Before the good news came

So the news that we actually have five genetically normal embryos is beginning to sink in - sort of. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but it's not like I'm actually pregnant yet. However, our chances are significantly better than they've ever been. And yes, Pie, that feels great! (And a little bit surreal, to tell you the truth.)

Each time we've gotten good news since going to CCRM, as it begins to sink in, DH and I will share a moment where he usually says, "And I can't believe we were ready to give up." And we ponder together for a few moments about our doc in Atlanta and we wonder out loud what she was thinking telling us to adopt or consider egg donation. Thank goodness she could tell we weren't ready to go there and she suggested we talk to Dr. Babycraft.

I have mixed feelings about the clinic in Atlanta. I love the people there; they're all very personable and professional (much, much more so than the people at the first Atlanta clinic I tried -- readers in Georgia, email me if you want the skinny with clinic names and all). But they just couldn't get the job done. And the thing is, with CCRM, things have been nothing but a string of successes. Makes us wonder how much time and money we wasted in Atlanta. If only we had known!

When we first considered the idea of going to Denver -- when our doc here recommended the possibility -- she actually said only people who have money growing on trees go out of town for treatment. Really? Truth be told, if you're already paying for all of this, the cost of airfare, hotel and food just isn't much more. And if we had gone to Denver FIRST, before paying out of pocket for 5 IUIs and participating in the Attain program to pay for IVF and buying all of those medications, we would have saved tons of money, enough to start a really good college fund. So, if you're trying to figure out what to do, Dear Readers, my advice would be to consider another clinic out of town sooner rather than later if things aren't working at home. I would venture to say that the biggest consideration for many people might be the time away from work. If I hadn't been in my job for more than 7 years and saved up more than 400 hours of sick leave, being out for a week and a half would have been a difficult thing.

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Over dinner last night I confessed to my husband how down I've been (deep down on the inside) the past few weeks. He was kind of surprised when I shared about some moments where I felt so heavy inside, like everything in the world is completely screwed up. "Everything" ranges:

• from the U.S. Congress, unable to create passable healthcare legislation
• to the economy that's causing universities and so many vital government-funded programs to slash budgets and eliminate critical services that make a huge difference in so many lives
• to my husband's totally insane client who hasn't paid him and is oblivious to the fact that she has made him question his career choice and has jeopardized his reputation because he's chosen to represent her
• to women who commit to do 50 hours of volunteer service before May at a local children's hospital but to date have 0 hours, seem unconcerned about it, and probably think I'm going to lie about it for them (not)
• to so, so many couples who want to have children and would be great parents but just can't seem to get there, or in getting there, go through so much heartache

Wow, what a depressing post this is! That is not my intent. I am just getting some recent thoughts out so I can hopefully find a more positive attitude. I can't attribute the dark thoughts and feelings to simply waiting for test results. It's just waiting in general. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm tired of waiting to find out what my life will be like going forward. I have lots of mixed feelings about my job but there's nothing I can do until I sort out the parenthood question. This makes me feel stuck in a big way. And I guess when I feel stuck, I have a tendency to get really pessimistic on the inside.

DH said -- after I gave some examples for why everything in the world is so screwed up and why this depresses me -- "Is this why you've been so crabby lately?" He said this with a chuckle. I thought he was joking but I said, "I have?" and he laughed out loud and assured me that I had not.

I am relieved that thanks to the news we got yesterday, we're now beginning a new chapter in this story. I'm closer to a resolution. And right here and now, in the presence of all the blogosphere, I'm recommitting to my regimen: walking, water, no caffeine, and electro-acupuncture. And in the process, I'll hopefully shake the stuck feeling (and the pessimistic thoughts) as I move forward. I'm off to the treadmill!