Sunday, April 18, 2010

On being hopeful

Hope is such a mysterious and sometimes elusive thing. Friday night I googled something about FET and one of the top FET links that came up was something from the blog of another CCRM patient. I clicked over there and was absolutely drawn in by her storytelling abilities. And she was so positive! Her FET was last October and it worked. It was her last chance and she transferred her very last embryo. And it worked! The great thing is, she was so, so hopeful and positive beforehand. She wasn't disappointed when she learned the outcome. Was her joy at the good news even more full because she'd already been in a positive place?

I thought about her positive energy several times yesterday, wishing I could be so positive. I don't know if I just don't have it in me at all or if I can't let myself go there because I've had too many disappointments to grieve over already (dad's brain injury and death 9 years later being the chief disappointment -- that absolutely changed my outlook on so many things, including my faith and my beliefs about how God works in our lives, answers prayers, etc.). I worked really, really hard after dad died to reclaim a positive and hopeful outlook on life. When I met my wonderful, sweet, funny husband and became part of his very cool family, hope was restored in a big way. Although my dad and four grandparents died within the span of 11 years and my own family was reduced to just a few special people, I was given a new family and learned that there's always an opportunity for renewal, one way or another.

But I still find it difficult to be super-positive and upbeat about the FET results that will be known on May 1.  My hope is laced with caution.

Perhaps I could decide now that it will be more fun to be hopeful and positive. I'll just throw my caution to the wind. The journey of the next few weeks would be much more fun and light-hearted, but if it doesn't work, will the disappointment be greater?


  1. Man, have you been reading my mind? I am see-sawing between being hopeful and being rational/scared/doubting too. That's Jill's blog, right? Remember, she had many doubts along the way too, no one immune. I hope you can find that hopeful place, but don't beat yourself up over any doubt that might creep in. Its normal. My fingers are crossed for you!!

  2. FET coming up! I'm sending my positive vibes to you through the interwebs. I hope you have lots of good days and moments this month and, while I'm hoping, fantastic news at the end of it!