, so a transfer now would not be a good idea. This means another trip to Denver if we have something to work with.

This afternoon I found myself feeling impatient in an old familiar way -- the "I don't care what happens here, I just want this to be over" kind of way. Luckily that feeling didn't last. I tremendously care what happens here, of course. I'm just tired of being away from home and I miss my own bed and kitchen and bathroom and cat and car and and and... I even miss work.

More tomorrow.