Sunday, January 17, 2010

I need this

It's been a rainy three-day weekend so I've allowed myself some time to check out other blogs about infertility. I had no idea there were so many! Everyone seems so interconnected. What a great community. I think I need this. Here's why:

I have a handful of close friends who know what I'm going through and are wonderfully supportive, but I don't talk to them every day or even every week.

I have some friends at work who know about our nearly three-year quest to become parents, but I have regretted confiding in at least one of them. I have cut that person out of the loop of information about all of this because she kept asking me repeatedly for the latest news. It became a problem for me because I am her supervisor. I know she means well, but I just don't want infertility to interfere with work. I have a demanding job and it's actually a great distraction from the stress of infertility (when I get to decide what and when I want to share). I really appreciate those colleagues who know what's going on but they NEVER bring it up first.

Another community that's important to me is my church, but it is honestly the most difficult part of my world when it comes to infertility. Most people there do not know what we're going through. It often doesn't make sense to me to be part of a caring community of people and to deliberately choose to not express the depth of the stress, the jealousy, the hopefulness, the hopelessness, the determination, the confusion, the doubt, the excitement and anticipation, the fear of another disappointment.... I know it's best to not share all of that -- or any of that -- because the church is probably full of quite a few well-meaning but nosy people like my coworker above. But I feel like such a fake.

Today at church I had to plaster a big smile on my face as I heard the latest new mother tell someone, "I counted and I think there have been 7 babies born in our church during the past few years" as people oohed and cooed over her beautiful new baby, which I had never laid eyes on until that moment. The most difficult part is that last May, we were pregnant together. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Our babies were going to be friends. But now, she has this beautiful baby and my little embryos didn't make it. (I don't believe she had any idea how her words stabbed into my heart. She is either sleep-deprived and oblivious or perhaps just slightly insensitive. I must choose to believe this if I'm going to function as a relatively healthy member of our church community.)

There are days when I wonder why I'm putting myself through this again. Today is one of them. I could've easily moved on and chosen adoption. IVF is so much work.

This is why I need this blog. If anyone is reading, please comment so I'll know. If no one comments, I'm going to have to work on figuring out how to make this an interactive experience for me. I want to engage with others in this community.




31 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your blog with me. I can't tell you how much it means to share a little bit in your thoughts and dreams. I am so proud to be your friend.

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  2. I'm here.

    My name is Heather. I just started back cycling. Welcome to the community of bloggers!!

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  3. i remember when i first starting writing a blog over a year ago now. i was shy about entering the ALI community because I thought my struggle hadn't been long enough or painful enough. After 2 failed IUI's, 2 failed IVF's, and an ectopic pregnancy, i am finally pregnant with twins, although there are no guarantees there either. I have found tremendous support from these "strangers" on the internet, and it is always reassuring to read about someone else's struggle that mimics your own. Good Luck. and welcome to the blogosphere :)

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  4. Just found your blog from Mel's post, but I'll definitely be reading! I'm also in Georgia (although way down South!). A blog can be such a great outlet when you don't have that kind of freedom in your day to day life.

    I hope this new IVF cycle works for you!

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  5. Hello. I'm Briarrose (Erin). I found you through Mel. I just wanted to say I will follow your blog and your journey and also I completetly understand how you are feeling. Been there, done that. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Just to let you know, I am expecting (25 weeks) so I understand if you don't comment back. I have been through down a 2-year road of IF and loss to get here.

    ((hugs))

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  6. I just started an ALI blog too, for many of the same reasons. Here's wishing you peace and joy (and SOON)!

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  7. Here via Mel. I found the ALI blogosphere six years into IF and started my own blog soon after, and it's the best thing I ever did for my own well-being. Best of luck to you!

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  8. Found your blog from Mel's post. I found the ALI blogosphere about 4 years ago...unfortunately 3 years after we had been trying for our second child--I wish I had found it sooner. Without it, I don't know how I could have dealt with the anxiety roller-coaster that is infertility. Wishing you luck!

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  9. I'm here! Also found you from Mel's Friday Blog Round-up. I hope you'll find this community as caring, thoughtful and understanding as I have. Welcome!!

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  10. I know how you feel. Three weeks after I lost my twins there were 6 pregnancies announced in a two week time frame. I thought there would be a break after the babies were born, but no. There were 12 pregnant women. It is hard for a while. I am sorry you are going through this. Praying for you.
    Kristen

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  11. I'm here reading. Thanks for sharing this. You definitely are not alone. After going through this for 10 years this community has been my lifeline. After my 4 th loss I thought I was going to go crazy and then I found all of you out here. I was aazed! I had no idea! It is sad that there are so many of us going through this horrible thing but it is so nice to know you are not alone!

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  12. I found the ALI blogosphere by accident, and it was from reading other people's blogs that I mustered the balls to start my own. It has been so incredibly supportive. Often IRL friends and family haven't been where we are and don't know how to be where we need them to be for us, but having this sisterhood really does make it easier for me.

    The more you interact with others, the more interaction you get in return. And, Mel's pretty much a saint organzing the online ALI community the way she does.

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  13. I have become a blog a holic. I need to know women find success or resolution in this process. I need mentors. I'm new to blogging myself. Best of luck to you and I'll be here!

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  14. Here thanks to Mel. You're not alone. I have regrets too about telling people IRL. They just don't get it the way this community does.

    Stick around and we'll stick around too!

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  15. I also have just found you thru Mel's post and am here to say keep writing! Stepping into the blogosphere is amazing. You will find an awesome forum to release your emotions and a community that will embrace you and hold your hand every step of the way!

    Wishing you the best :)

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  16. I'm reading sweetheart. Keep writing and letting it out. A blog is so incredibly therapuetic. I started mine two years ago this February and it's been a life-saver. Good luck to you!
    Oh and people are just oblivious!

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  17. Also found your blog through Mel's site. I too was surprised at how many loss/infertility blogs are out there. It's so nice to find people who "get it", because it's so rare to find that among your "real world" friends. Like you, I tend to keep it quiet anyways because once it's out, you may have serious regrets about it and can't take it back! Best of luck to you!

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  18. I understand totally the emotions that church community bring forth. How can you be close and yet keep such a big part of you secret? I struggled with it too. It damaged my realtionship with the church (not God--He and I are pretty tight ;-)but His people. There is now a wall between them and me. Better luck to you than I had.

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  19. I found you through Stirrup Queens Friday Blog Round-Up. Welcome to the wonderful world of ALI! Wait, that doesn't sound quite right. I joined the blogging world last summer and have been slowly opening up. None of my friends or my DH read my blog. Maybe I should invite them to read it but I got burned by one of them during the infertility trip and am slowly trying to let her back in. She falls into the "well-meaning,but doesn't think before speaking" category. Oh, and she's totally fertile of course.

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  20. I am a newbie blogger myself. I am here reading you. I know how much it hurts to see babies. There is a newborn in my 6-flat apartment bldg and I feel physical pain in my heart every time I see him. His stroller sits in the tiny lobby of our building, so I see that at least 2x/day. Are you kidding, can a stroller really bring tears to my eyes? Yep, it can. So I can only imagine how tough it is at church.

    I have confided in one friend, and I wish I hadn't. I have not and WILL not open at work...it would be a mess. That's why I'm so grateful for blogging. Welcome, and I will be following along!

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  21. I'm here, I'm reading now! I found you thru the wonderful Mel at Stirrup Queens, but your story sound sa lot like mine, and funny enough, about 6 months behind where I am now! I'm in CO right now, having my 4th stim cycle (2nd with CCRM) with ER tomorrow with Dr. Sch!

    I'll be sure to follow along with you over your upcoming cycle, I wish you all the best. And if you are looking for more CCRM ladies and support, or need advice on hotels, travel, or all else CO, check out the IVF Connections bulletin board for Colorado. It is almost exclusively used by very very wise CCRM ladies. Its been a great resource for me.

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  22. I’m a blog-stalker. I’m too much of a weenie to start my own. I laugh and cry through the words of others at the moment. I feel like a freshman in the high school of IF. I’ve only had two failed IUI’s and waiting for this weekend to see if the third one failed, err... I mean, worked. We can’t afford IVF or adoption so we are pretty much in the shitter. Perhaps a lottery miracle will come our way. It’s not fair that a piece of paper composed of 25% linen and 75% cotton (aka money) can change one’s future, hopes and dreams. You are lucky to have so many resources.

    I’m on so many fertility drugs that I don’t know what is real anymore. I’m usually positive Patsy and the go-to-girl for all my emotionally starved friends. But here I sit, alone, stalking strangers for support.

    Thank you for being so brave and opening up to the world. As you can see from all the posts, you are not alone. You are making a difference. Good luck to you and blowing gobs of baby dust your way.

    Lahelee

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  23. Here via Stirrup Queens.
    I don't have a blog, but there are tons of "us" out there and, here, in your computer.
    I'm sorry about your churchlady incident. People are oblivious.

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  24. Here from Mel's post. I'm glad that you've found our community; I've found it to be a great comfort to me during our struggles. Looking forward to following your journey.

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  25. Here from the roundup, just saying hi to let you know you're not alone.

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  26. Here from Stirrup Queens Friday round-up.

    I am glad you've found a place in the community, and I hope that with time you can nestle down and make it a comfortable home. Our paths are never easy, but at least we have each other. You are not alone, best wishes and fond thoughts.

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  27. Here from the Friday Round-up. I have to say that the ALI community and my online friends saved my sanity when we were fighting infertility.

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  28. I'm here from the round-up too. There are lots of us as you can see! I started blogging in the ALI community in March 2007 - almost 3 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. But I'm so glad I turned to blogging. Not only has it been a great outlet for me personally, but I've found a lot of wonderful support along the way when I needed it most. I'm wishing the best for you on your continued journey!

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  29. I'm here from Mel's blog too. I'm readying! Keep writing, it will help so much, it's helped me so much!

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