Newsflash: I'm a preemie mom!

Despite all my effort to prevent preterm labor, I crossed the threshhold from pregnancy to motherhood last Friday night -- just shy of 33 weeks. My delivery date goal had been 36 weeks. Friday morning, my OB all but put me on bed rest because he said he could tell I wasn't resting enough. He commanded me to rest more and I obliged, spending all afternoon on the couch. When I went to the bahroom a little before 8 p.m., I discovered a sea of red in the toilet. Called the doctor's office and headed straight to the hospital with DH.

To make a long story short, my water had broken and I was in labor. At around 10 p.m. my OB said, "We're going to have these babies tonight." And I asked, "How soon?" He said in 30 minutes to an hour! He was right -- I got an epidural within about 30 minutes and I was in the OR for the c-section shortly after that.

Baby A, our little girl, arrived first, weighing 4 lbs. 11 oz. and was 17.5 inches long. And Baby B, our little boy, arrived two minutes later weighing 5 lbs. 1 oz. and was 18.5 inches long.

They are in the NICU and will be for several weeks. I'd love to have them home by Christmas, but I don't want them to come before they are ready. DH and I are learning a lot about the medical challenges they are facing, most of which have to do with breathing, their heart rates, and digestion -- all pretty major stuff. However, I think size is on their side. We expected them to be much smaller.

If I could keep my eyes open, I'd tell you more. But I am more sleep-deprived than ever. I got no sleep Friday night, maybe 2-3 hours Saturday night, etc. Getting home from the hospital last night helped -- you get no rest in the hospital! I'm learning to pump my breast milk -- and it's beginning to work! But I'm supposed to pump 8-9 times per day to get things established and be ready for the babies when they learn to breastfeed. Right now they each receive milk through a tiny tube inserted in the mouth -- they're getting a combination of my milk and donor milk, which we started them on because my milk had not yet come in.

I can't end this post without telling you how in love we are with these sweet babies. The boy is beautiful and the girl is feisty. I love it! (We can't really see Baby Girl's face or hair very well because of an apparatus that involves a hat and large tubes that help her breathe. Baby Boy had one, too, but he graduated a few days ago to a simpler setup that allows us to admire his sweet face.) It is hard to believe that they are just five days old.

Needless to say, I am grateful for this outcome. The NICU has its scary moments, and we certainly aren't out of the woods yet. It is overwhelming at times -- the fear that one of them won't make it. But I don't think that's what we are dealing with here.

So, I'm feeling BIG gratitude on Thanksgiving 2010. I think back to one year ago and Thanksgiving was just a week or so after our one-day workup in Denver. What a difference a year makes! I am grateful for my new babies and I'm thankful for all of you who've read my blog and supported me along this journey. What a wonderful community we share.

As I am grateful for the positive outcome I have found, I also carry much hope in my heart for equally positive outcomes for all of you who are still seeking to build your family. Do not give up hope!

Happy Thanksgiving.

30 weeks today

I can't believe that I am 30 weeks along. I learned this week that I may deliver in 4 weeks -- yikes! -- and that has brought all kinds of thoughts to mind. I think about the years it took to get to this point, feeling like pregnancy and parenthood might never, ever happen. Yet in some ways, those years seem so distant now. I still feel the burden of the unknowns of infertility when I think about the years of waiting, but in many ways I've put that pain behind me. I am fully in soon-to-be parent mode. And that freaks me out at moments! Surprising, isn't it? After all those years of wishing and waiting and persevering, I'm about to finally get what I wanted and I'm freaking out about it. I'm sure that all of this is completely normal but it is interesting to observe, nonetheless.

So my last two posts were big vents about my mom. Thanks to those of you who read and offered advice. She's gone now and my anxiety level is normal again. I actually just spent about an hour and a half composing an email to her to further set some boundaries about her time here and to tell her how stressed all of the holiday and post-baby arrangements are making me. I know she'll read it and say that she will do everything she can to help us, because deep-down, she's very level headed and reasonable and I love that about her. I haven't hit send yet because I want DH to read it first.

One thing I realized in the midst of all of the mom angst that makes me sad -- my dad used to be the one to help keep her obsessive and smothering behaviors in check. For example, when my brother went away to college, it nearly did her in. She was beside herself missing him. She wanted to go visit my brother too soon and my dad told her no. She listened. He balanced her out completely. I miss him so much!

S here's what's been happening with me and the babies:

-- My boy is moving like crazy, punching, stretching, and shifting into positions that frequently cramp his sister (and let's face it, me). Last ultrasound (on Tuesday of this week), he was measuring 3.6 lbs and everything looked fantastic. His position is either transverse or breech, depending on where he moves.

-- My girl is moving less, has less space to do so, and is low on amniotic fluid. Her approximate weight on Tuesday was 3.1 lbs. The doctor was pleased with her growth (indicating weight gain of about a pound over the past four weeks) and her movement during the u/s was also good. The amniotic fluid could become a big problem, so we're due back for another u/s on November 8. Doc said the only things that could impact the amniotic fluid are how much fluid I'm drinking and how much rest I'm getting. (Some days, I'm sure it's not enough of either, so I'm trying to do better.)

-- Baby Girl's placenta is on the front, so it could be making it harder for me to feel her movements. Doc said if I go a day without feeling her move, come in to see them immediately. With Baby Boy all over the place it is sometimes confusing whether it is him or her moving, but I'm really working at zeroing in on who's doing what so I can monitor her. I sometimes knock on her side of my abdomen and say, "Hello! Baby Girl?" Sometimes she responds with a knock back! I'm also trying to rub my belly more on her side. I realized that I do that a lot on Baby Boy's side because he tends to butt up to my lower rib and poke either his head or his behind out my side -- very uncomfortable! I try to gently push him back in so I am more comfortable. I realized that all of this touching him makes me feel more close to him and perhaps stimulates his movement. So I'm trying to touch her more, too, to stimulate her movement. This is my first realization (probably the first of many) that I may have been treating them differently in a way that is not good for one of them. Oh, I have so much to learn about that!

-- Doc said if Baby Girl's amniotic fluid doesn't improve, "extra monitoring" may be needed, which would mean additional office visits and possibly a non-stress test. It could ultimately mean they need to deliver the babies earlier than we'd like.

-- If amniotic fluid problem improves and all continues to go well, will I last until 36-37 weeks? Doc said maybe but he'd more likely predict 34 weeks. (Um, hello, that is the Saturday after Thanksgiving!)

-- Doc (this is the perinatologist I've been referring to) will consult with OB to determine best time for C section (most likely) and it likely will be scheduled a few weeks in advance.

-- I am scheduled to continue working 4 hours per day through November 15. That day cannot come soon enough!

-- At last OB appointment, my fundal height was 34 cm (and I was 29 weeks at the time).

-- My feet and ankles are swelling horrendously at times. I'm embarrassed to wear dresses and most of my previous maternity pants aren't comfortable now. I've got a few pairs of comfortable black knit pants that are somewhat like workout pants but somehow pass for something else, thank goodness, and one pair of black "dressy" pants I picked up on clearance at Target. Also picked up a few pairs of Old Navy leggings last weekend -- what a lifesaver those are.

-- Other than the swelling, I feel pretty good. No backaches unless I stay in bed too long. Oh, I'm having pain in my hands that feels like what must arthritis must feel like, but it's apparently more fluid retention. It comes overnight and goes in the morning when I start moving around again.

-- DH and I took three classes last week -- Baby Essentials for Multiples, Infant CPR, and Breastfeeding for Multiples. Instructors were excellent. The only class that overwhelmed me was the baby essentials one, which surprised me. I thought the breastfeeding class would do me in, but it seemed fairly do-able. We shall see!

-- Have had two showers now. One more to go - next Sunday afternoon. It should be a biggie. DH's mom is coming for it.

-- DH and I have been to the same pizza place every Friday night for at least 8 weeks now. It is my weekly indulgence in amazing pizza and a caffeinated beverage -- bliss!

I sure do admire all of you bloggers who post more frequent, brief posts. I wish I could discipline myself to do that because I know the long posts get old. Thank you to my friends out there who read them and comment. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend!

Belated Update

Well, I'm back! I can't really explain my absence . . . As I've caught up on some blogs I've been following (but not reading much of lately) this morning, I've realized how entirely out of the loop I've been. And I have wondered why I haven't taken the time to log on, read, and comment. Everything since early August (and probably the few weeks before that) is kind of a blur. I'll try to recap some of the high points (and low points):

- July was INSANE, work-wise. 'nough said.

- August included our vacation to see family, which I did post about, followed by three weeks of preparation to go part-time at work, which I also posted about. (Exhausting!)

- On August 31 (last day of the month and quarter, great time to buy a car) we finally made a decision about purchasing a larger vehicle and got a Mazda CX-9. It has three rows of seating, plus two car seats and an adult can fit in the middle row, AND a stroller can fit in the "way back" with the 3rd row of seating in use. Of course the trade-off is the gas mileage, which I hate. At least it's not like a Suburban or a Navigator or something huge like that. It is definitely bigger than the smaller crossovers but still on a car chassis, I believe, which makes it feel less truck-like.

- The day after we sealed the deal on the new car, I woke up with a sore throat, which lead to a week-long illness including infected sinuses, nasty green chest congestion, etc. At first the OB's office didn't want to give me an antibiotic and suggested I try over-the-counter remedies. After four days of that, I called and asked for the real meds. They called in a z.pack and that cleared it up within another four or five days. Not fun, and did I take any sick days from work during all of this? Nooo, of course not!

- At the beginning of my puny week, my brother and SIL came to visit and we went to see Jonathan Franzen speak/read at a local book festival. It was a nerd-fest, but I really enjoyed it. I loved The Corrections but haven't yet started his new book. He read from it and it sounds great.

- More about going part-time . . . It's now been 13 days of working at home, supposedly for just 4 hours per day. Well for the first 7 days, I averaged 6 hours per day, which really stressed me out because a full workday in my organization is 7.5 hours. I was feeling like I was wasting my leave hours. At the end of the day yesterday, I recalculated the average and now it's down to just below 5 hours per day. That's better. This week I truly did work only 4 to 4.5 hours each day.

It is REALLY nice to let go of some of my responsibilities, but at the same time it is strange to give up some of my role. I've still got the VP title but I am not feeling very VP these days because I don't know all that's happening within my organization anymore. I think this is a pretty good way to transition into several months of maternity leave, though, when I'll supposedly be totally disconnected. (And that will help me make a decision about returning to work, I'm sure.)

- In terms of baby preparation, let's see what there is to share . . . We bought two cribs and had them delivered a few weeks ago. I have done a LOT of thinking about nursery decor, but have made no decisions. Frankly, I dislike most of the coordinated decor sets that include bedding and offer everything from lampshades to diaper stackers to switchplates. I mean, if the theme is monkeys, it's like you're trapped in the monkey habitat at the zoo -- there are monkeys everywhere! It's just a little too much for me. We also bought a big, comfy glider rocker with gliding ottoman to match. Here's how we decided on the color for that: We're at one of the big baby superstores and meet this super-great saleswoman who's agreed to ring up each crib and the rocker/ottoman separately so we can use our three 20% off coupons; plus she's going to apply their 10% twin discount AND invites us to get the store credit card, which will give us another 10% off. So we're looking at saving like $500 on all of this. Then we find out we have to go with the color of the rocker in-store -- we can't select one of the other colors on the swatches next to the rocker because that's considered a custom order and the 20% coupon won't work. So I immediately say, "I like chocolate brown!" and was quite relieved to have a slight bit of direction in the nursery decor department.

- I have some baby showers on the calendar, too. Two of my good friends are hosting a shower on October 10. It will be a hodge-podge of long-time friends and work friends. I'm not one of those women who has a group of friends ("the girls") I spend time with simultaneously, so it will be an interesting mix of people, many of whom have never met. I don't really like being the center of attention -- especially when opening gifts -- so as the day approaches I'm sure I'll have some anxiety about the occasion. But really, everyone is sooo happy for me, and they're there to help celebrate. I shouldn't be anxious.... My boss is throwing a small shower for me and DH at her home, too... The biggie will be a church shower on November 7. It will include couples/families, thank goodness, so I will not be the only one opening gifts. DH, who knows most people at church a lot better than I do, will be as much the center of attention as I will be.

Okay, this post is getting long, I know. I have more to share, but will save it for another day. Future topics to cover -- how the babies are doing (great!), how my mom is doing (insanely happy, bordering on annoying), how I am doing (feeling huge and uncomfortable at times), baby registries, my new sewing machine (nursery decor indecision has lead me to DIY), etc.

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. It's good to be back!

Will get back on board soon

I have been out of the loop, big time, for several weeks now. To those of you whose blogs I've been following and commenting on, I'm sorry.

I'm approaching my big transition to part-time at work and it has been so much work! I've been in my job for 8 years and will be the first to admit that I am not the best manager of paper. My desk is huge and always covered with stacks of folders and things to read. My files are jam-packed. Now that I'm going part-time, someone else is coming in to cover for me. I've got to train her but also have to prep my office for her use. This is a big job, physicallly speaking, because I'm recycling reams of old stuff and I'm packing boxes to take home. The past two days I've overdone it because by the end of the day, I start to feel pressure deep in my abdomen. Once all of this is done and I'm working part time, I fully intend to get re-engaged with the blogosphere.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am fine, other than being tired. I'm 21 weeks along today. Happy Saturday!!

Back from vacation

We are back from an eight day trip to see family, also referred to as our farewell tour, since we won't get home again for at least nine months. We spent four days with my family and four days with DH's family.
We had a great time visiting with everyone. I got to see my dad's brothers and their families as well as a very special great-aunt. We saw DH's whole family, which is much larger than my immediate family. They actually threw us a surprise baby shower (with just family) one evening after dinner. Now that we know we're having a girl and a boy, my MIL went a bit crazy with the pink and blue outfits. But they were adorable. We also received two beautiful hand-made blankets. Oh! And DH's rocker-nephew gave us two AC/DC onesies, which I love because it will be so "irreverent" for little tiny babies to wear them. The interesting dynamic in DH's family is that our twins will be the third and fourth grandchildren, but their older cousins are in college. I think these babies are going to be SPOILED by the in-laws and their cousins.

We came home yesterday, giving me today to recuperate. This is very unlike us. We typically use every minute of vacation time, arriving back home late the night before we have to return to work. I'm really glad we did this because I needed today to unpack, do laundry, and get mentally prepared for work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I have just three more weeks in the office and then I'm going part-time and working from home. I'm pretty excited about the change but also a tad bit concerned about the loss of socialization. However, I think I'm going to need the extra time to rest.

Physically, I feel huge, but I know I am not. However, there's no question I'm pregnant now. People are starting to look at me in public. I guess I have to get used to that. I'm pretty much wearing only maternity clothes now. Thanks to a friend who gave me two big bags of clothes and a few trips to some local consignment stores, I feel like I have some options in the wardrobe department. When the weather turns cooler, though, I'll have to find some new stuff. Of course in Atlanta, that won't be until October at the earliest.

I've been reading a book by a Dr. Barbara Luke about having multiples that I bought used for less than $1.00. It hasn't scared me, but it has made me much more aware of the possibility of a preterm delivery -- and I mean really early, not just 36 weeks. Dr. Luke's recommendation for staving off preterm labor and delivering normal birth-weight multiples is to gain 50 lbs. if you're having twins, and to gain much of it early. Well, that's not happening. I have finally gained the 10 lbs. back that I lost in May and June and have probably added 5-10 lbs. on top of that. My appetite is definitely huge compared to what it normally is, but she says I should eat 3,500 calories a day. Unless I'm going to eat junk food (Krispy Kremes every day, perhaps?) to supplement my fairly healthy diet, I'll never reach that goal.

I've got 12 days until we go back to the doctor. Chances are good that in about a week (maybe less), I'll be on the train to crazytown, worried about the babies. I think I'm definitely feeling movement, especially from the boy, but not so much from the girl. It could be her position, I suppose. Or as someone said, maybe the boy is just being a typical boy.

While we were out of town, I didn't have a computer with internet access (just my blackberry), so I am way behind on reading blogs. I did do a quick read of several updates last night, but didn't comment. I'll reconnect soon. Hope everyone is doing well!

It's a boy . . . and a girl!

I have been largely absent from the blogosphere for the past week or two because work has been insanely busy. We had six important deadlines yesterday and we met them all. I am thinking I can now coast a little bit -- after working 10 and 11-hour days for at least a week and a half.

Yesterday we had back-to-back doctor's appointments, first with the OB and then with the perinattologist.

At the OB's they did the doppler heart monitor and the babies are doing great. Their heartbeats were both around 140 beats per minute. The doctor "measured" my midsection -- I thought he was going to bring out a measuring tape, but he just felt the height of my uterus on top of my abdomen. Interestingly, he said if I were having one baby, I'd be measuring about 20 weeks, but since there are two, it makes sense that I'm this size at 17 weeks. (This explains why I feel so giant next to my colleague who is only one week behind me in her singleton pregnancy.) I also had blood drawn for the AFP (alpha-fetoprotein) test that screens for an elevated risk of various chromosomal and other abnormalities. It will take 3 weeks for the results, but I'm just going to assume it's all good since we did the full chromosomal screen on the embryos and they were normal.

At the perinatologist's office, I asked if we could videotape the monitor during the u/s and was told no, unfortunately. They used to do that but too many patients took their videos home, saw things they didn't understand, and started freaking out, calling the office and asking crazy questions they don't really have time to answer. Something also happened that involved a lawyer, so now they don't do it anymore.

The sonographer asked if we wanted to find out the gender and I assured her: YES! So first we learned that Baby B is a boy -- he was proudly displaying his manhood for all the world to see. On the other hand, Baby A was being a bit coy at first, but after several minutes, the sonographer declared that Baby A is a girl. I breathed a big sigh of relief and let out a big, "Yay!" DH and I are both very pleased with this outcome. Later I asked the doctor -- after he repeated the ultrasound just to get a look at them himself -- how sure he is about the genders. He replied with a smile, "I am 100% sure that Baby B is a boy. And I am 100% sure that Baby A is a girl." Good enough!

Thank you, CCRM embryologists, for selecting a boy and a girl. CCRM absolutely will not discuss the gender of your embryos with you. They say, "We don't do gender selection." I had hoped that with five good embryos to choose from, they'd try to pick one of each.

Back to the sonographer's look at A and B. We had about 20-25 minutes to watch what she was doing. She inspected, photographed, and measured all kinds of things -- the heart, the brain, the abdomen, the spine, and more. I was chatting away, commenting on what we saw. We could see the heart pumping away and could actually see the two ventricles! I asked how big it really is -- maybe the size of a bean? She measured and it was 1.4 cm x 1.8 cm! She also measured one of the femurs for me and it's about an inch long. Amazing! Oh, the ultrasound assesses their weight (based on all of the measurements they take, I suppose) and Baby A is 8 oz. and Baby B is 7 oz. The What to Expect When You're Expecting book says at 17 weeks, a baby is about the size of the palm of your hand.

So apparently, everything looks good. We go back to both doctors at the end of August. I am so happy that things are progressing well. I'm feeling really good and so much more energetic than I was during the first trimester.

I've got one more week of work and then a week off for vacation to go see our families. I've been jokingly telling people that this is our last trip EVER. I'm sure that's not so, but it will be a while.

Hope everyone is doing well. Happy Saturday!

16 week update

I didn't mean for 2 weeks to pass between posts, but I've been busier lately. I'm feeling much, much better -- normal, even -- and it's a really good thing because work has gotten super-demanding the past few weeks. I think this week, I never left the office before 7 p.m. On Thursday and Friday I was there until 8 p.m. I have three major deadlines next Friday and am spending as much time as possible trying to meet them. However, I refuse to work this weekend. I hope I don't regret that decision next week, but I've got to give myself a break.

In addition to work demands, we've been researching cars, car seats and stollers. Who knew all of that was so complicated? Today we are going to look at a few more cars and then we have a wedding late this afternoon, which should be a lot of fun.

I have my next ultrasound next Friday -- I can't wait! I've worried some about how they are doing, but my concerns haven't gotten out of control, thank goodness. I do think I felt some movement twice on Thursday -- so cool! -- but nothing since then. I will definitely update after the ultrasound.

Have a great weekend, everyone!