Reality Check

Here's an update, real quick, because it is midnight on a "school night" (I have to go to work in the morning).

We talked to Dr. Babycraft yesterday for our pre-FET follow-up. We decided to transfer 2 embryos although he would be willing to do three, given my age and my past failures. I declined, saying I'm afraid of triplets. I suppose if this attempt is another failure, we can do a Hail Mary Transfer with 3 next time. That's assuming that all 5 of them "thaw" nicely.

Other than discussion of the number to transfer, the only other news flash from the Babycraft call was that I somehow distorted the success rate for embryos that have tested normal. I was thinking it was 70% per embryo, but it is actually 70% per transfer. Dr. Babycraft seems to think that my chances are actually lower than 70% because, again, of my past failures, my age, etc.

Oh -- and he said that having 5 out of 6 normal embryos was good news and bad news. The bad news is that if that many were normal now, that many were probably normal before and it still didn't work. I pointed out that I've only made two embryos before. Also, and I didn't think to say this during the call, those two embryos from a year ago were poor quality (and cultured in an inferior lab). They were below average three-day embryos with quite a bit of fragmentation. The grades our 5 current embryo indicate they are in a different league than their "sibs" from 2009.

Despite all of that *encouragement* the call ended on a good note. He said that it is amazing that I've responded as I have, considering the poor responses from before. I reminded him we went from 7 eggs making 2 embryos to 3 eggs making 0 embryos to 17 eggs making what we have now. He said, "It's like you're a different patient." I agreed and told him I'm feeling optimistic. DH told him how glad we are that we are cycling with them.

So, nothing like a good reality check with Dr. Babycraft. His brilliance just gets in the way of his ability to be encouraging. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I fell asleep last night with a few tears on my pillow. Today, I've been okay, though. Up and down. Scared. Impatient. The usual.

The Dark Tunnel

So I'm finally ready for the trigger shot! I had some major follicular growth overnight and I think the time has come. My lead was 25 mm today -- that's like 6 mm larger than yesterday. Seem impossible? My nurse said it could be attributed to having a different sonographer today from yesterday. Or maybe the growth hormone injections have a lingering effect!

Trigger is tonight at 1:45 a.m. and retrieval is Wednesday around noon.

My E2 shot up again to like 5,700 so the doc ordered an injection of certrotide. The nurse said it would help make sure I don't hyperstimulate.

We had our regroup with Dr. Babycraft today. If IVF is a roller coaster, meeting with him was like flying through a dark tunnel when you can't see anything and you're screaming your head off. For some reason I felt, well, a little bit terrified in Babycraft's presence. This is an unusual response for me -- with most people, I'm typically pretty composed and articulate, but in our meeting with him I felt like my questions were not well formed and his answers were impossible for me to understand. At one point I felt my emotions getting the best of me and I just wanted to get out of there. I did get a few questions answered but I generally felt like I'd unnecessarily taken up an appointment slot in his busy day.

"Do you think we wasted his time?" I asked my husband as soon as we left. He assured me that no, that wasn't the case. He pointed out that like with many brilliant people, Babycraft doesn't have the best people skills. My doc in Atlanta has the best people skills of any doc I've ever had, but I don't think she's got anything on Babycraft. So bottom line -- I'll take it. I know he's following me very closely and making careful decisions about what to do and when to do it. He doesn't have to be my best friend. He just has to practice his craft.

Although it didn't thrill me, our meeting with Babycraft was a good reality check -- a good reminder that my chances of success are still only like 35%. We also confirmed that no matter how many eggs we get and no matter how many fertilize, we will freeze all. As Babycraft put it, the lining of my uterus and my follicles aren't on the same page right now. My lining thinks I've already ovulated, so a transfer now would not be a good idea. This means another trip to Denver if we have something to work with.

This afternoon I found myself feeling impatient in an old familiar way -- the "I don't care what happens here, I just want this to be over" kind of way. Luckily that feeling didn't last. I tremendously care what happens here, of course. I'm just tired of being away from home and I miss my own bed and kitchen and bathroom and cat and car and and and... I even miss work.

More tomorrow.