A big anniversary and an even bigger birthday

I just realized -- as I was going to write a bit about my very happy 40th birthday last weekend -- that yesterday was the one-year anniversary of our fantastic retrieval at CCRM -- the day my 11-week-old twins were conceived! The day came and went and I didn't think about it once. I think this means I've lost all concept of time, but there's a pretty good explanation for that!

I need to find some good resources for multiples. Does anyone have any blogs or books to recommend? I'd love to connect with some twin moms who are bloggers and I also am looking for practical information about how to handle twins when you're alone with them. I'm trying to implement a schedule for the babies and it works pretty well when DH and I are here to do things simultaneously. It's those times when I'm flying solo that I get overwhelmed and very frustrated.

Speaking of the schedule, we are following some of what they recommend through Moms On Call. They're an Atlanta-based group of pediatric nurses who are also moms. They have a couple of online courses that are only $30. I did the infant one and it was quite helpful in terms of thinking about a schedule, but it didn't offer any suggestions for how to implement things for twins. Apparently you have to do an in-home consult ($350 for twins) to get that information. I'm trying to avoid that expense because there aren't many things we need help figuring out at this point. We learned a LOT from the NICU nurses.

So my birthday. It was great! The past few years have been depressing because of infertility. This year would have been super-depressing had we not finally achieved success. My unspoken goal was to have a baby before 40, so I was just deeply contented about the whole birthday thing. I have an old friend who's turning 40 in a few days and he is totally dreading it and freaking out. I had none of that, thankfully. It was a really good day, highlighted by the fact that it was 70 degrees in Atlanta and we got out of the house with the twins to go somewhere other than the pediatrician's office. Everything was casual and spontaneous, just the way I like things.

The babies are doing well, letting us sleep a little bit more. I actually got 6-7 hours last night in two separate "shifts." Thanks to Moms on Call we are letting them "cry it out" a little bit. One baby is a big crier while the other one is not. Makes for interesting bedtimes and naptimes. Thankfully the non-crier also can sleep through just about anything!

Okay, I gotta run. Thank you in advance for any blog or book suggestions!

Home alone and happy

Tonight is the third night that we are home ALONE with the twins. I am loving it. We are managing just fine, despite my mother's concerns that we couldn't do it. (I'm not sure if her concern wasn't a bit feigned in order to mask her desire to stay on and continue helping out -- she developed a strong, uh, "attachment" to the babies during her nearly two-month stay with us.... And yes, two months. It was complicated by the holidays. I couldn't send her packing around Christmas, which was when we really started to feel able to handle things alone.)

I'm beginning to feel like a mom. It's pretty cool! Exhausting, but wonderful. Worth the wait.

The twins had their two-month checkup this week. They're both around 9 lbs now and very healthy. The doctor even said normally he'd want to see them at three months, too, but we could just bring them back at four months unless we have concerns to address.

That's all for now. Sleep is calling because the babies are sleeping and probaby will for the next hour and a half (if I'm lucky).... See? I am capable of brevity!

Premature Parenthood

I've been thinking about how to summarize the past two months without too much or too little detail. I think I will break it down into topics such as:

-- when your pregnancy is cut short and you're not ready
-- when things don't go according to the birth plan
-- handling multiple weeks with a baby in the NICU
-- making it through the holidays under the above circumstances
-- figuring out what kind of help to request, accept, or deny from family and friends
-- what they didn't tell me about breastfeeding
-- what about our remaining embryos at CCRM?

Today I'll start with the first on the list:  premature parenthood. My twins were born at 32 weeks, 6 days. Interestingly, even though they were just one hour shy of 33 weeks, they were "32 weekers" according to the NICU. I hated that and always wished they could just call them 33 weekers because that would have sounded much better to me.

The fact that my pregnancy ended three weeks before my goal of 36 weeks was extremely difficult for me for the first several weeks and it still is, in some ways. At my first OB appointment last June, we sat in the office of a doctor I'd never met before and he told us that if I made it to mid-December it would be a miracle. Well that became my goal. Mid-December.

For weeks after the birth, which was on November 19, I couldn't stop thinking about how things happened, how surprised I was by it all, and how unprepared I felt. My last day at work had been that Monday and the babies arrived that Friday so I missed out on a lot of preparation and anticipation and nesting time. In addition to the distress of having to leave our newborns at the hospital when I was discharged, this was the dominant theme running through my mind and it just broke my heart -- I wasn't pregnant anymore. This sounds stupid, I know, considering I had two babies to think about.  But after all of those years of trying so hard to get pregnant, I just wasn't ready to not be pregnant. I felt like my body had failed the babies and I thought a lot about what I could have done to prevent such a premature birth and to keep the twins from having to stay in the NICU.

Just the other day, I read this:

"Having a premature baby has been likened by some experts to experiencing the death of a child. Parents grieve the loss of the healthy full-term newborn they pictured they'd take home, as well as of the normal pregnancy, delivery, and birth they were expecting. Don't forget that your parenthood, too, was premature, and you probably missed out on some important and meaningful social rituals that would have helped prepare you to take your baby home. You may not have completed your parenting class, had a baby shower, exulted in a celebration after delivery with your family and friends. Most parents of preemies don't realize how deep their deprivation is, or if they do, they may feel guilty about it. It doesn't feel right to mourn an imagined baby, or your own unmet needs, when you have a baby alive, and at home."
From "Preemies: The Essential Guide for Parents of Premature Babies" by Dana Wechsler Linden, Emma Trenti Paroli, and Mia Wechsler Doron, M.D. [This book is an excellent resource, by the way.]

Reading the above quote gave me some validation for how I felt those first several weeks. I believe I had known that I needed to emotionally prepare myself to not be pregnant anymore and I think it was on my mental list of things to do before I reached 36 weeks (along with things like finish the nursery, get caught up on thank you notes, read up some more on breastfeeding, etc., etc.). Not being  prepared to let go of being pregnant -- knowing I may never be pregnant again --  taught me how much I truly loved being pregnant. (A surprise to me, because as we struggled to beat IF and we considered all of the options, I said I wasn't the kind of woman who needed to experience pregnancy to feel like my life is complete.) Sure, my pregnancy was physically challenging in a variety of ways and toward the end I was pretty miserable with the swelling in my legs and feet. But I still loved it. I loved the anticipation of what was to come. I loved the excitement that people had for us. I enjoyed the success we finally achieved, after more than three very long years of trying to conceive. I treasured how "charmed" our CCRM experience had been. And I celebrated with each passing week that I wasn't on bed rest and seemed to be doing so well.

Of course, I realize as I write this that I can still enjoy our success and treasure the CCRM experience. Premature birth doesn't take that away. Nothing can!

During those first weeks, I could only talk about my feelings with DH because I figured anyone else would think I was crazy (and dear readers, if YOU think I'm crazy, please don't comment and tell me I'm wrong for feeling this way). Eventually, I think he gently said to me, "I think you need to let this go" -- or something like that -- and I realized he was right. I couldn't dote on the fact that I didn't get what I wanted. I needed to accept what had happened as part of this journey and move on. After all, that's life, right?

I've definitely begun to put aside the feelings of disappointment and failure and I've also begun to see the positives of not being pregnant anymore -- for starters, I'm 50 pounds lighter and can move around easily again. As we watched the babies grow and thrive week by week in the NICU, it helped to count those weeks as if I were still pregnant, especially as we surpassed 36 weeks. And we reached 40 weeks last Saturday -- what a milestone!

I know this is an awfullly introspective  (and some would say selfish) post, but I needed to put it out there. Perhaps it will help someone else. All of this certainly caught me off guard. I had no idea I would feel most of what I've described.

Until next time,
Susie

I'm back, I'm back!

I'm really excited. I'm back! I have missed this community so, so much over the past 7-8 weeks. I have much to share and much to catch up on with other bloggers. I have now caught up on a few of my bloggy friends and there's exciting stuff going on!

AuntieEm is transferring two embryos at CCRM this afternoon! Pie had her baby girl on Monday. AmyG is 35 weeks along and still playing gigs with her band.

Today's special for me, too. For the first time, I've been home alone with my babies -- for the past hour and a half -- and this is pure bliss. (Of course they are both sleeping like angels at the moment.) My mom left today after nearly eight weeks. Like people said I would, I cried after she left. I watched DH back out of the driveway and then they drove away. Just like that. At first I had a fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach and then I started to cry. But soon the tears dried up and I realized that this is the first time I've been home alone since the afternoon of the day the babies were born. The past 7-8 weeks are a big blur but I need to sort some things out and process what happened, so I'll be sharing some of that in upcoming posts.

For now, I want to say that I'm back and how grateful I am that this online community exists. Prior to the births (and even prior to my going part-time at work after Labor Day) I had imagined that I'd not lose touch like I did . . . . I had actually imagined being more present in the blogosphere . . . . but it was just so difficult to find the privacy and time to log on, particularly since mid-November. Aside from DH, almost no one IRL knows about this blog and I didn't want to out myself to family.

Happy 2011, everyone! May it be a great year for us all.

Susie

An update from the NICU

I am enjoying a rare moment -- it's quiet, I'm alone, I'm NOT attached to a breast pump, and I'm warm, comfortable, and fairly awake. I'm not sure the last time this happened.... I've wanted to post for days on end -- and I've really NEEDED to post, for sanity's sake -- but the opportunity and energy just haven't been there until now.

The babies are 3 weeks, 4 days old today -- gestational age is 36 weeks, 3 days. Both babies are still in the NICU, but they have graduated to a different section -- where babies go before they get discharged. We have been there since November 29 and may be there for another week or so.

One or two people asked for names and photos of the babies. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Obviously, since I haven't posted my own photo and I don't use my real name, I'm interested in protecting my privacy. Naturally, I want to do the same for the twins. I'd like to come up with good blog names for them at some point, but for now, Baby Boy and Baby Girl will have to suffice.

So, life in the NICU . . . How shall I describe it? It is often beautiful and wonderful, because it is the place where your babies are. And many other beautiful premature babies and their parents are there, too, along with nurses who know and care so much. But it is also cold and impersonal and deeply frustrating because it is the place where your babies are (it is not home). Along with other premature babies, some of whom are much sicker than your own, who make you feel grateful that yours don't have greater complications -- and some of whom are making progress much faster than your own, and you experience for the first time what it's like to compare your child to another or to compare yourself to another parent, wondering why your child is lagging behind and whether there's anything you can do to improve your child's outcomes.

There are moments when your NICU experience -- well, my NICU experience, I should say -- makes me feel more like a visitor or a babysitter than a parent. I mean, for weeks, I had to ask a nurse if I could pick up one of my babies. I still have to ask, "Do you want me to change her diaper?" when I know good and well that it's time to do that. I never imagined this as I anticipated getting an HCG level high enough for it to indicate I was pregnant. It is simply odd to have someone else "in charge" of what you do as a parent.

Yet there are moments when it isn't odd at all. You -- well, I -- feel deep, deep gratitude that this expert person is there to teach me what to do and when to do it. It makes me wonder what in the world parents who don't get all of this hands-on training DO when it's time to take their tiny babies home -- even full-term babies! They are still small and utterly dependent on you.

I am pretty sure that I have cried more during the past three weeks than I have in the past year, at least. I'm not a cryer. But the hormones, the stress, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty and fear... all of that together plays a number on me and meltdowns have sometimes been a daily occurence. Oh and the mood swings are crazy! I'm not a moody girl, but oh my gosh!! I've noticed that within minutes, I've gone from feeling desperate and hopeless to feeling inspired and deeply contented.

I also feel very selfish at times -- frustrated that I have to pump every 2-3 hours and I can't seem to really find a schedule that works well, what with twice-daily hospital visits including attempts at breastfeeding, which have to be timed with the pumping. I've also been a big wimp about pumping in the middle of the night. When I can realize that I'm being selfish, I then feel guilty for feeling this way and I tell myself I should focus on the positives of the situation -- at least I can produce enough milk for both of them to be nourished by... at least this is something I CAN DO to contribute to their care... and worst of all, hello? HOW HARD DID YOU TRY TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN? ALL THAT MONEY AND TIME ON FERTILITY TREATMENTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? AT LEAST YOU HAVE TWO BABIES!!!

My husband has been a great support through all of this. I'm learning to tell him how I'm feeling rather than keep it bottled up -- even if I tell him after the fact. Just telling him about my mood swings and talking about my feelings (as my voice shakes because I'm on the verge of tears --again) has helped a great deal. Last Friday night we went out on a date to a nice restaurant -- didn't get there until almost 9 p.m. because I had to pump when we got home from the hospital and then I fell asleep . . . But it was so wonderful to be with him alone for a few hours and simply talk. I don't think I have ever taken him for granted but I do think I've taken the endless time we've had to do whatever we wanted for granted. These babies are his first and my first, despite first marriages for both of us, so we've spent a LOT of adult years doing whatever we pleased, whenever we pleased. Those days are over, but now it seems that the time we have alone and together will be sweeter and richer.

Okay, I don't know if this post will make much sense to anyone reading it . . . But these are my feelings in recent days. I think the babies are coming home next week and I can't wait, if for no other reason than simplification of our schedule. More importantly, I can't wait to bring them HOME -- into the home where we have a wonderful nursery for them, into the house where they will grow up, into the neighborhood where they'll make friends, just down the street from where they'll go to elementary school.

Thank you all so much for your good wishes for us. I appreciate your support. And again, although I'm not doing much commenting, I'm trying to keep up with my favorite blogs, even if I read two weeks' worth of posts in one sitting. I'm thinking of you all and wishing you the best in your own journeys to parenthood.

Hugs!
Susie

Newsflash: I'm a preemie mom!

Despite all my effort to prevent preterm labor, I crossed the threshhold from pregnancy to motherhood last Friday night -- just shy of 33 weeks. My delivery date goal had been 36 weeks. Friday morning, my OB all but put me on bed rest because he said he could tell I wasn't resting enough. He commanded me to rest more and I obliged, spending all afternoon on the couch. When I went to the bahroom a little before 8 p.m., I discovered a sea of red in the toilet. Called the doctor's office and headed straight to the hospital with DH.

To make a long story short, my water had broken and I was in labor. At around 10 p.m. my OB said, "We're going to have these babies tonight." And I asked, "How soon?" He said in 30 minutes to an hour! He was right -- I got an epidural within about 30 minutes and I was in the OR for the c-section shortly after that.

Baby A, our little girl, arrived first, weighing 4 lbs. 11 oz. and was 17.5 inches long. And Baby B, our little boy, arrived two minutes later weighing 5 lbs. 1 oz. and was 18.5 inches long.

They are in the NICU and will be for several weeks. I'd love to have them home by Christmas, but I don't want them to come before they are ready. DH and I are learning a lot about the medical challenges they are facing, most of which have to do with breathing, their heart rates, and digestion -- all pretty major stuff. However, I think size is on their side. We expected them to be much smaller.

If I could keep my eyes open, I'd tell you more. But I am more sleep-deprived than ever. I got no sleep Friday night, maybe 2-3 hours Saturday night, etc. Getting home from the hospital last night helped -- you get no rest in the hospital! I'm learning to pump my breast milk -- and it's beginning to work! But I'm supposed to pump 8-9 times per day to get things established and be ready for the babies when they learn to breastfeed. Right now they each receive milk through a tiny tube inserted in the mouth -- they're getting a combination of my milk and donor milk, which we started them on because my milk had not yet come in.

I can't end this post without telling you how in love we are with these sweet babies. The boy is beautiful and the girl is feisty. I love it! (We can't really see Baby Girl's face or hair very well because of an apparatus that involves a hat and large tubes that help her breathe. Baby Boy had one, too, but he graduated a few days ago to a simpler setup that allows us to admire his sweet face.) It is hard to believe that they are just five days old.

Needless to say, I am grateful for this outcome. The NICU has its scary moments, and we certainly aren't out of the woods yet. It is overwhelming at times -- the fear that one of them won't make it. But I don't think that's what we are dealing with here.

So, I'm feeling BIG gratitude on Thanksgiving 2010. I think back to one year ago and Thanksgiving was just a week or so after our one-day workup in Denver. What a difference a year makes! I am grateful for my new babies and I'm thankful for all of you who've read my blog and supported me along this journey. What a wonderful community we share.

As I am grateful for the positive outcome I have found, I also carry much hope in my heart for equally positive outcomes for all of you who are still seeking to build your family. Do not give up hope!

Happy Thanksgiving.

30 weeks today

I can't believe that I am 30 weeks along. I learned this week that I may deliver in 4 weeks -- yikes! -- and that has brought all kinds of thoughts to mind. I think about the years it took to get to this point, feeling like pregnancy and parenthood might never, ever happen. Yet in some ways, those years seem so distant now. I still feel the burden of the unknowns of infertility when I think about the years of waiting, but in many ways I've put that pain behind me. I am fully in soon-to-be parent mode. And that freaks me out at moments! Surprising, isn't it? After all those years of wishing and waiting and persevering, I'm about to finally get what I wanted and I'm freaking out about it. I'm sure that all of this is completely normal but it is interesting to observe, nonetheless.

So my last two posts were big vents about my mom. Thanks to those of you who read and offered advice. She's gone now and my anxiety level is normal again. I actually just spent about an hour and a half composing an email to her to further set some boundaries about her time here and to tell her how stressed all of the holiday and post-baby arrangements are making me. I know she'll read it and say that she will do everything she can to help us, because deep-down, she's very level headed and reasonable and I love that about her. I haven't hit send yet because I want DH to read it first.

One thing I realized in the midst of all of the mom angst that makes me sad -- my dad used to be the one to help keep her obsessive and smothering behaviors in check. For example, when my brother went away to college, it nearly did her in. She was beside herself missing him. She wanted to go visit my brother too soon and my dad told her no. She listened. He balanced her out completely. I miss him so much!

S here's what's been happening with me and the babies:

-- My boy is moving like crazy, punching, stretching, and shifting into positions that frequently cramp his sister (and let's face it, me). Last ultrasound (on Tuesday of this week), he was measuring 3.6 lbs and everything looked fantastic. His position is either transverse or breech, depending on where he moves.

-- My girl is moving less, has less space to do so, and is low on amniotic fluid. Her approximate weight on Tuesday was 3.1 lbs. The doctor was pleased with her growth (indicating weight gain of about a pound over the past four weeks) and her movement during the u/s was also good. The amniotic fluid could become a big problem, so we're due back for another u/s on November 8. Doc said the only things that could impact the amniotic fluid are how much fluid I'm drinking and how much rest I'm getting. (Some days, I'm sure it's not enough of either, so I'm trying to do better.)

-- Baby Girl's placenta is on the front, so it could be making it harder for me to feel her movements. Doc said if I go a day without feeling her move, come in to see them immediately. With Baby Boy all over the place it is sometimes confusing whether it is him or her moving, but I'm really working at zeroing in on who's doing what so I can monitor her. I sometimes knock on her side of my abdomen and say, "Hello! Baby Girl?" Sometimes she responds with a knock back! I'm also trying to rub my belly more on her side. I realized that I do that a lot on Baby Boy's side because he tends to butt up to my lower rib and poke either his head or his behind out my side -- very uncomfortable! I try to gently push him back in so I am more comfortable. I realized that all of this touching him makes me feel more close to him and perhaps stimulates his movement. So I'm trying to touch her more, too, to stimulate her movement. This is my first realization (probably the first of many) that I may have been treating them differently in a way that is not good for one of them. Oh, I have so much to learn about that!

-- Doc said if Baby Girl's amniotic fluid doesn't improve, "extra monitoring" may be needed, which would mean additional office visits and possibly a non-stress test. It could ultimately mean they need to deliver the babies earlier than we'd like.

-- If amniotic fluid problem improves and all continues to go well, will I last until 36-37 weeks? Doc said maybe but he'd more likely predict 34 weeks. (Um, hello, that is the Saturday after Thanksgiving!)

-- Doc (this is the perinatologist I've been referring to) will consult with OB to determine best time for C section (most likely) and it likely will be scheduled a few weeks in advance.

-- I am scheduled to continue working 4 hours per day through November 15. That day cannot come soon enough!

-- At last OB appointment, my fundal height was 34 cm (and I was 29 weeks at the time).

-- My feet and ankles are swelling horrendously at times. I'm embarrassed to wear dresses and most of my previous maternity pants aren't comfortable now. I've got a few pairs of comfortable black knit pants that are somewhat like workout pants but somehow pass for something else, thank goodness, and one pair of black "dressy" pants I picked up on clearance at Target. Also picked up a few pairs of Old Navy leggings last weekend -- what a lifesaver those are.

-- Other than the swelling, I feel pretty good. No backaches unless I stay in bed too long. Oh, I'm having pain in my hands that feels like what must arthritis must feel like, but it's apparently more fluid retention. It comes overnight and goes in the morning when I start moving around again.

-- DH and I took three classes last week -- Baby Essentials for Multiples, Infant CPR, and Breastfeeding for Multiples. Instructors were excellent. The only class that overwhelmed me was the baby essentials one, which surprised me. I thought the breastfeeding class would do me in, but it seemed fairly do-able. We shall see!

-- Have had two showers now. One more to go - next Sunday afternoon. It should be a biggie. DH's mom is coming for it.

-- DH and I have been to the same pizza place every Friday night for at least 8 weeks now. It is my weekly indulgence in amazing pizza and a caffeinated beverage -- bliss!

I sure do admire all of you bloggers who post more frequent, brief posts. I wish I could discipline myself to do that because I know the long posts get old. Thank you to my friends out there who read them and comment. I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend!