Tuesday, March 10, 2009

IVF, here we come

After five failed IUIs (intrauterine inseminations), we're turning to IVF. Interesting timing, considering all the news about the Octomom and the my state legislature's consideration of a bill that would essentially put fertility clinics out of business in this state. I was hoping my instincts were right -- that the bill doesn't stand a chance of passing -- and after the hearing last week, it sounds like they were.

We had a detailed consult with our doctor, who is GREAT, a week and a half ago. Then yesterday we had the required meeting with the counselor on staff at the practice. It went fine. No tears, although she made the box of Kleenex readily available to me before we got started. My husband and I looked at each other and laughed.

But our meeting with the counselor turned into a good conversation. As I was talking about my outlook on the situation I explained that I've had a lot of grief in my life already, so I wouldn't say that I've grieved every month when we learned that yet another IUI had failed. You see, I'm not one to stockpile home pregnancy tests in anticipation of the end of the month. I actually never tested at home for any of my IUIs. I've seen friends do that and make themselves crazy over the results. I'd rather wait for something definitive like a blood test and focus on something else until it's time. I'm sharing all of this to help explain that I'm somewhat distanced emotionally from what's going on. I sound as cool as Obama, don't I?

It's really not that easy. I have my moments. But for the most part, I'm feeling okay about all of this. It's either going to happen or it's not, right? If it doesn't, I'll figure that out when the time comes.

So back to what I was saying. As I was talking to the counselor and explaining my "grief history," I told her that it would be pretty easy for me to look at all of this and decide that life is hopeless, but that I choose not to do that. I'd never thought about that so when I said it, it felt profound for me personally -- that hope is my choice. I am grateful to have made that choice.

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