I'm back, I'm back!

I'm really excited. I'm back! I have missed this community so, so much over the past 7-8 weeks. I have much to share and much to catch up on with other bloggers. I have now caught up on a few of my bloggy friends and there's exciting stuff going on!

AuntieEm is transferring two embryos at CCRM this afternoon! Pie had her baby girl on Monday. AmyG is 35 weeks along and still playing gigs with her band.

Today's special for me, too. For the first time, I've been home alone with my babies -- for the past hour and a half -- and this is pure bliss. (Of course they are both sleeping like angels at the moment.) My mom left today after nearly eight weeks. Like people said I would, I cried after she left. I watched DH back out of the driveway and then they drove away. Just like that. At first I had a fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach and then I started to cry. But soon the tears dried up and I realized that this is the first time I've been home alone since the afternoon of the day the babies were born. The past 7-8 weeks are a big blur but I need to sort some things out and process what happened, so I'll be sharing some of that in upcoming posts.

For now, I want to say that I'm back and how grateful I am that this online community exists. Prior to the births (and even prior to my going part-time at work after Labor Day) I had imagined that I'd not lose touch like I did . . . . I had actually imagined being more present in the blogosphere . . . . but it was just so difficult to find the privacy and time to log on, particularly since mid-November. Aside from DH, almost no one IRL knows about this blog and I didn't want to out myself to family.

Happy 2011, everyone! May it be a great year for us all.

Susie

An update from the NICU

I am enjoying a rare moment -- it's quiet, I'm alone, I'm NOT attached to a breast pump, and I'm warm, comfortable, and fairly awake. I'm not sure the last time this happened.... I've wanted to post for days on end -- and I've really NEEDED to post, for sanity's sake -- but the opportunity and energy just haven't been there until now.

The babies are 3 weeks, 4 days old today -- gestational age is 36 weeks, 3 days. Both babies are still in the NICU, but they have graduated to a different section -- where babies go before they get discharged. We have been there since November 29 and may be there for another week or so.

One or two people asked for names and photos of the babies. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Obviously, since I haven't posted my own photo and I don't use my real name, I'm interested in protecting my privacy. Naturally, I want to do the same for the twins. I'd like to come up with good blog names for them at some point, but for now, Baby Boy and Baby Girl will have to suffice.

So, life in the NICU . . . How shall I describe it? It is often beautiful and wonderful, because it is the place where your babies are. And many other beautiful premature babies and their parents are there, too, along with nurses who know and care so much. But it is also cold and impersonal and deeply frustrating because it is the place where your babies are (it is not home). Along with other premature babies, some of whom are much sicker than your own, who make you feel grateful that yours don't have greater complications -- and some of whom are making progress much faster than your own, and you experience for the first time what it's like to compare your child to another or to compare yourself to another parent, wondering why your child is lagging behind and whether there's anything you can do to improve your child's outcomes.

There are moments when your NICU experience -- well, my NICU experience, I should say -- makes me feel more like a visitor or a babysitter than a parent. I mean, for weeks, I had to ask a nurse if I could pick up one of my babies. I still have to ask, "Do you want me to change her diaper?" when I know good and well that it's time to do that. I never imagined this as I anticipated getting an HCG level high enough for it to indicate I was pregnant. It is simply odd to have someone else "in charge" of what you do as a parent.

Yet there are moments when it isn't odd at all. You -- well, I -- feel deep, deep gratitude that this expert person is there to teach me what to do and when to do it. It makes me wonder what in the world parents who don't get all of this hands-on training DO when it's time to take their tiny babies home -- even full-term babies! They are still small and utterly dependent on you.

I am pretty sure that I have cried more during the past three weeks than I have in the past year, at least. I'm not a cryer. But the hormones, the stress, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty and fear... all of that together plays a number on me and meltdowns have sometimes been a daily occurence. Oh and the mood swings are crazy! I'm not a moody girl, but oh my gosh!! I've noticed that within minutes, I've gone from feeling desperate and hopeless to feeling inspired and deeply contented.

I also feel very selfish at times -- frustrated that I have to pump every 2-3 hours and I can't seem to really find a schedule that works well, what with twice-daily hospital visits including attempts at breastfeeding, which have to be timed with the pumping. I've also been a big wimp about pumping in the middle of the night. When I can realize that I'm being selfish, I then feel guilty for feeling this way and I tell myself I should focus on the positives of the situation -- at least I can produce enough milk for both of them to be nourished by... at least this is something I CAN DO to contribute to their care... and worst of all, hello? HOW HARD DID YOU TRY TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN? ALL THAT MONEY AND TIME ON FERTILITY TREATMENTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? AT LEAST YOU HAVE TWO BABIES!!!

My husband has been a great support through all of this. I'm learning to tell him how I'm feeling rather than keep it bottled up -- even if I tell him after the fact. Just telling him about my mood swings and talking about my feelings (as my voice shakes because I'm on the verge of tears --again) has helped a great deal. Last Friday night we went out on a date to a nice restaurant -- didn't get there until almost 9 p.m. because I had to pump when we got home from the hospital and then I fell asleep . . . But it was so wonderful to be with him alone for a few hours and simply talk. I don't think I have ever taken him for granted but I do think I've taken the endless time we've had to do whatever we wanted for granted. These babies are his first and my first, despite first marriages for both of us, so we've spent a LOT of adult years doing whatever we pleased, whenever we pleased. Those days are over, but now it seems that the time we have alone and together will be sweeter and richer.

Okay, I don't know if this post will make much sense to anyone reading it . . . But these are my feelings in recent days. I think the babies are coming home next week and I can't wait, if for no other reason than simplification of our schedule. More importantly, I can't wait to bring them HOME -- into the home where we have a wonderful nursery for them, into the house where they will grow up, into the neighborhood where they'll make friends, just down the street from where they'll go to elementary school.

Thank you all so much for your good wishes for us. I appreciate your support. And again, although I'm not doing much commenting, I'm trying to keep up with my favorite blogs, even if I read two weeks' worth of posts in one sitting. I'm thinking of you all and wishing you the best in your own journeys to parenthood.

Hugs!
Susie

Newsflash: I'm a preemie mom!

Despite all my effort to prevent preterm labor, I crossed the threshhold from pregnancy to motherhood last Friday night -- just shy of 33 weeks. My delivery date goal had been 36 weeks. Friday morning, my OB all but put me on bed rest because he said he could tell I wasn't resting enough. He commanded me to rest more and I obliged, spending all afternoon on the couch. When I went to the bahroom a little before 8 p.m., I discovered a sea of red in the toilet. Called the doctor's office and headed straight to the hospital with DH.

To make a long story short, my water had broken and I was in labor. At around 10 p.m. my OB said, "We're going to have these babies tonight." And I asked, "How soon?" He said in 30 minutes to an hour! He was right -- I got an epidural within about 30 minutes and I was in the OR for the c-section shortly after that.

Baby A, our little girl, arrived first, weighing 4 lbs. 11 oz. and was 17.5 inches long. And Baby B, our little boy, arrived two minutes later weighing 5 lbs. 1 oz. and was 18.5 inches long.

They are in the NICU and will be for several weeks. I'd love to have them home by Christmas, but I don't want them to come before they are ready. DH and I are learning a lot about the medical challenges they are facing, most of which have to do with breathing, their heart rates, and digestion -- all pretty major stuff. However, I think size is on their side. We expected them to be much smaller.

If I could keep my eyes open, I'd tell you more. But I am more sleep-deprived than ever. I got no sleep Friday night, maybe 2-3 hours Saturday night, etc. Getting home from the hospital last night helped -- you get no rest in the hospital! I'm learning to pump my breast milk -- and it's beginning to work! But I'm supposed to pump 8-9 times per day to get things established and be ready for the babies when they learn to breastfeed. Right now they each receive milk through a tiny tube inserted in the mouth -- they're getting a combination of my milk and donor milk, which we started them on because my milk had not yet come in.

I can't end this post without telling you how in love we are with these sweet babies. The boy is beautiful and the girl is feisty. I love it! (We can't really see Baby Girl's face or hair very well because of an apparatus that involves a hat and large tubes that help her breathe. Baby Boy had one, too, but he graduated a few days ago to a simpler setup that allows us to admire his sweet face.) It is hard to believe that they are just five days old.

Needless to say, I am grateful for this outcome. The NICU has its scary moments, and we certainly aren't out of the woods yet. It is overwhelming at times -- the fear that one of them won't make it. But I don't think that's what we are dealing with here.

So, I'm feeling BIG gratitude on Thanksgiving 2010. I think back to one year ago and Thanksgiving was just a week or so after our one-day workup in Denver. What a difference a year makes! I am grateful for my new babies and I'm thankful for all of you who've read my blog and supported me along this journey. What a wonderful community we share.

As I am grateful for the positive outcome I have found, I also carry much hope in my heart for equally positive outcomes for all of you who are still seeking to build your family. Do not give up hope!

Happy Thanksgiving.

30 weeks today

I can't believe that I am 30 weeks along. I learned this week that I may deliver in 4 weeks -- yikes! -- and that has brought all kinds of thoughts to mind. I think about the years it took to get to this point, feeling like pregnancy and parenthood might never, ever happen. Yet in some ways, those years seem so distant now. I still feel the burden of the unknowns of infertility when I think about the years of waiting, but in many ways I've put that pain behind me. I am fully in soon-to-be parent mode. And that freaks me out at moments! Surprising, isn't it? After all those years of wishing and waiting and persevering, I'm about to finally get what I wanted and I'm freaking out about it. I'm sure that all of this is completely normal but it is interesting to observe, nonetheless.

So my last two posts were big vents about my mom. Thanks to those of you who read and offered advice. She's gone now and my anxiety level is normal again. I actually just spent about an hour and a half composing an email to her to further set some boundaries about her time here and to tell her how stressed all of the holiday and post-baby arrangements are making me. I know she'll read it and say that she will do everything she can to help us, because deep-down, she's very level headed and reasonable and I love that about her. I haven't hit send yet because I want DH to read it first.

One thing I realized in the midst of all of the mom angst that makes me sad -- my dad used to be the one to help keep her obsessive and smothering behaviors in check. For example, when my brother went away to college, it nearly did her in. She was beside herself missing him. She wanted to go visit my brother too soon and my dad told her no. She listened. He balanced her out completely. I miss him so much!

S here's what's been happening with me and the babies:

-- My boy is moving like crazy, punching, stretching, and shifting into positions that frequently cramp his sister (and let's face it, me). Last ultrasound (on Tuesday of this week), he was measuring 3.6 lbs and everything looked fantastic. His position is either transverse or breech, depending on where he moves.

-- My girl is moving less, has less space to do so, and is low on amniotic fluid. Her approximate weight on Tuesday was 3.1 lbs. The doctor was pleased with her growth (indicating weight gain of about a pound over the past four weeks) and her movement during the u/s was also good. The amniotic fluid could become a big problem, so we're due back for another u/s on November 8. Doc said the only things that could impact the amniotic fluid are how much fluid I'm drinking and how much rest I'm getting. (Some days, I'm sure it's not enough of either, so I'm trying to do better.)

-- Baby Girl's placenta is on the front, so it could be making it harder for me to feel her movements. Doc said if I go a day without feeling her move, come in to see them immediately. With Baby Boy all over the place it is sometimes confusing whether it is him or her moving, but I'm really working at zeroing in on who's doing what so I can monitor her. I sometimes knock on her side of my abdomen and say, "Hello! Baby Girl?" Sometimes she responds with a knock back! I'm also trying to rub my belly more on her side. I realized that I do that a lot on Baby Boy's side because he tends to butt up to my lower rib and poke either his head or his behind out my side -- very uncomfortable! I try to gently push him back in so I am more comfortable. I realized that all of this touching him makes me feel more close to him and perhaps stimulates his movement. So I'm trying to touch her more, too, to stimulate her movement. This is my first realization (probably the first of many) that I may have been treating them differently in a way that is not good for one of them. Oh, I have so much to learn about that!

-- Doc said if Baby Girl's amniotic fluid doesn't improve, "extra monitoring" may be needed, which would mean additional office visits and possibly a non-stress test. It could ultimately mean they need to deliver the babies earlier than we'd like.

-- If amniotic fluid problem improves and all continues to go well, will I last until 36-37 weeks? Doc said maybe but he'd more likely predict 34 weeks. (Um, hello, that is the Saturday after Thanksgiving!)

-- Doc (this is the perinatologist I've been referring to) will consult with OB to determine best time for C section (most likely) and it likely will be scheduled a few weeks in advance.

-- I am scheduled to continue working 4 hours per day through November 15. That day cannot come soon enough!

-- At last OB appointment, my fundal height was 34 cm (and I was 29 weeks at the time).

-- My feet and ankles are swelling horrendously at times. I'm embarrassed to wear dresses and most of my previous maternity pants aren't comfortable now. I've got a few pairs of comfortable black knit pants that are somewhat like workout pants but somehow pass for something else, thank goodness, and one pair of black "dressy" pants I picked up on clearance at Target. Also picked up a few pairs of Old Navy leggings last weekend -- what a lifesaver those are.

-- Other than the swelling, I feel pretty good. No backaches unless I stay in bed too long. Oh, I'm having pain in my hands that feels like what must arthritis must feel like, but it's apparently more fluid retention. It comes overnight and goes in the morning when I start moving around again.

-- DH and I took three classes last week -- Baby Essentials for Multiples, Infant CPR, and Breastfeeding for Multiples. Instructors were excellent. The only class that overwhelmed me was the baby essentials one, which surprised me. I thought the breastfeeding class would do me in, but it seemed fairly do-able. We shall see!

-- Have had two showers now. One more to go - next Sunday afternoon. It should be a biggie. DH's mom is coming for it.

-- DH and I have been to the same pizza place every Friday night for at least 8 weeks now. It is my weekly indulgence in amazing pizza and a caffeinated beverage -- bliss!

I sure do admire all of you bloggers who post more frequent, brief posts. I wish I could discipline myself to do that because I know the long posts get old. Thank you to my friends out there who read them and comment. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend!

Belated Update

Well, I'm back! I can't really explain my absence . . . As I've caught up on some blogs I've been following (but not reading much of lately) this morning, I've realized how entirely out of the loop I've been. And I have wondered why I haven't taken the time to log on, read, and comment. Everything since early August (and probably the few weeks before that) is kind of a blur. I'll try to recap some of the high points (and low points):

- July was INSANE, work-wise. 'nough said.

- August included our vacation to see family, which I did post about, followed by three weeks of preparation to go part-time at work, which I also posted about. (Exhausting!)

- On August 31 (last day of the month and quarter, great time to buy a car) we finally made a decision about purchasing a larger vehicle and got a Mazda CX-9. It has three rows of seating, plus two car seats and an adult can fit in the middle row, AND a stroller can fit in the "way back" with the 3rd row of seating in use. Of course the trade-off is the gas mileage, which I hate. At least it's not like a Suburban or a Navigator or something huge like that. It is definitely bigger than the smaller crossovers but still on a car chassis, I believe, which makes it feel less truck-like.

- The day after we sealed the deal on the new car, I woke up with a sore throat, which lead to a week-long illness including infected sinuses, nasty green chest congestion, etc. At first the OB's office didn't want to give me an antibiotic and suggested I try over-the-counter remedies. After four days of that, I called and asked for the real meds. They called in a z.pack and that cleared it up within another four or five days. Not fun, and did I take any sick days from work during all of this? Nooo, of course not!

- At the beginning of my puny week, my brother and SIL came to visit and we went to see Jonathan Franzen speak/read at a local book festival. It was a nerd-fest, but I really enjoyed it. I loved The Corrections but haven't yet started his new book. He read from it and it sounds great.

- More about going part-time . . . It's now been 13 days of working at home, supposedly for just 4 hours per day. Well for the first 7 days, I averaged 6 hours per day, which really stressed me out because a full workday in my organization is 7.5 hours. I was feeling like I was wasting my leave hours. At the end of the day yesterday, I recalculated the average and now it's down to just below 5 hours per day. That's better. This week I truly did work only 4 to 4.5 hours each day.

It is REALLY nice to let go of some of my responsibilities, but at the same time it is strange to give up some of my role. I've still got the VP title but I am not feeling very VP these days because I don't know all that's happening within my organization anymore. I think this is a pretty good way to transition into several months of maternity leave, though, when I'll supposedly be totally disconnected. (And that will help me make a decision about returning to work, I'm sure.)

- In terms of baby preparation, let's see what there is to share . . . We bought two cribs and had them delivered a few weeks ago. I have done a LOT of thinking about nursery decor, but have made no decisions. Frankly, I dislike most of the coordinated decor sets that include bedding and offer everything from lampshades to diaper stackers to switchplates. I mean, if the theme is monkeys, it's like you're trapped in the monkey habitat at the zoo -- there are monkeys everywhere! It's just a little too much for me. We also bought a big, comfy glider rocker with gliding ottoman to match. Here's how we decided on the color for that: We're at one of the big baby superstores and meet this super-great saleswoman who's agreed to ring up each crib and the rocker/ottoman separately so we can use our three 20% off coupons; plus she's going to apply their 10% twin discount AND invites us to get the store credit card, which will give us another 10% off. So we're looking at saving like $500 on all of this. Then we find out we have to go with the color of the rocker in-store -- we can't select one of the other colors on the swatches next to the rocker because that's considered a custom order and the 20% coupon won't work. So I immediately say, "I like chocolate brown!" and was quite relieved to have a slight bit of direction in the nursery decor department.

- I have some baby showers on the calendar, too. Two of my good friends are hosting a shower on October 10. It will be a hodge-podge of long-time friends and work friends. I'm not one of those women who has a group of friends ("the girls") I spend time with simultaneously, so it will be an interesting mix of people, many of whom have never met. I don't really like being the center of attention -- especially when opening gifts -- so as the day approaches I'm sure I'll have some anxiety about the occasion. But really, everyone is sooo happy for me, and they're there to help celebrate. I shouldn't be anxious.... My boss is throwing a small shower for me and DH at her home, too... The biggie will be a church shower on November 7. It will include couples/families, thank goodness, so I will not be the only one opening gifts. DH, who knows most people at church a lot better than I do, will be as much the center of attention as I will be.

Okay, this post is getting long, I know. I have more to share, but will save it for another day. Future topics to cover -- how the babies are doing (great!), how my mom is doing (insanely happy, bordering on annoying), how I am doing (feeling huge and uncomfortable at times), baby registries, my new sewing machine (nursery decor indecision has lead me to DIY), etc.

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. It's good to be back!

Will get back on board soon

I have been out of the loop, big time, for several weeks now. To those of you whose blogs I've been following and commenting on, I'm sorry.

I'm approaching my big transition to part-time at work and it has been so much work! I've been in my job for 8 years and will be the first to admit that I am not the best manager of paper. My desk is huge and always covered with stacks of folders and things to read. My files are jam-packed. Now that I'm going part-time, someone else is coming in to cover for me. I've got to train her but also have to prep my office for her use. This is a big job, physicallly speaking, because I'm recycling reams of old stuff and I'm packing boxes to take home. The past two days I've overdone it because by the end of the day, I start to feel pressure deep in my abdomen. Once all of this is done and I'm working part time, I fully intend to get re-engaged with the blogosphere.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am fine, other than being tired. I'm 21 weeks along today. Happy Saturday!!

Back from vacation

We are back from an eight day trip to see family, also referred to as our farewell tour, since we won't get home again for at least nine months. We spent four days with my family and four days with DH's family.
We had a great time visiting with everyone. I got to see my dad's brothers and their families as well as a very special great-aunt. We saw DH's whole family, which is much larger than my immediate family. They actually threw us a surprise baby shower (with just family) one evening after dinner. Now that we know we're having a girl and a boy, my MIL went a bit crazy with the pink and blue outfits. But they were adorable. We also received two beautiful hand-made blankets. Oh! And DH's rocker-nephew gave us two AC/DC onesies, which I love because it will be so "irreverent" for little tiny babies to wear them. The interesting dynamic in DH's family is that our twins will be the third and fourth grandchildren, but their older cousins are in college. I think these babies are going to be SPOILED by the in-laws and their cousins.

We came home yesterday, giving me today to recuperate. This is very unlike us. We typically use every minute of vacation time, arriving back home late the night before we have to return to work. I'm really glad we did this because I needed today to unpack, do laundry, and get mentally prepared for work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I have just three more weeks in the office and then I'm going part-time and working from home. I'm pretty excited about the change but also a tad bit concerned about the loss of socialization. However, I think I'm going to need the extra time to rest.

Physically, I feel huge, but I know I am not. However, there's no question I'm pregnant now. People are starting to look at me in public. I guess I have to get used to that. I'm pretty much wearing only maternity clothes now. Thanks to a friend who gave me two big bags of clothes and a few trips to some local consignment stores, I feel like I have some options in the wardrobe department. When the weather turns cooler, though, I'll have to find some new stuff. Of course in Atlanta, that won't be until October at the earliest.

I've been reading a book by a Dr. Barbara Luke about having multiples that I bought used for less than $1.00. It hasn't scared me, but it has made me much more aware of the possibility of a preterm delivery -- and I mean really early, not just 36 weeks. Dr. Luke's recommendation for staving off preterm labor and delivering normal birth-weight multiples is to gain 50 lbs. if you're having twins, and to gain much of it early. Well, that's not happening. I have finally gained the 10 lbs. back that I lost in May and June and have probably added 5-10 lbs. on top of that. My appetite is definitely huge compared to what it normally is, but she says I should eat 3,500 calories a day. Unless I'm going to eat junk food (Krispy Kremes every day, perhaps?) to supplement my fairly healthy diet, I'll never reach that goal.

I've got 12 days until we go back to the doctor. Chances are good that in about a week (maybe less), I'll be on the train to crazytown, worried about the babies. I think I'm definitely feeling movement, especially from the boy, but not so much from the girl. It could be her position, I suppose. Or as someone said, maybe the boy is just being a typical boy.

While we were out of town, I didn't have a computer with internet access (just my blackberry), so I am way behind on reading blogs. I did do a quick read of several updates last night, but didn't comment. I'll reconnect soon. Hope everyone is doing well!