Back on track

Well, I forgot to post an update that AF did finally arrive -- and in time to keep things on schedule. I started BCPs the other day and today I start Lupron, too. I've never done a frozen transfer so this is all new to me.

I haven't had a lot to write about, which is why I haven't, but I feel like posting a few random things. Here goes . . .

We are moving forward on our backyard project and I'm getting really excited. The contractor we've chosen has caught on that we want to move quickly. In a private conversation, I explained the birthday celebration idea (DH is turning 50 Memorial Day weekend) and the contractor all but guaranteed me they could get it done in time. He also is reasonable about our budget and wants to do everything he can to get as much done as possible for that amount. I like that. In contrast, one of the guys we didn't pick -- from a company with a slick web site and small but very nice showroom -- wanted us to pay more than $3,000 to go through a master planning phase, after which we would determine how much we could do within our budget and how long it would take. As much as I know those people would do excellent work, there's no way I was going there. They were selling a Mercedes and I need a Volkswagen.

We are taking a bold step in this project just for our frozen embryos -- we are regrading a grassy area of the backyard for a play area. Sound completely insane? Don't worry, we aren't installing a swing set... And the regrading sort of needs to be done anyway to control water that flows down and wreaks havoc on the rest of the yard (that's what got us into this mess to begin with). Plus, it's just more practical to do it now as part of the big project. The area isn't visible from many windows in our home, so if the embryos never grow into running, playing children, it's not like I'll have to look at the flat grassy area every day and imagine them there. I hope. I guarantee you, if that happens, I will repurpose that space so it doesn't haunt me for the rest of my days.

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There are now three couples in our small church who are expecting. One couple is our really good friends and I'm quite excited for them. (I posted about our conversation with them several weeks ago when they shared the news with us and he tried to get me to yell and curse at him.) The other two couples I don't know well, but I'm happy for them, too. Getting it in my head that the alternative to being happy for someone who is pregnant is wishing they were infertile made it a lot easier for me to be happy for women I know who are pregnant. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them and discuss every little detail of their pregnancies, but I don't find it upsetting to sit two rows behind them in church.

Speaking of church and pregnancies, we have the best pastor. When he found out about our good friends who are pregnant, he called DH to give him a heads up because he didn't want us to hear from someone else. DH assured him that we were some of the first ones to know after their families and that we've travelled the IF road with them for a few years now. I thought it was so kind that he made that call, though. He's looking out for us.

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Work is going better. Feeling a little less like drudgery. Stressful days in relation to my colleague who's been diagnosed with breast cancer. We had a scare this week because after what was expected to be a simple procedure, they thought they'd discovered that it had spread and she would need chemo immediately. But with the pathology report that came in a few days later, they said chemo isn't necessarily needed just yet.

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Today's the first day in like 14 days when I didn't have to jump up first thing in the morning and go fulfill some kind of work-related or volunteer-related commitment. It's so wonderful! It's going to be a good day. There's nothing I absolutely have to do. This afternoon we are going to a six-year-old birthday party for my godson -- can't wait to see him, his sister and his mom and dad! Gotta run now to the pharmacy and pick up my Lupron.

What do you think?

Something occurred to me a few days ago before I got distracted by AF's delay (she still isn't here yet) . . .  I was thinking about the transfer scheduled for late April, the two-week wait, and the fact that without a doubt, my mom and mother-in-law will each in her own special way display heightened interest in all of this.

Here's what I'm curious about: what if I informed the moms that I'm going to stop giving the play-by-play after the transfer until I'm ready to share the outcome with them? This idea appeals to me.

Is it selfish?
Has anyone tried something like this? If so, how did it work?

I think it could help me manage the highs and lows of the 2ww and the first several weeks of pregnancy. It could give us the opportunity to try to surprise our moms with a more traditional pregnancy announcement at a time when we're ready to share it.

What do you think?

The HPT

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the thought that possibly, just possibly, I had conceived naturally made me feel like the Earth was going to tilt off its axis and screw up the seasons, the tides, the length of a day, and whatever else depends on it. (Did you know that the earthquake in Chile caused the Earth to shift on its axis and actually shortened the length of a day by 1.26 millionths of a second?)

So thank goodness for all of us. All is right with the world. I am not preggers. Not yet.

I had never tried a digital HPT (and I'm not so much into HPTs anyway) but one came free with a package of OPKs, so I used it this morning. It was rather insulting, blinking at me like that: "Not Pregnant." "Not Pregnant." "Not Pregnant." I breathed a sigh of relief, tossed it in the garbage, and went about my day.

Relief? Well, yes, pretty much. I mean what if it had been positive? I would have been scared to death that the one embryo that finally decided to stick was genetically abnormal -- unlike the fabulous five embryos waiting for me in Denver that passed their genetic tests with flying colors. My Plan is to have a transfer on April 22. Any veering off The Plan is just not acceptable at this point. 

I found out that I have until Monday for AF to arrive. If she doesn't arrive by Monday, then The Plan will have to change. Please AF, come and see me!

CD 29? That doesn't happen . . .

I'm a bit unsettled today because my cycle was supposed to start and it didn't. And I am super-regular. AF arrives every 28 days like clockwork. The FET schedule is built upon today being Day One, not Day Twenty-nine. (Actually, to make matters worse, I miscounted and the FET schedule is built upon yesterday being CD One.) Now I'm going to be at least two days behind on the path to an April 22 transfer . . . Or . . .

Dare I even think?

There's no way.

Is there?

Summer plans

I think my good news from a week ago has finally found a place to settle in my heart and mind. Last night over dinner with one of our best friends, in reference to what I'm going to be doing when my husband is out of the country the second week in June, I said, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet, because I'm going to be pregnant." It just rolled off my tongue so easily! If we transfer two embryos and each has about a 70% chance of making it, I just know it's got to work. Obviously, it may not, but work with me here. I sound hopeful for once! Let's just enjoy this, okay?

In other news, I am leading the charge on finally getting started on a major backyard renovaton project we've been dreaming about for a few years now. Because Atlanta had a 500-year rain last September, all hell has broken loose in our sloped backyard. It is a huge mess involving our deck, which is literally about to fall off the side of our house, and a retaining wall at the bottom of the slope, which is right next to our pool, into which mud could slide any day now. Do we have the cash for this project? Of course not. But we have to do parts of it because the water is only going to cause more and more damage to our property. And mud in the pool could be a real disaster.

So just to keep myself motivated on this project, I invited all of my husband's immediate family (9 people) to come to Atlanta for Memorial Day weekend. It is DH's birthday and he is turning 50! I'm planning to totally surprise him with a party -- a backyard party. He loves his family and so do I, so I hope it all works out. He's not an extrovert, so as I was thinking of what he would like to do for his big milestone birthday, and I thought he'd be thrilled to have his siblings, their spouses, a much beloved niece and nephew, and dear mother show up to celebrate. I can't wait. I'm secretly telling the contractors about this celebration, but in DH's presence, I keep saying, "This has to be done by Memorial Day Weekend. I must float in my pool when summer kicks off!!" He hasn't questioned my insistence because he loves to float in the pool more than I do.

Nothing much more to report. In IF-land, I'm waiting for AF to arrive next week so I can get started on this FET-prep protocol. My drug-free weeks are about to be over.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

Before the good news came

So the news that we actually have five genetically normal embryos is beginning to sink in - sort of. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but it's not like I'm actually pregnant yet. However, our chances are significantly better than they've ever been. And yes, Pie, that feels great! (And a little bit surreal, to tell you the truth.)

Each time we've gotten good news since going to CCRM, as it begins to sink in, DH and I will share a moment where he usually says, "And I can't believe we were ready to give up." And we ponder together for a few moments about our doc in Atlanta and we wonder out loud what she was thinking telling us to adopt or consider egg donation. Thank goodness she could tell we weren't ready to go there and she suggested we talk to Dr. Babycraft.

I have mixed feelings about the clinic in Atlanta. I love the people there; they're all very personable and professional (much, much more so than the people at the first Atlanta clinic I tried -- readers in Georgia, email me if you want the skinny with clinic names and all). But they just couldn't get the job done. And the thing is, with CCRM, things have been nothing but a string of successes. Makes us wonder how much time and money we wasted in Atlanta. If only we had known!

When we first considered the idea of going to Denver -- when our doc here recommended the possibility -- she actually said only people who have money growing on trees go out of town for treatment. Really? Truth be told, if you're already paying for all of this, the cost of airfare, hotel and food just isn't much more. And if we had gone to Denver FIRST, before paying out of pocket for 5 IUIs and participating in the Attain program to pay for IVF and buying all of those medications, we would have saved tons of money, enough to start a really good college fund. So, if you're trying to figure out what to do, Dear Readers, my advice would be to consider another clinic out of town sooner rather than later if things aren't working at home. I would venture to say that the biggest consideration for many people might be the time away from work. If I hadn't been in my job for more than 7 years and saved up more than 400 hours of sick leave, being out for a week and a half would have been a difficult thing.

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Over dinner last night I confessed to my husband how down I've been (deep down on the inside) the past few weeks. He was kind of surprised when I shared about some moments where I felt so heavy inside, like everything in the world is completely screwed up. "Everything" ranges:

• from the U.S. Congress, unable to create passable healthcare legislation
• to the economy that's causing universities and so many vital government-funded programs to slash budgets and eliminate critical services that make a huge difference in so many lives
• to my husband's totally insane client who hasn't paid him and is oblivious to the fact that she has made him question his career choice and has jeopardized his reputation because he's chosen to represent her
• to women who commit to do 50 hours of volunteer service before May at a local children's hospital but to date have 0 hours, seem unconcerned about it, and probably think I'm going to lie about it for them (not)
• to so, so many couples who want to have children and would be great parents but just can't seem to get there, or in getting there, go through so much heartache

Wow, what a depressing post this is! That is not my intent. I am just getting some recent thoughts out so I can hopefully find a more positive attitude. I can't attribute the dark thoughts and feelings to simply waiting for test results. It's just waiting in general. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm tired of waiting to find out what my life will be like going forward. I have lots of mixed feelings about my job but there's nothing I can do until I sort out the parenthood question. This makes me feel stuck in a big way. And I guess when I feel stuck, I have a tendency to get really pessimistic on the inside.

DH said -- after I gave some examples for why everything in the world is so screwed up and why this depresses me -- "Is this why you've been so crabby lately?" He said this with a chuckle. I thought he was joking but I said, "I have?" and he laughed out loud and assured me that I had not.

I am relieved that thanks to the news we got yesterday, we're now beginning a new chapter in this story. I'm closer to a resolution. And right here and now, in the presence of all the blogosphere, I'm recommitting to my regimen: walking, water, no caffeine, and electro-acupuncture. And in the process, I'll hopefully shake the stuck feeling (and the pessimistic thoughts) as I move forward. I'm off to the treadmill!

Results!

I don't have time to say much right now, but I simply cannot wait to share the results, which I received this afternoon.

Out of our six frozen embryos, FIVE are normal. I can hardly believe it. I was hoping for at least two.

FIVE!!!!!

I am so ecstatically happy. Projected FET date is April 22.

So glad I got this info before the weekend.

Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement, prayers, and support!

Now I'm going out to dinner to celebrate with my husband.... More later!