News from an absentee blogger

So it's been a while again! I've been checking in on some of my old blogging buddies tonight and I honestly don't know how you women do it... I just can't find the time to blog or even log in and read what's going on in other peoples' lives. I've missed out on a lot, I'm learning.

Well, and there's a lot I've held back, too. I suppose it's time to fess up.

I'm pregnant. 21 weeks pregnant. (There's only one this time.)

This happened naturally.

Go figure.

The twins will be 18 months old when Newbie arrives.

I found out at the end of September. Couldn't believe it. The doctor warned me about this, but did I listen? No! I thought I was one of the most infertile women around. Apparently not.

While every baby is a blessing, this news threw me into a serious tailspin when I was already feeling overwhelmed by my new life. Becoming a stay-at-home mom to twins at nearly 40 after spending most of my adult life focusing intently on my career ROCKED MY WORLD. I have really had a hard time making the transition. But I have never doubted my decision to scale back on my career for a while. I am grateful to have the opportunity to do that.

I've struggled with what to say in this post because my heart hurts for those women out there who want to conceive a child and no matter what they try, nothing seems to work. If you've read my blog, you know I was one of those women. Even though we ultimately found success by travelling cross country to a clinic far away from home, it was a long, hard, painful road. I haven't forgotten how it made me feel and probably never will. I read the blogs of those who are still trying and I want to ask why this is happening to these amazing women who would obviously be great moms.

I intended to make this post my last one because let's face it, I'm no good at blogging right now. I was going to wrap things up and say thank you to the members of this community for all you have meant to me. But I can't say goodbye!

I'll keep checking in when I can. And even when I don't check in, I hold you all in my heart.

Five months later

Well anyone who was reading my blog months ago has probably long stopped checking it! So much time has passed since my last post. Becoming a mom to twins at this point in my life has been quite a challenge. Something had to give in order for me to stay on top of things -- and actually several things had to give for me to hold onto even a shred of my sense of control over my life.

I have not been depressed. Just incredibly busy and on some days, overwhelmed and exhausted. I made one BIG mistake and that was not teaching the twins to nap in their cribs sooner. I let them cat nap in their portable bassinets in the living room all day long. This gave me NO time to myself and resulted in quite a high level of anxiety at times.

Now that nap time occurs twice a day in the nursery -- simultaneously, no less -- I look back at what I was doing and 1) feel pretty lousy about not giving them the opportunity for higher quality sleep during the daytime -- after reading quite a bit on the topic, I now know how much they need it and 2) wonder how in the world I survived for as long as I did. I mean, really! How did I do that?

The twins are almost eight months old and they are doing great. They are happy, chubby little babies who delight us every day. Baby girl has a joyful soul and almost always wakes up smiling. If I could predict what she'll be like, I'd say she's going to be an outgoing person with a lot of energy. Baby boy appears to be a deep thinker and is incredibly adorable. He has the most infectious smile. We are blessed beyond measure. I think often of how these two little beings came into the world and I marvel at the work of CCRM.

I also go through stages when I think often about our other three embryos at CCRM -- what will we do? I want to give them the opportunity to become full-fledged human beings because I know what those CCRM embryos grow into! But I am torn about whether I can handle more children on so many fronts. I'm 40 and DH is 51. Would it be unwise? If we don't use the embryos, they cannot be donated to another couple, unfortunately, because I was too old when they were created. (I believe CCRM's maximum age is 35 at the time of egg retrieval. I was 39.)

I'd like to recommit to posting once a week and visiting all the blogs I used to read almost daily, but I'm smarter than that. I will say that I hope to make more appearances in the blogosphere and to reconnect with some of my "old" friends. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good summer.

It takes a village

While DH was out of town for three days this week, everything went well! I had lots of help -- a friend brought me lunch on Monday, another friend came over after work Monday and stayed through the babies' bedtime, a mother/daughter team came over Tuesday evening and even spent the night, and then on Wednesday, another friend came for the afternoon. DH was back home that night. The babies were simultaneously fussy for a few hours on Monday, but other than that, there really weren't moments of extreme frustration.

I was not only grateful for the extra hands; I was thrilled to have the company. I am learning more and more that two keys to my sanity are a little bit of variety in my days and interaction with friends. The wonderful thing is that these friends were all really happy to help out. They all adore the babies and seemed to really enjoy the time with them.

The babies are sleeping fairly well overnight, for about 6-7 hours. We keep fine-tuning our bedtime routine to figure out what works best. Tonight we actually put the babies down and there was no crying!! Yahoo!

Thanks to those of you who commented on my last post with encouraging words. It's so great to have this community!

Truly flying solo

I found out today that DH has to travel out of town for work on Monday. He won't be home until the middle of the night on Tuesday or on Wednesday morning. I'm pretty much freaking out. Can't decide whether I should hire a night nurse to help me out or simply go with it and see how things work. I mean, how many women in the world have managed twins alone? Plenty, for sure. One of my best friends has agreed to come over to help out during bath and bedtime on Monday night. I can probably find someone else to come over on Tuesday night, if need be. If I can just get them down for the night, I'll be fine. Making that transition from daytime to nighttime sleeping is the great challenge these days, typically involving several rounds of crying and soothing.

I am thinking the trick to managing this is to mentally prepare myself to be exhausted and at moments, very frustrated. I had one of those moments of frustration earlier today and started to cry while holding baby boy. DH had just left for a run -- the house was peaceful, with both babies napping in their cribs -- but baby boy started to cry uncontrollably. He'd been crying like that about 30 minutes earlier, off and on. I had hoped he'd sleep through his entire nap. But I think he's having gas pains, despite the baby gas drops we're giving him on a regular basis. So I freed him from his swaddle and the crib and brought him downstairs. As I did this, I started to cry -- feeling like a failure for "giving in" and worrying about what it will be like without DH. I wondered what he thought about my own crying. He actually stopped for a moment and looked up at me like, "What's wrong??"

Well, we will see how things go on Monday and Tuesday. I can do this! (I will keep telling myself this.) I think I can, I think I can . . .

A big anniversary and an even bigger birthday

I just realized -- as I was going to write a bit about my very happy 40th birthday last weekend -- that yesterday was the one-year anniversary of our fantastic retrieval at CCRM -- the day my 11-week-old twins were conceived! The day came and went and I didn't think about it once. I think this means I've lost all concept of time, but there's a pretty good explanation for that!

I need to find some good resources for multiples. Does anyone have any blogs or books to recommend? I'd love to connect with some twin moms who are bloggers and I also am looking for practical information about how to handle twins when you're alone with them. I'm trying to implement a schedule for the babies and it works pretty well when DH and I are here to do things simultaneously. It's those times when I'm flying solo that I get overwhelmed and very frustrated.

Speaking of the schedule, we are following some of what they recommend through Moms On Call. They're an Atlanta-based group of pediatric nurses who are also moms. They have a couple of online courses that are only $30. I did the infant one and it was quite helpful in terms of thinking about a schedule, but it didn't offer any suggestions for how to implement things for twins. Apparently you have to do an in-home consult ($350 for twins) to get that information. I'm trying to avoid that expense because there aren't many things we need help figuring out at this point. We learned a LOT from the NICU nurses.

So my birthday. It was great! The past few years have been depressing because of infertility. This year would have been super-depressing had we not finally achieved success. My unspoken goal was to have a baby before 40, so I was just deeply contented about the whole birthday thing. I have an old friend who's turning 40 in a few days and he is totally dreading it and freaking out. I had none of that, thankfully. It was a really good day, highlighted by the fact that it was 70 degrees in Atlanta and we got out of the house with the twins to go somewhere other than the pediatrician's office. Everything was casual and spontaneous, just the way I like things.

The babies are doing well, letting us sleep a little bit more. I actually got 6-7 hours last night in two separate "shifts." Thanks to Moms on Call we are letting them "cry it out" a little bit. One baby is a big crier while the other one is not. Makes for interesting bedtimes and naptimes. Thankfully the non-crier also can sleep through just about anything!

Okay, I gotta run. Thank you in advance for any blog or book suggestions!

Home alone and happy

Tonight is the third night that we are home ALONE with the twins. I am loving it. We are managing just fine, despite my mother's concerns that we couldn't do it. (I'm not sure if her concern wasn't a bit feigned in order to mask her desire to stay on and continue helping out -- she developed a strong, uh, "attachment" to the babies during her nearly two-month stay with us.... And yes, two months. It was complicated by the holidays. I couldn't send her packing around Christmas, which was when we really started to feel able to handle things alone.)

I'm beginning to feel like a mom. It's pretty cool! Exhausting, but wonderful. Worth the wait.

The twins had their two-month checkup this week. They're both around 9 lbs now and very healthy. The doctor even said normally he'd want to see them at three months, too, but we could just bring them back at four months unless we have concerns to address.

That's all for now. Sleep is calling because the babies are sleeping and probaby will for the next hour and a half (if I'm lucky).... See? I am capable of brevity!

Premature Parenthood

I've been thinking about how to summarize the past two months without too much or too little detail. I think I will break it down into topics such as:

-- when your pregnancy is cut short and you're not ready
-- when things don't go according to the birth plan
-- handling multiple weeks with a baby in the NICU
-- making it through the holidays under the above circumstances
-- figuring out what kind of help to request, accept, or deny from family and friends
-- what they didn't tell me about breastfeeding
-- what about our remaining embryos at CCRM?

Today I'll start with the first on the list:  premature parenthood. My twins were born at 32 weeks, 6 days. Interestingly, even though they were just one hour shy of 33 weeks, they were "32 weekers" according to the NICU. I hated that and always wished they could just call them 33 weekers because that would have sounded much better to me.

The fact that my pregnancy ended three weeks before my goal of 36 weeks was extremely difficult for me for the first several weeks and it still is, in some ways. At my first OB appointment last June, we sat in the office of a doctor I'd never met before and he told us that if I made it to mid-December it would be a miracle. Well that became my goal. Mid-December.

For weeks after the birth, which was on November 19, I couldn't stop thinking about how things happened, how surprised I was by it all, and how unprepared I felt. My last day at work had been that Monday and the babies arrived that Friday so I missed out on a lot of preparation and anticipation and nesting time. In addition to the distress of having to leave our newborns at the hospital when I was discharged, this was the dominant theme running through my mind and it just broke my heart -- I wasn't pregnant anymore. This sounds stupid, I know, considering I had two babies to think about.  But after all of those years of trying so hard to get pregnant, I just wasn't ready to not be pregnant. I felt like my body had failed the babies and I thought a lot about what I could have done to prevent such a premature birth and to keep the twins from having to stay in the NICU.

Just the other day, I read this:

"Having a premature baby has been likened by some experts to experiencing the death of a child. Parents grieve the loss of the healthy full-term newborn they pictured they'd take home, as well as of the normal pregnancy, delivery, and birth they were expecting. Don't forget that your parenthood, too, was premature, and you probably missed out on some important and meaningful social rituals that would have helped prepare you to take your baby home. You may not have completed your parenting class, had a baby shower, exulted in a celebration after delivery with your family and friends. Most parents of preemies don't realize how deep their deprivation is, or if they do, they may feel guilty about it. It doesn't feel right to mourn an imagined baby, or your own unmet needs, when you have a baby alive, and at home."
From "Preemies: The Essential Guide for Parents of Premature Babies" by Dana Wechsler Linden, Emma Trenti Paroli, and Mia Wechsler Doron, M.D. [This book is an excellent resource, by the way.]

Reading the above quote gave me some validation for how I felt those first several weeks. I believe I had known that I needed to emotionally prepare myself to not be pregnant anymore and I think it was on my mental list of things to do before I reached 36 weeks (along with things like finish the nursery, get caught up on thank you notes, read up some more on breastfeeding, etc., etc.). Not being  prepared to let go of being pregnant -- knowing I may never be pregnant again --  taught me how much I truly loved being pregnant. (A surprise to me, because as we struggled to beat IF and we considered all of the options, I said I wasn't the kind of woman who needed to experience pregnancy to feel like my life is complete.) Sure, my pregnancy was physically challenging in a variety of ways and toward the end I was pretty miserable with the swelling in my legs and feet. But I still loved it. I loved the anticipation of what was to come. I loved the excitement that people had for us. I enjoyed the success we finally achieved, after more than three very long years of trying to conceive. I treasured how "charmed" our CCRM experience had been. And I celebrated with each passing week that I wasn't on bed rest and seemed to be doing so well.

Of course, I realize as I write this that I can still enjoy our success and treasure the CCRM experience. Premature birth doesn't take that away. Nothing can!

During those first weeks, I could only talk about my feelings with DH because I figured anyone else would think I was crazy (and dear readers, if YOU think I'm crazy, please don't comment and tell me I'm wrong for feeling this way). Eventually, I think he gently said to me, "I think you need to let this go" -- or something like that -- and I realized he was right. I couldn't dote on the fact that I didn't get what I wanted. I needed to accept what had happened as part of this journey and move on. After all, that's life, right?

I've definitely begun to put aside the feelings of disappointment and failure and I've also begun to see the positives of not being pregnant anymore -- for starters, I'm 50 pounds lighter and can move around easily again. As we watched the babies grow and thrive week by week in the NICU, it helped to count those weeks as if I were still pregnant, especially as we surpassed 36 weeks. And we reached 40 weeks last Saturday -- what a milestone!

I know this is an awfullly introspective  (and some would say selfish) post, but I needed to put it out there. Perhaps it will help someone else. All of this certainly caught me off guard. I had no idea I would feel most of what I've described.

Until next time,
Susie

I'm back, I'm back!

I'm really excited. I'm back! I have missed this community so, so much over the past 7-8 weeks. I have much to share and much to catch up on with other bloggers. I have now caught up on a few of my bloggy friends and there's exciting stuff going on!

AuntieEm is transferring two embryos at CCRM this afternoon! Pie had her baby girl on Monday. AmyG is 35 weeks along and still playing gigs with her band.

Today's special for me, too. For the first time, I've been home alone with my babies -- for the past hour and a half -- and this is pure bliss. (Of course they are both sleeping like angels at the moment.) My mom left today after nearly eight weeks. Like people said I would, I cried after she left. I watched DH back out of the driveway and then they drove away. Just like that. At first I had a fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach and then I started to cry. But soon the tears dried up and I realized that this is the first time I've been home alone since the afternoon of the day the babies were born. The past 7-8 weeks are a big blur but I need to sort some things out and process what happened, so I'll be sharing some of that in upcoming posts.

For now, I want to say that I'm back and how grateful I am that this online community exists. Prior to the births (and even prior to my going part-time at work after Labor Day) I had imagined that I'd not lose touch like I did . . . . I had actually imagined being more present in the blogosphere . . . . but it was just so difficult to find the privacy and time to log on, particularly since mid-November. Aside from DH, almost no one IRL knows about this blog and I didn't want to out myself to family.

Happy 2011, everyone! May it be a great year for us all.

Susie

An update from the NICU

I am enjoying a rare moment -- it's quiet, I'm alone, I'm NOT attached to a breast pump, and I'm warm, comfortable, and fairly awake. I'm not sure the last time this happened.... I've wanted to post for days on end -- and I've really NEEDED to post, for sanity's sake -- but the opportunity and energy just haven't been there until now.

The babies are 3 weeks, 4 days old today -- gestational age is 36 weeks, 3 days. Both babies are still in the NICU, but they have graduated to a different section -- where babies go before they get discharged. We have been there since November 29 and may be there for another week or so.

One or two people asked for names and photos of the babies. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Obviously, since I haven't posted my own photo and I don't use my real name, I'm interested in protecting my privacy. Naturally, I want to do the same for the twins. I'd like to come up with good blog names for them at some point, but for now, Baby Boy and Baby Girl will have to suffice.

So, life in the NICU . . . How shall I describe it? It is often beautiful and wonderful, because it is the place where your babies are. And many other beautiful premature babies and their parents are there, too, along with nurses who know and care so much. But it is also cold and impersonal and deeply frustrating because it is the place where your babies are (it is not home). Along with other premature babies, some of whom are much sicker than your own, who make you feel grateful that yours don't have greater complications -- and some of whom are making progress much faster than your own, and you experience for the first time what it's like to compare your child to another or to compare yourself to another parent, wondering why your child is lagging behind and whether there's anything you can do to improve your child's outcomes.

There are moments when your NICU experience -- well, my NICU experience, I should say -- makes me feel more like a visitor or a babysitter than a parent. I mean, for weeks, I had to ask a nurse if I could pick up one of my babies. I still have to ask, "Do you want me to change her diaper?" when I know good and well that it's time to do that. I never imagined this as I anticipated getting an HCG level high enough for it to indicate I was pregnant. It is simply odd to have someone else "in charge" of what you do as a parent.

Yet there are moments when it isn't odd at all. You -- well, I -- feel deep, deep gratitude that this expert person is there to teach me what to do and when to do it. It makes me wonder what in the world parents who don't get all of this hands-on training DO when it's time to take their tiny babies home -- even full-term babies! They are still small and utterly dependent on you.

I am pretty sure that I have cried more during the past three weeks than I have in the past year, at least. I'm not a cryer. But the hormones, the stress, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty and fear... all of that together plays a number on me and meltdowns have sometimes been a daily occurence. Oh and the mood swings are crazy! I'm not a moody girl, but oh my gosh!! I've noticed that within minutes, I've gone from feeling desperate and hopeless to feeling inspired and deeply contented.

I also feel very selfish at times -- frustrated that I have to pump every 2-3 hours and I can't seem to really find a schedule that works well, what with twice-daily hospital visits including attempts at breastfeeding, which have to be timed with the pumping. I've also been a big wimp about pumping in the middle of the night. When I can realize that I'm being selfish, I then feel guilty for feeling this way and I tell myself I should focus on the positives of the situation -- at least I can produce enough milk for both of them to be nourished by... at least this is something I CAN DO to contribute to their care... and worst of all, hello? HOW HARD DID YOU TRY TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN? ALL THAT MONEY AND TIME ON FERTILITY TREATMENTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? AT LEAST YOU HAVE TWO BABIES!!!

My husband has been a great support through all of this. I'm learning to tell him how I'm feeling rather than keep it bottled up -- even if I tell him after the fact. Just telling him about my mood swings and talking about my feelings (as my voice shakes because I'm on the verge of tears --again) has helped a great deal. Last Friday night we went out on a date to a nice restaurant -- didn't get there until almost 9 p.m. because I had to pump when we got home from the hospital and then I fell asleep . . . But it was so wonderful to be with him alone for a few hours and simply talk. I don't think I have ever taken him for granted but I do think I've taken the endless time we've had to do whatever we wanted for granted. These babies are his first and my first, despite first marriages for both of us, so we've spent a LOT of adult years doing whatever we pleased, whenever we pleased. Those days are over, but now it seems that the time we have alone and together will be sweeter and richer.

Okay, I don't know if this post will make much sense to anyone reading it . . . But these are my feelings in recent days. I think the babies are coming home next week and I can't wait, if for no other reason than simplification of our schedule. More importantly, I can't wait to bring them HOME -- into the home where we have a wonderful nursery for them, into the house where they will grow up, into the neighborhood where they'll make friends, just down the street from where they'll go to elementary school.

Thank you all so much for your good wishes for us. I appreciate your support. And again, although I'm not doing much commenting, I'm trying to keep up with my favorite blogs, even if I read two weeks' worth of posts in one sitting. I'm thinking of you all and wishing you the best in your own journeys to parenthood.

Hugs!
Susie

Newsflash: I'm a preemie mom!

Despite all my effort to prevent preterm labor, I crossed the threshhold from pregnancy to motherhood last Friday night -- just shy of 33 weeks. My delivery date goal had been 36 weeks. Friday morning, my OB all but put me on bed rest because he said he could tell I wasn't resting enough. He commanded me to rest more and I obliged, spending all afternoon on the couch. When I went to the bahroom a little before 8 p.m., I discovered a sea of red in the toilet. Called the doctor's office and headed straight to the hospital with DH.

To make a long story short, my water had broken and I was in labor. At around 10 p.m. my OB said, "We're going to have these babies tonight." And I asked, "How soon?" He said in 30 minutes to an hour! He was right -- I got an epidural within about 30 minutes and I was in the OR for the c-section shortly after that.

Baby A, our little girl, arrived first, weighing 4 lbs. 11 oz. and was 17.5 inches long. And Baby B, our little boy, arrived two minutes later weighing 5 lbs. 1 oz. and was 18.5 inches long.

They are in the NICU and will be for several weeks. I'd love to have them home by Christmas, but I don't want them to come before they are ready. DH and I are learning a lot about the medical challenges they are facing, most of which have to do with breathing, their heart rates, and digestion -- all pretty major stuff. However, I think size is on their side. We expected them to be much smaller.

If I could keep my eyes open, I'd tell you more. But I am more sleep-deprived than ever. I got no sleep Friday night, maybe 2-3 hours Saturday night, etc. Getting home from the hospital last night helped -- you get no rest in the hospital! I'm learning to pump my breast milk -- and it's beginning to work! But I'm supposed to pump 8-9 times per day to get things established and be ready for the babies when they learn to breastfeed. Right now they each receive milk through a tiny tube inserted in the mouth -- they're getting a combination of my milk and donor milk, which we started them on because my milk had not yet come in.

I can't end this post without telling you how in love we are with these sweet babies. The boy is beautiful and the girl is feisty. I love it! (We can't really see Baby Girl's face or hair very well because of an apparatus that involves a hat and large tubes that help her breathe. Baby Boy had one, too, but he graduated a few days ago to a simpler setup that allows us to admire his sweet face.) It is hard to believe that they are just five days old.

Needless to say, I am grateful for this outcome. The NICU has its scary moments, and we certainly aren't out of the woods yet. It is overwhelming at times -- the fear that one of them won't make it. But I don't think that's what we are dealing with here.

So, I'm feeling BIG gratitude on Thanksgiving 2010. I think back to one year ago and Thanksgiving was just a week or so after our one-day workup in Denver. What a difference a year makes! I am grateful for my new babies and I'm thankful for all of you who've read my blog and supported me along this journey. What a wonderful community we share.

As I am grateful for the positive outcome I have found, I also carry much hope in my heart for equally positive outcomes for all of you who are still seeking to build your family. Do not give up hope!

Happy Thanksgiving.

30 weeks today

I can't believe that I am 30 weeks along. I learned this week that I may deliver in 4 weeks -- yikes! -- and that has brought all kinds of thoughts to mind. I think about the years it took to get to this point, feeling like pregnancy and parenthood might never, ever happen. Yet in some ways, those years seem so distant now. I still feel the burden of the unknowns of infertility when I think about the years of waiting, but in many ways I've put that pain behind me. I am fully in soon-to-be parent mode. And that freaks me out at moments! Surprising, isn't it? After all those years of wishing and waiting and persevering, I'm about to finally get what I wanted and I'm freaking out about it. I'm sure that all of this is completely normal but it is interesting to observe, nonetheless.

So my last two posts were big vents about my mom. Thanks to those of you who read and offered advice. She's gone now and my anxiety level is normal again. I actually just spent about an hour and a half composing an email to her to further set some boundaries about her time here and to tell her how stressed all of the holiday and post-baby arrangements are making me. I know she'll read it and say that she will do everything she can to help us, because deep-down, she's very level headed and reasonable and I love that about her. I haven't hit send yet because I want DH to read it first.

One thing I realized in the midst of all of the mom angst that makes me sad -- my dad used to be the one to help keep her obsessive and smothering behaviors in check. For example, when my brother went away to college, it nearly did her in. She was beside herself missing him. She wanted to go visit my brother too soon and my dad told her no. She listened. He balanced her out completely. I miss him so much!

S here's what's been happening with me and the babies:

-- My boy is moving like crazy, punching, stretching, and shifting into positions that frequently cramp his sister (and let's face it, me). Last ultrasound (on Tuesday of this week), he was measuring 3.6 lbs and everything looked fantastic. His position is either transverse or breech, depending on where he moves.

-- My girl is moving less, has less space to do so, and is low on amniotic fluid. Her approximate weight on Tuesday was 3.1 lbs. The doctor was pleased with her growth (indicating weight gain of about a pound over the past four weeks) and her movement during the u/s was also good. The amniotic fluid could become a big problem, so we're due back for another u/s on November 8. Doc said the only things that could impact the amniotic fluid are how much fluid I'm drinking and how much rest I'm getting. (Some days, I'm sure it's not enough of either, so I'm trying to do better.)

-- Baby Girl's placenta is on the front, so it could be making it harder for me to feel her movements. Doc said if I go a day without feeling her move, come in to see them immediately. With Baby Boy all over the place it is sometimes confusing whether it is him or her moving, but I'm really working at zeroing in on who's doing what so I can monitor her. I sometimes knock on her side of my abdomen and say, "Hello! Baby Girl?" Sometimes she responds with a knock back! I'm also trying to rub my belly more on her side. I realized that I do that a lot on Baby Boy's side because he tends to butt up to my lower rib and poke either his head or his behind out my side -- very uncomfortable! I try to gently push him back in so I am more comfortable. I realized that all of this touching him makes me feel more close to him and perhaps stimulates his movement. So I'm trying to touch her more, too, to stimulate her movement. This is my first realization (probably the first of many) that I may have been treating them differently in a way that is not good for one of them. Oh, I have so much to learn about that!

-- Doc said if Baby Girl's amniotic fluid doesn't improve, "extra monitoring" may be needed, which would mean additional office visits and possibly a non-stress test. It could ultimately mean they need to deliver the babies earlier than we'd like.

-- If amniotic fluid problem improves and all continues to go well, will I last until 36-37 weeks? Doc said maybe but he'd more likely predict 34 weeks. (Um, hello, that is the Saturday after Thanksgiving!)

-- Doc (this is the perinatologist I've been referring to) will consult with OB to determine best time for C section (most likely) and it likely will be scheduled a few weeks in advance.

-- I am scheduled to continue working 4 hours per day through November 15. That day cannot come soon enough!

-- At last OB appointment, my fundal height was 34 cm (and I was 29 weeks at the time).

-- My feet and ankles are swelling horrendously at times. I'm embarrassed to wear dresses and most of my previous maternity pants aren't comfortable now. I've got a few pairs of comfortable black knit pants that are somewhat like workout pants but somehow pass for something else, thank goodness, and one pair of black "dressy" pants I picked up on clearance at Target. Also picked up a few pairs of Old Navy leggings last weekend -- what a lifesaver those are.

-- Other than the swelling, I feel pretty good. No backaches unless I stay in bed too long. Oh, I'm having pain in my hands that feels like what must arthritis must feel like, but it's apparently more fluid retention. It comes overnight and goes in the morning when I start moving around again.

-- DH and I took three classes last week -- Baby Essentials for Multiples, Infant CPR, and Breastfeeding for Multiples. Instructors were excellent. The only class that overwhelmed me was the baby essentials one, which surprised me. I thought the breastfeeding class would do me in, but it seemed fairly do-able. We shall see!

-- Have had two showers now. One more to go - next Sunday afternoon. It should be a biggie. DH's mom is coming for it.

-- DH and I have been to the same pizza place every Friday night for at least 8 weeks now. It is my weekly indulgence in amazing pizza and a caffeinated beverage -- bliss!

I sure do admire all of you bloggers who post more frequent, brief posts. I wish I could discipline myself to do that because I know the long posts get old. Thank you to my friends out there who read them and comment. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend!

Belated Update

Well, I'm back! I can't really explain my absence . . . As I've caught up on some blogs I've been following (but not reading much of lately) this morning, I've realized how entirely out of the loop I've been. And I have wondered why I haven't taken the time to log on, read, and comment. Everything since early August (and probably the few weeks before that) is kind of a blur. I'll try to recap some of the high points (and low points):

- July was INSANE, work-wise. 'nough said.

- August included our vacation to see family, which I did post about, followed by three weeks of preparation to go part-time at work, which I also posted about. (Exhausting!)

- On August 31 (last day of the month and quarter, great time to buy a car) we finally made a decision about purchasing a larger vehicle and got a Mazda CX-9. It has three rows of seating, plus two car seats and an adult can fit in the middle row, AND a stroller can fit in the "way back" with the 3rd row of seating in use. Of course the trade-off is the gas mileage, which I hate. At least it's not like a Suburban or a Navigator or something huge like that. It is definitely bigger than the smaller crossovers but still on a car chassis, I believe, which makes it feel less truck-like.

- The day after we sealed the deal on the new car, I woke up with a sore throat, which lead to a week-long illness including infected sinuses, nasty green chest congestion, etc. At first the OB's office didn't want to give me an antibiotic and suggested I try over-the-counter remedies. After four days of that, I called and asked for the real meds. They called in a z.pack and that cleared it up within another four or five days. Not fun, and did I take any sick days from work during all of this? Nooo, of course not!

- At the beginning of my puny week, my brother and SIL came to visit and we went to see Jonathan Franzen speak/read at a local book festival. It was a nerd-fest, but I really enjoyed it. I loved The Corrections but haven't yet started his new book. He read from it and it sounds great.

- More about going part-time . . . It's now been 13 days of working at home, supposedly for just 4 hours per day. Well for the first 7 days, I averaged 6 hours per day, which really stressed me out because a full workday in my organization is 7.5 hours. I was feeling like I was wasting my leave hours. At the end of the day yesterday, I recalculated the average and now it's down to just below 5 hours per day. That's better. This week I truly did work only 4 to 4.5 hours each day.

It is REALLY nice to let go of some of my responsibilities, but at the same time it is strange to give up some of my role. I've still got the VP title but I am not feeling very VP these days because I don't know all that's happening within my organization anymore. I think this is a pretty good way to transition into several months of maternity leave, though, when I'll supposedly be totally disconnected. (And that will help me make a decision about returning to work, I'm sure.)

- In terms of baby preparation, let's see what there is to share . . . We bought two cribs and had them delivered a few weeks ago. I have done a LOT of thinking about nursery decor, but have made no decisions. Frankly, I dislike most of the coordinated decor sets that include bedding and offer everything from lampshades to diaper stackers to switchplates. I mean, if the theme is monkeys, it's like you're trapped in the monkey habitat at the zoo -- there are monkeys everywhere! It's just a little too much for me. We also bought a big, comfy glider rocker with gliding ottoman to match. Here's how we decided on the color for that: We're at one of the big baby superstores and meet this super-great saleswoman who's agreed to ring up each crib and the rocker/ottoman separately so we can use our three 20% off coupons; plus she's going to apply their 10% twin discount AND invites us to get the store credit card, which will give us another 10% off. So we're looking at saving like $500 on all of this. Then we find out we have to go with the color of the rocker in-store -- we can't select one of the other colors on the swatches next to the rocker because that's considered a custom order and the 20% coupon won't work. So I immediately say, "I like chocolate brown!" and was quite relieved to have a slight bit of direction in the nursery decor department.

- I have some baby showers on the calendar, too. Two of my good friends are hosting a shower on October 10. It will be a hodge-podge of long-time friends and work friends. I'm not one of those women who has a group of friends ("the girls") I spend time with simultaneously, so it will be an interesting mix of people, many of whom have never met. I don't really like being the center of attention -- especially when opening gifts -- so as the day approaches I'm sure I'll have some anxiety about the occasion. But really, everyone is sooo happy for me, and they're there to help celebrate. I shouldn't be anxious.... My boss is throwing a small shower for me and DH at her home, too... The biggie will be a church shower on November 7. It will include couples/families, thank goodness, so I will not be the only one opening gifts. DH, who knows most people at church a lot better than I do, will be as much the center of attention as I will be.

Okay, this post is getting long, I know. I have more to share, but will save it for another day. Future topics to cover -- how the babies are doing (great!), how my mom is doing (insanely happy, bordering on annoying), how I am doing (feeling huge and uncomfortable at times), baby registries, my new sewing machine (nursery decor indecision has lead me to DIY), etc.

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. It's good to be back!

Will get back on board soon

I have been out of the loop, big time, for several weeks now. To those of you whose blogs I've been following and commenting on, I'm sorry.

I'm approaching my big transition to part-time at work and it has been so much work! I've been in my job for 8 years and will be the first to admit that I am not the best manager of paper. My desk is huge and always covered with stacks of folders and things to read. My files are jam-packed. Now that I'm going part-time, someone else is coming in to cover for me. I've got to train her but also have to prep my office for her use. This is a big job, physicallly speaking, because I'm recycling reams of old stuff and I'm packing boxes to take home. The past two days I've overdone it because by the end of the day, I start to feel pressure deep in my abdomen. Once all of this is done and I'm working part time, I fully intend to get re-engaged with the blogosphere.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am fine, other than being tired. I'm 21 weeks along today. Happy Saturday!!

Back from vacation

We are back from an eight day trip to see family, also referred to as our farewell tour, since we won't get home again for at least nine months. We spent four days with my family and four days with DH's family.
We had a great time visiting with everyone. I got to see my dad's brothers and their families as well as a very special great-aunt. We saw DH's whole family, which is much larger than my immediate family. They actually threw us a surprise baby shower (with just family) one evening after dinner. Now that we know we're having a girl and a boy, my MIL went a bit crazy with the pink and blue outfits. But they were adorable. We also received two beautiful hand-made blankets. Oh! And DH's rocker-nephew gave us two AC/DC onesies, which I love because it will be so "irreverent" for little tiny babies to wear them. The interesting dynamic in DH's family is that our twins will be the third and fourth grandchildren, but their older cousins are in college. I think these babies are going to be SPOILED by the in-laws and their cousins.

We came home yesterday, giving me today to recuperate. This is very unlike us. We typically use every minute of vacation time, arriving back home late the night before we have to return to work. I'm really glad we did this because I needed today to unpack, do laundry, and get mentally prepared for work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I have just three more weeks in the office and then I'm going part-time and working from home. I'm pretty excited about the change but also a tad bit concerned about the loss of socialization. However, I think I'm going to need the extra time to rest.

Physically, I feel huge, but I know I am not. However, there's no question I'm pregnant now. People are starting to look at me in public. I guess I have to get used to that. I'm pretty much wearing only maternity clothes now. Thanks to a friend who gave me two big bags of clothes and a few trips to some local consignment stores, I feel like I have some options in the wardrobe department. When the weather turns cooler, though, I'll have to find some new stuff. Of course in Atlanta, that won't be until October at the earliest.

I've been reading a book by a Dr. Barbara Luke about having multiples that I bought used for less than $1.00. It hasn't scared me, but it has made me much more aware of the possibility of a preterm delivery -- and I mean really early, not just 36 weeks. Dr. Luke's recommendation for staving off preterm labor and delivering normal birth-weight multiples is to gain 50 lbs. if you're having twins, and to gain much of it early. Well, that's not happening. I have finally gained the 10 lbs. back that I lost in May and June and have probably added 5-10 lbs. on top of that. My appetite is definitely huge compared to what it normally is, but she says I should eat 3,500 calories a day. Unless I'm going to eat junk food (Krispy Kremes every day, perhaps?) to supplement my fairly healthy diet, I'll never reach that goal.

I've got 12 days until we go back to the doctor. Chances are good that in about a week (maybe less), I'll be on the train to crazytown, worried about the babies. I think I'm definitely feeling movement, especially from the boy, but not so much from the girl. It could be her position, I suppose. Or as someone said, maybe the boy is just being a typical boy.

While we were out of town, I didn't have a computer with internet access (just my blackberry), so I am way behind on reading blogs. I did do a quick read of several updates last night, but didn't comment. I'll reconnect soon. Hope everyone is doing well!

It's a boy . . . and a girl!

I have been largely absent from the blogosphere for the past week or two because work has been insanely busy. We had six important deadlines yesterday and we met them all. I am thinking I can now coast a little bit -- after working 10 and 11-hour days for at least a week and a half.

Yesterday we had back-to-back doctor's appointments, first with the OB and then with the perinattologist.

At the OB's they did the doppler heart monitor and the babies are doing great. Their heartbeats were both around 140 beats per minute. The doctor "measured" my midsection -- I thought he was going to bring out a measuring tape, but he just felt the height of my uterus on top of my abdomen. Interestingly, he said if I were having one baby, I'd be measuring about 20 weeks, but since there are two, it makes sense that I'm this size at 17 weeks. (This explains why I feel so giant next to my colleague who is only one week behind me in her singleton pregnancy.) I also had blood drawn for the AFP (alpha-fetoprotein) test that screens for an elevated risk of various chromosomal and other abnormalities. It will take 3 weeks for the results, but I'm just going to assume it's all good since we did the full chromosomal screen on the embryos and they were normal.

At the perinatologist's office, I asked if we could videotape the monitor during the u/s and was told no, unfortunately. They used to do that but too many patients took their videos home, saw things they didn't understand, and started freaking out, calling the office and asking crazy questions they don't really have time to answer. Something also happened that involved a lawyer, so now they don't do it anymore.

The sonographer asked if we wanted to find out the gender and I assured her: YES! So first we learned that Baby B is a boy -- he was proudly displaying his manhood for all the world to see. On the other hand, Baby A was being a bit coy at first, but after several minutes, the sonographer declared that Baby A is a girl. I breathed a big sigh of relief and let out a big, "Yay!" DH and I are both very pleased with this outcome. Later I asked the doctor -- after he repeated the ultrasound just to get a look at them himself -- how sure he is about the genders. He replied with a smile, "I am 100% sure that Baby B is a boy. And I am 100% sure that Baby A is a girl." Good enough!

Thank you, CCRM embryologists, for selecting a boy and a girl. CCRM absolutely will not discuss the gender of your embryos with you. They say, "We don't do gender selection." I had hoped that with five good embryos to choose from, they'd try to pick one of each.

Back to the sonographer's look at A and B. We had about 20-25 minutes to watch what she was doing. She inspected, photographed, and measured all kinds of things -- the heart, the brain, the abdomen, the spine, and more. I was chatting away, commenting on what we saw. We could see the heart pumping away and could actually see the two ventricles! I asked how big it really is -- maybe the size of a bean? She measured and it was 1.4 cm x 1.8 cm! She also measured one of the femurs for me and it's about an inch long. Amazing! Oh, the ultrasound assesses their weight (based on all of the measurements they take, I suppose) and Baby A is 8 oz. and Baby B is 7 oz. The What to Expect When You're Expecting book says at 17 weeks, a baby is about the size of the palm of your hand.

So apparently, everything looks good. We go back to both doctors at the end of August. I am so happy that things are progressing well. I'm feeling really good and so much more energetic than I was during the first trimester.

I've got one more week of work and then a week off for vacation to go see our families. I've been jokingly telling people that this is our last trip EVER. I'm sure that's not so, but it will be a while.

Hope everyone is doing well. Happy Saturday!

16 week update

I didn't mean for 2 weeks to pass between posts, but I've been busier lately. I'm feeling much, much better -- normal, even -- and it's a really good thing because work has gotten super-demanding the past few weeks. I think this week, I never left the office before 7 p.m. On Thursday and Friday I was there until 8 p.m. I have three major deadlines next Friday and am spending as much time as possible trying to meet them. However, I refuse to work this weekend. I hope I don't regret that decision next week, but I've got to give myself a break.

In addition to work demands, we've been researching cars, car seats and stollers. Who knew all of that was so complicated? Today we are going to look at a few more cars and then we have a wedding late this afternoon, which should be a lot of fun.

I have my next ultrasound next Friday -- I can't wait! I've worried some about how they are doing, but my concerns haven't gotten out of control, thank goodness. I do think I felt some movement twice on Thursday -- so cool! -- but nothing since then. I will definitely update after the ultrasound.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

The Telling

When we decided to tell our news freely after 13 weeks, I didn't realize the first trimester actually goes until 14 weeks, but we stayed with the plan because our ultrasound during week 12 went well.

Unexpectedly, telling has been a bag of mixed emotions and thoughts. I had imagined it as pure joy. I realize now that I had imagined it as if I had conceived naturally in a normal amount of time -- as if this were a normal pregnancy announcement. Isn't that funny?

Some peoples' reactions made me laugh -- the woman at work who burst out laughing and was so excited for me, and then told me that she had suspected as much a month or more ago when I looked particularly green. Some people cried, including the woman at church who got pregnant when we did last year but went on to have a baby instead of a miscarriage, like we did. I decided that was her relief from the guilt.

When someone -- a guy, no less -- blurted out, "It worked!" in front of people who knew nothing of our IF treatments, I wanted to smack him. I gently told him later that we aren't telling everyone about our IVF because someday we need to tell the kids how they came into the world and it might be best if everyone they know doesn't already know this. I think he got the message.

However, in some situations, I have found that along with saying "we are expecting" comes a a great urge to explain how we came to this point. For three years, I've largely held in all the difficulty we've had conceiving, so now at moments, I have found myself wanting to explain how hard it has been or wanting to educate people about infertility and help them understand that it is all around and you just never know who's dealing with it, so be sensitive, people!). With some people I want to explain what an amazing feat this is -- this is no ordinary pregnancy, people, a WIZARD made my babies in a magical lab... I want them to marvel with me at what medical science can do. And I want to explain the enchanted feeling I had after discovering new hope with CCRM . . . I want to explain why I've been moody or distant or socially awkward for three years -- that there's a root cause to all of it.

But largely, I cannot explain all of that. People just aren't that interested, are they? They are quite interested in the fact that I'm pregnant with twins, but they want to think and talk about due dates and baby names. They don't really want the back story. I'm sure through trial and error I'll figure out what feels right about what to tell and what not to tell -- and to whom.

Some people have asked, "Do twins run in your family?" and when I want to, it has been so great to honestly answer, "They do, actually. My mom's mom and my dad's dad were both twins." I LOVE that because if I don't want to tell them the truth of how I ended up with twins, that's all I have to say. I am not a good liar and I don't like to lie, so having twins in my family history is really helpful. And this is snarky, but it feels good to say that to nosy people who have no business in my business.

One woman from church said, "Oh, so many people have been praying for this for so long." That one has had me thinking: have they been praying for this because they think we'd make good parents and we've been married for almost 4 years and we're both getting up there in age and well, it's just about time? Or did someone secretly spill the fact that we were struggling with infertility and have been doing treatments for years? Or maybe they just assumed such. I don't think I want to know the answer. If a bunch of people at church knew the real deal, I'm so glad I didn't know it. I probably would have skipped church a lot more often.

(Theological tangent, not intended to invite comments by readers who tell me I'm wrong about this or that God's timing is perfect. This is just what I'm thinking: I can't help wondering if sooo many people had been praying for this, why did it take so long? Why did it almost not happen? Kind of reinforces my thought that we are pregnant not because this is what God intended -- "you wanted this so bad, so God made it happen," as one of my friends said -- no, we are pregnant because we persevered through 5 IUIs and 3 IVFs and we paid Dr. Babycraft $25,000. Not that God had ill intentions for our pregnancy or that God wasn't part of the equation. I wholeheartedly believe that my faith has helped me along the way. Maybe God helped us find the patience to persevere and the belief that no matter what, we would find some peace through this journey, regardless of the outcome. And who knows, maybe that's what people prayed for:  not for a pregnancy itself, but for patience and peace. God is not Santa Claus, after all. But let me be clear:  I do believe God is in this thing and I need God to be; I'm just not sure God could have made this happen without a lot of help humans.)

Sorry about that. I bet I've never mentioned that I'm a seminary dropout. I took an elective called "Suffering and Evil" at one time that really helped me think through some of the above. Of course it was not thought through within the context of infertiilty; it was throught through within the context of my dad's brain injury and subsequent nine years of living hell betwen 1996 and 2005.

As we told people after church last Sunday, I had a bit of odd anxiety that was unexpected. I think it may have been the fact that I don't really like being the center of attention or the subject of discussion. Or it may have been that being "out there" and having people think I'm a normal pregnant woman is so weird. I do feel very pregnant -- have seen three ultrasounds to prove it and have physically been wiped out for much of the past two months -- but in some ways, it just feels better to keep the pregnancy news to myself and my close circle of friends who've known for a while. Now I move into this phase of being under a microscope and being subject to all kinds of unsolicited advice. The woman who said sooo many people have prayed for this also said, "Expect to be monitored closely by 150 people." That's nice on one hand, but yikes! What a change.

What a jumbled mixture of contradicting thoughts, huh?

The one place I haven't told yet is Facebook. I rarely update my status because I don't think people care what I'm doing. I generally reserve status updates for something big. Well this is big, but I've read so many other bloggers' posts where FB announcements of pregnancies really sting. I don't know who's out there dealing with infertility in my FB world, but I don't want to cause them pain. I thought about just totally coming out and saying, "After three years of struggling with infertility, I am expecting twins." But I don't want everyone who's my friend on FB to know I'm infertile. I've also thought about an email to a smaller group of FB friends. I will probably go that route.

Okay, this post was ready to go until I reread it and decided to add in that theological rant. Sorry again about that, and sorry for the length of this post. I've got more on my mind after listing to a Super Mom explain why cloth diapers and water births are best . . . But will save all of that for later.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

13 weeks today!

Okay, I should have posted sooner with an update. Sorry about that. All is well. It was a pretty good week. I spent the time that I should have spent posting and commenting on peoples' blogs trying to set up a private blog for our families to follow our progress. Everyone lives out of state so we won't be seeing them much before the babies are born. (And this blog is a little more information than I want to give my aunts and uncles and cousins and inlaws!) We do have a trip to see them planned in August but that will be our last visit with them until who knows when. Except for my mother who is growing more and more excited every day and will be visiting multiple times, I'm sure. She sent me the funniest email this week, rambling on and on about how she wants to be supportive and help as much as possible but she doesn't want to interfere with our lives . . . It became quite funny. I forwarded it to DH and simply said, "My mother is loopy." He replied and said she has the grandmother version of pregnancy brain. No kidding! She's 68 and has no grandchildren, so she's waited a while for this. I used to be worried about her interfering (and never going home) but now I'm grateful that she's so available to help out. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle two babies at first and she will be a reassuring presence, especially since she's a retired nurse.

We had our first perinatal appointment on Tuesday for the first trimester screen and had a good, long "visit" with the babies. The sonographer probably spent about 15 or more minutes getting what she needed and then the doctor repeated the ultrasound for about 10 minutes. It was mesmerizing to watch them floating around, oblivious to gravity. Twin A was lounging on his/her back at one point, either sucking his/her thumb or picking his/her nose with legs crossed -- as if he/she was kicked back in a hammock. A few times the sonographer thumped on my stomach to get Twin A to move and it was surprising  to see A react. You think they are in their own little world and that what's happening outside the uterus doesn't have an impact on them -- it was amazing to see Twin A jump, like, "Oh, what was that?" For a split second I thought, "Hey, leave my baby alone!" but A very quickly resumed his/her relaxing, kicked-back pose, so I figured it was okay. Funny how that mother's instict kicks in, isn't it?

Here's a close up of Baby A

And here are A's hands and feet in the air

And here is Baby B

And two shots of B's legs (kind of hard to see)

We discussed with the doctor (who we like very much) the bleeding episode and he said that one of the placentas is right on top of my cervix, so he isn't surprised. He said no walking for exercise, no intercourse, nothing strenuous. In addition to the ultrasound, they did a finger prick and ran some blood tests. We had a bit of a scare on Thursday when a genetic counselor called to say that Twin A's results came back indicating a slightly higher risk of Down Syndrome. We met in person with the genetic counselor on Friday morning to fully understand this result. The nuchal translucency measurment, which they take on the back of the neck, helps indicate whether there might be problems such as Down's or a heart defect. Twin B's NT was 1.9 mm and Twin A's was 2.1 mm. Amzaing that a two-tenths of a millimeter difference makes that much of a difference in the risk assessment. Twin B's risk of Down Syndrome was reduced to 1 in 430. Twin A's was only reduced to 1 in 281 and they want it to be 1 in 308 or less. That said, a risk of 1 in 281 is still in the normal range and the genetic counselor said she isn't particularly concerned about this, especially since we did the comprehensive chromosone screening on our embryos with CCRM and everything came back normal. She said there are like 10 additional markers they will look for at our next ultrasound (in 4 weeks) and if there are additional concerns then, we can discuss the possibility of doing amniocentisis.

In addition to the perinatal appointment on Tuesday, we had an OB appointment on Friday (yesterday). I thought we'd get another look at them but was disappointed and confused to learn that all of my ultrasounds here on out will be at the perinatologist's office across the street because the OB's machine can't capture what's needed now. (I began to wonder, why do we need you people? And I actually said something to that effect to the genetic counselor, who works for the perinatalogy office, and she said, "Well, they have to deliver the babies." Aha! So we do need the OB!! But I'm thinking, after three years of appointments in fertility clinics, one of which has a waterfall in the entrance... that would be CCRM.... I'm thinking, "What kind of 21st century obstetrician's office doesn't have a decent ultrasound machine??" Anyway, the OB appointment was almost a non-event. They did a urine sample, had me stand on the scale, got out the fetal heart monitor and listened to both heartbeats, and then we talked with the doctor for a few minutes. We cleared our vacation dates with him, I updated him on my plans at work to cut back hours after Labor Day, we discussed the bleeding episode (I'm still spotting some brown gunk but no one seems concerned), and we discussed the results from Tuesday, which he had just received, which he also was unconcerned about. I don't mean to sound critical of this doctor. He seems great and comes very highly recommended. It's just odd to put my care in the hands of someone who refers patients out of his for all ultrasounds. I don't get that. But maybe I've been in IF world for too long and that's the way it is. I know for "normal" pregnancies, women don't get many ultrasounds, anyway, so maybe that's it. It's still odd after having so, so many scans (I should have counted). I didn't know the procedure was so specialized!

Okay, noon is going to be here before I know it and I'm still sitting on my bed in my pajamas. I have got to get up and get away from the computer. I may go to a few consignment shops that sell maternity clothes today because I'm staring to "spread."

Oh, also! We're going to tell people now that we made it through our two doctor's appointments this week. Tomorrow should be interesting at church and next week, I can't wait to tell some of my colleagues at work. Have a good weekend, everyone!

Challenging weekend

Friday night, I had some bleeding -- a pregnancy first. Of course I panicked, but after talking to the midwife on call at my OB's office both Friday night and Saturday morning, I was reassured. It was mainly one episode Friday night around 11 p.m. and then just a few drops of blood at about 3 a.m. Saturday. Since then, it has all been brown, which the midwife said is good because that's old blood. We couldn't identify anything I've done that might have caused this but it isn't uncommon, so I'm not going to worry too much about it. We have another ultrasound Tuesday morning, so I hope to be reassured for sure then. I had to go to a meeting yesterday until mid-afternoon, but after that, I camped out on the couch. Today I went to church and then a baby shower (which lasted forever) but I returned to the couch when I got home around 6 p.m. I am thankful this episode was brief, but that doesn't make it less frightening. I immediately started thinking about the possibility of going back to that very familiar uncertain feeling that has permeated my infertility experience -- the question of what my life is going to be like. Fingers crossed that all is truly well. Will let you know Tuesday.

My best friend's dad died today. He had been ill and we had hoped he was on the mend, but his condition deteriorated rapidly last Wednesday or Thursday. I'm so sad for her, her mom, her four siblings, and all of his grandchildren (especially my godchildren). I knew him as a kind and hardworking man who loved his family. I know they weren't ready for him to go and he will be dearly missed. I haven't seen him much in recent years but my sense is that he loved being a grandfather. Those kids are going to miss that. And so is my friend. (I'm so sorry, S. I wish I could be there for you this week.) My mom has offered to go to the memorial service to represent our family and I hope she can go. My going is unfortunately out of the question because it's out of state and I'm still grounded, travel-wise. Especially after the bleeding episode from Friday. I hate this because S. was there for me when my dad died and it meant so much.

My shortest post ever

This is going to be my shortest post ever, but it is a significant thing . . .

The past two days I have begun to feel like a normal person again! I actually ate some chicken for lunch today . . . yes, chicken! My first in at least a month. I think that I'm about to turn the corner on the nausea and food aversions. And my energy level is improving, too.

I am so excited!!