Two strikes...

Today I learned that our second IVF attempt was unsuccessful. They did the egg retrieval yesterday and only got 3 eggs. I knew that wasn't good news and I wasn't surprised at all when the embryologist called this morning to let me know that none of them fertilized. This protocol my doc chose this time -- more agressive than the first attempt -- simply didn't work. We had good numbers of eggs but my estrogen and progesterone were all over the place. The E2 was only 600-something so it makes sense that we only got 3 eggs.

I don't understand why my eggs and his sperm just don't want to get together! We are crazy about each other, so what's the deal with our eggs and sperm?? Last time only 2 of 7 eggs fertilized.

I am really confused about what comes next. This cycle of treatment was really difficult -- lots of side effects to the meds I was on. Glucophage destroyed my appetite and gave me great aversions to foods I normally crave.

I am tempted to throw in the towel and get on with my life... But I'm afraid that one day I will regret not trying all 3 times. We have 3 times paid for with the Attain program we're on.

My life will be so different if we don't have children. I'll probably end up as an executive who spends too much time at work. The unknowns are actually greater with kids -- will I be a full-time stay at home mom? Will I work part-time? Will I find a way to balance working full-time and being a mom? Will I be able to keep advancing in my career and be a good mom?

When I put it like that, I prefer the unknown, with opportunities to have some variety in my life. Becoming an executive who spends too much time at work doesn't sound very appealing. Time will tell.

For now I will grieve the loss of this cycle.

Moving on after miscarriage

It's been a rough time for me lately. I did end up having a miscarriage, but no D and C. I sort of wish I had a D and C because I've been bleeding off and on for like 5 or 6 weeks. Every time I think it's done, I get surprised again.

My doctor is monitoring my HCG -- they have to make sure it goes back to zero. A week and a half ago it was 32. It is CREEPING down! I go back in three days for another check. Hopefully it will have hit zero by then.

I have had a wide range of emotions during this time. I had been so proud of my "even" approach to all of this. Well, that is out the window. I've felt sorry for myself, I've felt depressed, I've felt jealous of a friend and her husband who told us she was 10 weeks pregnant at the same moment we said, "Yes, it looks like the IVF worked." (She is still pregnant, and looking so. Grrr.) I've felt confused about whether this is all worth it, I've wondered if I really want to have a child, I've thought and thought and thought about how OLD my husband and I are. Maybe we should just choose to be childless and get on with our lives. I read something about making that choice -- to be childless -- on the Resolve web site.

At one point, not sure how to pray about all of this, I thought that this would be my prayer:

God, I'm going to do IVF. If it doesn't work, you are going to have to practically drop a baby into our house. This is what I'm doing. Anything else has to come from you.

I went to a seminar about relationships during infertility treatment and met some great women who are all struggling with the same thing. Turns out, most of them know each other through Resolve support groups in the area. I was encouraged by meeting all of them more than the content of the session.

The day of our last HCG check, a week and a half ago, we met with our doc for a consult. She is going to change the protocol for our next attempt. It's more aggressive. We have to wait for my period to start naturally. Who knows when that will be, since I'm still lightly bleeding from the m/c.

Last week, my god daughter, who is 10, came to stay with us for five nights. She was a volunteer with the children's summer camp at the organization where I work. I've known her since the day she was born. I was her first babysitter. I love this kid. She's the closest thing I've got to a child. Having her here helped me remember why we are doing this. I think we'd be great parents. We have a lot of love to give. Our lives would be enriched deeply by having a child in the mix. So we will see.

I am skipping church this morning because they are having a baby dedication AND it's Father's Day. My dad died four and a half years ago. I just didn't think church would be a good choice for me today. My husband is there but I didn't want to do it. I've been thinking a lot about my dad the past few days. He was a great dad. He spent lots of time with me and I know he loved me a lot. I am proud of the characteristics I inherited from him. It makes me feel connected to him when I sense that something within me was also in him. I miss him a lot. I love you, Dad! Happy Father's Day.